I can't take it anymore........*cries*

MadCat

I know, I know....I need help and all that stuff, I need to change first but I just can't take it anymore.

I have been talking to a girl for the last week and my emotions are all over the place. I've done every single thing possible to PUSH HER away so nothing will become personal, but she won't go away. I've told her all about my emotions and how I feel and she still won't let me go. I tried so hard but now it's eating up every part of me beyond words. She pays attentiont to what I say and even though she admits she can't understand fully, she still wants to talk with me....

I've definately been going crazy these last few days. I have been sitting at my inbox refreshing it every second for the past 5 hours. I wrote her a big long email and that was supposed to my FINAL one, but she responded...

I have already hurt her over the last few days multiple times to make her go away. IT HURTS ME TOO, buT NO ONE must get close to me, they just can't and I won't let it. I've been crying constantly and physically been sick several times. I know you think this is crazy but as some of you know the only communication I have with people is text so I have to look at it carefully and try to understand the emotions coming through more precisely. Text is as strong as spoken word and visual stuff.

I really wish I could get close to her but I know what will happen. i'm not going to let that happen and suddenly find out that I make her go away, or even if she doesn't I know I will be hurting her. She's too NICE to me, she gives me more than I am worth and I know it.

Before I met her, I accepted what I am and I do not care anymore. I have lost nearly everything I have and I will be like this forever. This also brings up memories of Christine..this is how it was with her! *sniff*

I can't let go of Christine..I really can't!!!! I tried, I am trying but I never knew what happened to her and I cannot accept that. Now this new girl years later reminds me of her and it is so much for me to deal with. She talks about not being second best and I told her she'll find a guy soon. She doesn't even like me in that kind of way anyway, I think she just wants to be friends..but I've shared with her everything already because I expected her to leave. NOW I don't know what to do.

My heart is broken because she's still here and I have nothing else to say.

I can't help but create this fantasy that Lauren is Christine, but it's..arghhhh....I'm too upset I must go.

_________________
"Unreality can be as real as reality itself"

bundy

Jack7 · Posted: Sun Jul 17, 2005 8:22 pm Post subject:

If you like her tell her you like her. If she just wants to be friends with you then just be friends with her, if you don't like her like that. If you like her but she doesn't like you then it's more complicated. I know from unfortunate experience that rushing into trying to go out with a woman you like who doesn't feel the same way usually ends up turning out badly. Apparently normal people realise that these things take time, something I didn't realise myself.

First woman I ever got involved with has totally destroyed me. I can't do anything about it though, so I have to let it go.

MadCat · Posted: Sun Jul 17, 2005 9:05 pm Post subject:

I've told her that, but I really got hostile when I thought she was being too nice. From my past experience the best way I get rid of a woman is to push out every single emotion I can and overwhelm them to the point that they think I am some weird loser.

So basically this is a failed thing on my side and I never had a backup. I just never had to! I know I'm a monster and stuff but I gotta protect myself and other people from myself.

Would people prefer if I made a friendship and suddenly just terminated it after 5 years with no reason? That'd hurt more than what I do at the very early stages.

Anyway, totally stuck and messed up on this one. Looks like she's here to stay but at what cost I have no idea. It's true that I like her and everything and she says she likes me, but how can any kind of thing start when I had basically told her all the things I have done in the past to every women I have met..well, basically anyway.

Btw, she hasn't responded to anything I sent back. Perhaps she finally figured that it's safer to stay away from me, or maybe she's busy? I dunno..bit strange since I have exchanged tons of emails with her for like 7 days and finally she just shuts up 1 day. Hmmm, anyway maybe it's for the best.

_________________
"Unreality can be as real as reality itself"

Jack7 · Posted: Sun Jul 17, 2005 9:35 pm Post subject:

Why do you want to get rid of her?

MadCat · Posted: Sun Jul 17, 2005 9:40 pm Post subject:

Because I am not stable, not even stable enough to have friends. I don't know what a friend is and it is also one of my great fears.

The reason why is because I know that everything will result in a very bad ending. It always does and I really can't let that happen again..

This is a perfect example of the circle of trapping. It goes around and around and I keep myself trapped over and over.

_________________
"Unreality can be as real as reality itself"

Jack7 · Posted: Sun Jul 17, 2005 9:48 pm Post subject:

MadCat · Posted: Sun Jul 17, 2005 10:01 pm Post subject:

You're correct and I'm not even going to defend myself because there's nothing to defend over.

I come to the social phobia forum because there's some people here that really seem to help me understand.

But dude, trust me when I tell you I am WAY beyond social phobia. Not saying stuff isn't hard for people with SP because it is, but seeing how tough they find it really makes me feel like I must be doing at least a few things right.

I've been told many times that my thinking is doing this and that to me, and I understand completely. Now, imagine if your greatest fears was change.. Any change at all! Every problem and soluton that comes up has another problem and solution. It's a chain for me and it never ends.

It's not just my thinking, it's everything about me. It's what makes me, me. If you read my other post about depression, you'll find that the helpless bit applies here very much. The amount of work it would take for me to even become a non-zombified person would be estimated at around 5 years+ of treatment. I have to want to change first and I do not. That's the first stage right? Somethings are just not possible for a person to do themselves. If I can't make change someone else has to do it for me.

I hope you unerstand this and it isn't too difficult.

_________________
"Unreality can be as real as reality itself"

Jack7 · Posted: Sun Jul 17, 2005 10:10 pm Post subject:

You have to make the change though, because nobody else can change the way you think for you. I know it is massively daunting. I myself am a hypocrite for posting this, as I can't change either. I don't know what I need to do to kickstart a life for myself, and I certainly don't know how to deal with women. The one time I've ever got close to a woman and I blew it because firstly I was too possessive and secondly I "knew" that she was going to dump me for someone else who I thought was better than me. So I saved her the trouble, and I still can't get over it.

If the girl you're talking about is a nice person and is not just using you in some way (I dunno, the one I was involved with was apparently doing that to me), then please try and be friends with her. She obviously wants to talk to you, from what you've said. It would be a terrible thing if you gave up the chance to have her as your friend.

MadCat · Posted: Sun Jul 17, 2005 10:24 pm Post subject:

Okkkkk...

So basically friends are something that everyone should accept? I don't think so. I appreciate you trying to help and all but it's not working very well.

No one wants me like I am and until I manage to make a change, which PROBABLY will happen many long years down the road, I will not engage in any kind of relationship. Why? because it's simple taht my current state of mental health isn't OHH so nice.

I'm not going to be the person to throw my negative outlook and pessimism on anyone else. Supposedly someone told me that if I cared I would be friends way back when I met Christine and tried to make that work but it lasted mere minutes.

I have a totally different thing on this. I believe that because I care I MUST save them from myself and make them understand that friendship isn't an option.

Most people are so confused by this that they persist. Once again, my thinking/behavior/beliefs/etc are completely different from what people, and society are eqiupped for.

If I could I would like to try being friends but I cannot promise myself or anyone else that I will push her back at the moment she does something to endanger me. I'm too fragile to accept such things at the moment.

While I don't expect you to understand, I do expect you to accept what I've said. If you do or don't, you should be able to figure out the main reason why I push people away.

Once again, Jack, thanks for the input.

_________________
"Unreality can be as real as reality itself"