Posted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 4:46 pm Post subject: get hurt real easy?
im always super nice to everyone even if they are real nasty to me. il always give someone a million chances (though i have tried to stop doing that) and diong everything for everyone. i dont mind being nice but it would be nicer if i felt appreciated. any1 else feel this?
Joined: Jul 13, 2005 Posts: 59 Location: United Kingdom
Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 2:06 pm Post subject: Re: get hurt real easy?
Sue wrote:
im always super nice to everyone even if they are real nasty to me. il always give someone a million chances (though i have tried to stop doing that) and diong everything for everyone. i dont mind being nice but it would be nicer if i felt appreciated. any1 else feel this?
People are probably taking you for granted because you will do things for them and giving them chances. They will only respect you if you don't forgive them and help them out unfortunately. People maintain relationships by being pleasant to one another, but when a person is pleasant without reservation like you are describing then they will take advantage because 1) the people will feel they don't have to treat you well to maintain the relationship, and 2) they will believe you need them, not the other way around. The only thing I can say to you is either stop pandering to these people who probably don't deserve your attention anyway, or don't expect anything in return for your good treatment of them. Sometimes it doesn't matter if people don't respect you for acting well, all that matters is that you are decent enough to be a good person.
Joined: May 09, 2005 Posts: 1409 Location: United Kingdom
Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 2:18 pm Post subject:
You said u were 'doing everything for everyone' - its not really healthy to be so non-selective about who you hand out your favours to, unless you were exagerating of course!
Its cool to say 'no' sometimes as well, also like Jack7 says, don't expect anything in return.
Personally if someone did a favour for me I'd bloody well make sure they knew how much I appreciated it! Just so happens I never need any favours/am too scared to ask
If people suck, then move on and forget about them. If you keep giving them chances I guess they will just take advantage of your generosity. I dunno, this advice is quite vague! But I hope you see what I'm getting at.
Joined: Jul 13, 2005 Posts: 59 Location: United Kingdom
Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 2:20 pm Post subject:
Sue wrote:
bummer i feel so stupid. all my life iv let people walk all over me. its all i know. so sick of it.
Being nice is a good thing, if people take advantage of your niceness then they're being stupid, not you.
The thing is, a lot of people are out for themselves and don't really care about everyone they meet. They have a hierarchy of people they feel are "worth" their time. I don't like the way a lot of people work, so I try to be pleasant to everyone I meet and treat them like they're "worth" my time. I can never understand whether I should be doing this or not, given how many people do the opposite I've worked out recently that some with some people, you're never going to get along well with them, and giving them the benefit of the doubt all the time and being nice to them is not always the best course of action, even though it is a good thing that we want to be nice to everyone.
I dunno if that makes any sense. It doesn't make much sense to me, because a lot of the time I feel a great amount of jealous hatred for other people too, lol
You might think that you're going to get a reputation for being a quiet arsehole if you start changing your behaviour, but that won't be the case, believe me, even if some people try to make out it is (they usually will).
Joined: May 03, 2005 Posts: 158 Location: United Kingdom
Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 3:49 pm Post subject:
Theres been times where i've let people walk all over me and after its happened i feel like 'what a fool i am' but i never have the guts to say no or be direct because i feel like i'm letting others down or don't feel i have a good enough reason not to
So sometimes i make excuses but i shouldnt really, i just can't help it
I think saying the word 'No' to someone we might feel we are affending the other person or coming across aggressive so we are actually anticipating others thoughts before we speak
Joined: Mar 15, 2005 Posts: 104 Location: United States of America
Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 4:29 pm Post subject:
thugaveli wrote:
I think saying the word 'No' to someone we might feel we are affending the other person or coming across aggressive so we are actually anticipating others thoughts before we speak
That's an AWESOME observation!!! Wow. Makes me realize how I 'read people's thoughts' ALL the time in an attempt to avoid conflict-- but all that does is make me act on assumptions and assume the worst in others.
Joined: Jul 13, 2005 Posts: 59 Location: United Kingdom
Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 6:20 pm Post subject:
J wrote:
thugaveli wrote:
I think saying the word 'No' to someone we might feel we are affending the other person or coming across aggressive so we are actually anticipating others thoughts before we speak
That's an AWESOME observation!!! Wow. Makes me realize how I 'read people's thoughts' ALL the time in an attempt to avoid conflict-- but all that does is make me act on assumptions and assume the worst in others.
Often we lock ourselves down because of assumptions we make, when we have no idea how something is going to turn out or how people are going to react. Ignoring that impulse to not say something or do something can lead to realising that what we think might happen is not going to happen.
Joined: May 09, 2005 Posts: 1409 Location: United Kingdom
Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2005 6:23 pm Post subject:
thugaveli wrote:
I think saying the word 'No' to someone we might feel we are affending the other person or coming across aggressive so we are actually anticipating others thoughts before we spea
I'm not sure what you mean exactly, but you need to say 'no' discriminately i.e. only when you want to, not all the time to everyone.
If people don't like it that is their problem. If you don't have the time, energy or desire to do them a favour then you are fully justified in saying no. Thats what I think anyway, some people think I'm rude.
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I've worked out recently that some with some people, you're never going to get along well with them, and giving them the benefit of the doubt all the time and being nice to them is not always the best course of action, even though it is a good thing that we want to be nice to everyone.
