Joined: Jun 01, 2005 Posts: 719 Location: Portugal
Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 12:42 pm Post subject: Perfeccionism
I think perfeccionism is one of the things that make social phobics have so low self-confidence and self-esteem. Nothing we do seems to be right even if we do it the same way other people do, right? We always get that feeling that we messed up and others are laughing at us for it.
I'm a perfeccionist when it comes to my music and/or poetry, although it doesn't happen that often with my verses because I know they're pretty good. It pisses me off when I'm trying to work on some music, though. It always seems to be missing something, making me leave it half-done and never touching it again. Sucks
It happens with relationships too. Almost everytime I was hanging out with my ex-girlfriend I had the thought that I had let her down in some way, no matter what I did. I kept thinking "now she thinks I'm a loser because I didn't do this or that". It's really stressing because I always came home pissed at myself, because although I know my low self-confidence didn't allow me to say or do certain things (like saying "I love you" looking in her eyes) I'm now sure I was a great boyfriend, always respectful, with lots of love to give and always offering her things. Really commited. I ended up suffering for 6 whole months with depression, more common panic/anxiety attacks and self-harming. Not a very good half-year
Anyway, how can we convince ourselves that what we do is just as normal as what other people do, and that EVERYONE messes up and not just us? How can we change our thinking pattern and forget about perfection?
Joined: Feb 10, 2005 Posts: 1831 Location: United States of America
Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 1:36 pm Post subject:
i know the feeling. i always am constantly looking at others as closely as we all think that they are watching us. when i see someone get embarrassed or make a mistake or feel inadequate, i try and convince myself at THAT time that i'm normal in feeling the way i do.
before i have to do a presentation or something i look at everyone else doing theirs, and i can see the anxiety in some. the last presentation i had to do, i had two other guys with me and they turned out in worse shape than i was. and because of that i wasn't nervous at all. when we sat down, one guy was like "i was so nervous, i was stuttering and everything!"
you can only be but so good, hindsight 20/20 too...
Joined: Sep 30, 2004 Posts: 758 Location: United Kingdom
Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 7:31 pm Post subject:
I used to be very much the perfectionist. Mostly because it would be criticism proof. I'm not so bad anymore, not sure why. I think after years of isolation I have had no one elses opinion to worry about and so do whatever pleases me. Unfortunately this has meant a drastic reduction in any kind of productivity as what pleases me most is sleeping and beer lol. Oh well..... what is Art anyway eh? lol
Joined: Jan 14, 2005 Posts: 218 Location: United Kingdom
Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 8:30 pm Post subject:
Chilling__Echo wrote:
before i have to do a presentation or something i look at everyone else doing theirs, and i can see the anxiety in some. the last presentation i had to do, i had two other guys with me and they turned out in worse shape than i was. and because of that i wasn't nervous at all. when we sat down, one guy was like "i was so nervous, i was stuttering and everything!"
I know that feeling too. I always seem to feel much more confident about myself when I see someone else having a bad time at something I would expect myself to have a bad time at, and so am able to perform better than I otherwise would.
I think it's the fear of being the only one who is anxious and likely to balls everything up, whilst everyone else performs perfectly, that makes me so anxious in the first place. But once someone else makes at a hash of it, that pressure seems to go and that sometimes makes me feel quite self-confident.
I just need to find someone I can drag with me to make big blunders all the time, so that i can then step in and look all in control.
Perhaps another approach is just to makes a public balls up of things on such a regular basis that you lose the fear of screwing up. There must come a point where you become so accustomed to people pointing and laughing at you that you just stop caring, the anxiety evaporates, and you find yourself free to get on with life without perpetual fear of embarassing yourself. Who wants to give it a try and see if it works?
And don't bother thinking to yourself that you thought I was already trying it through the nature of my posts on this forum.
I am plagued by the unattainable attainment of perfectionism as well. I remember becoming aware just how much so during an art lesson at school. We were asked to paint an expressionist style image of a face and as all my class mates were going wild with their paint brushes, i just stood there staring at my canvas unable to allow myself to 'let go' and just paint. After i realised what i was doing i forced myself to do it - but i did not like the result. When i was younger i would spend so much time drawing and indulging my artistic side, but now it has become a source of anxiety for me as there is so much potential to make mistakes - so i no longer draw or paint which is a shame - i mean i'm no michaelangelo - but i'm not half bad and i used to love it.
Joined: May 12, 2005 Posts: 373 Location: New York
Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 2:19 pm Post subject:
I know what you mean about this perfectionism. Actually, before I fully understood what SA was, I thought I had OCD Well, that's what all the personality disorder tests said
I feel like whether it's a poem, artwork, atheletics, friendships, or even specific talents that most people don't have (ie being very flexible) I feel like I should have those talents and I'm not worthy of the other people.
"I always seem to feel much more confident about myself when I see someone else having a bad time at something I would expect myself to have a bad time at, and so am able to perform better than I otherwise would."
I was actually going to say something very similar to that... I get that feeling too - but unfortunately, in my school it seems like everybody is talented at everything and nobody is ever worse than me
redlady - When you draw in private, do you still feel anxious? I know that it is very hard for me to start drawing/practicing something in private, but once I start, it's pretty easy for me to keep going. That is, until somebody else comes. That sucks about how you feel art as a source of anxiety... damn sa
Joined: May 09, 2005 Posts: 1409 Location: United Kingdom
Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 4:34 pm Post subject:
redlady wrote:
I am plagued by the unattainable attainment of perfectionism as well. I remember becoming aware just how much so during an art lesson at school. We were asked to paint an expressionist style image of a face and as all my class mates were going wild with their paint brushes, i just stood there staring at my canvas unable to allow myself to 'let go' and just paint. After i realised what i was doing i forced myself to do it - but i did not like the result. When i was younger i would spend so much time drawing and indulging my artistic side, but now it has become a source of anxiety for me as there is so much potential to make mistakes - so i no longer draw or paint which is a shame - i mean i'm no michaelangelo - but i'm not half bad and i used to love it.
Wow I get this too. I mean I'm definitely no perfectionist by any means, but if you were to see me draw you'd find that hard to believe. Every line that goes awry sends me into a panic state! It took me a long time to get into the expressionism state of mind as well, my art tutor always commented on my work by saying that I should loosen up.
Art used to be such a wonderfully theraputic hobby for me, now its about trying to beat the competition and create something better than the next person. That sucks, I mean I'm sure it forces me to create better art but it does nothing great for my blood pressure!
Quote:
i'd like to see who'd want to be president... assuming it was a democracy... hm
Paul wrote:
redlady - When you draw in private, do you still feel anxious? I know that it is very hard for me to start drawing/practicing something in private, but once I start, it's pretty easy for me to keep going. That is, until somebody else comes. That sucks about how you feel art as a source of anxiety... damn sa
I don't draw at all anymore - i've just lost all feeling for it. The last peice of art i did was the major artwork i had to do for my yr 12 art class. I did a large painting and every time i had to put paint brush to canvas i got that familiar sick feeling in my stomach from anxiety. It's very hard to cover up a mistake done in oil based paint. It offered me no joy whatsoever - it was just one big exercise in anxiety.
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The last peice of art i did was the major artwork i had to do for my yr 12 art class. I did a large painting and every time i had to put paint brush to canvas i got that familiar sick feeling in my stomach from anxiety. It's very hard to cover up a mistake done in oil based paint. It offered me no joy whatsoever - it was just one big exercise in anxiety.