Suicidal, lonely and living in a foreign country

MentallyUnstable

hi all,

this is my first post here and ive joined out of desperation and the hope i might get some help/support.

im a single, english, 35 year old male. i started suffering with agoraphobia, severe panic attacks which could last days, anxiety and depression 7 years ago whilst i still lived in england, which resulted from abusing cocaine, ecstacy and speed - i was a serious raver and clubbing was my life for several years.

i was self emplyed as an IT consultant and was doing very well for myself until the illness became so severe 6 years ago that i became agoraphobic for a whole year. during that year i went severely into debt, having big monthly outgoings and no income.

i got a lucky break 3.5 years ago and was offered a job in switzerland whilst i was just about coping.

after 6 months in switzerland, i crashed badly, again, and was off work for a whole year. i went back for another 12 months, but crashed again 6 months ago, and was sectioned for a few weeks earlier this year for a few weeks.

i have now been off work 6 months, all in all, in the last 6 years ive been unable to work for 3.5 years. every time i try and go back to work, the added stress always makes me crash again. its only in the last 6 months that the anxiety and panic attacks have subsided but the depression has got much worse... i cant win.

the thing is, my condition was panic attacks and acute anxiety for most of the last 7 years and throughout my whole time living here in switzerland i have been too ill to learn the language (german) and too anxious and depressed to socialise and make friends.

i am completely alone here in zurich, and in a constant state of suicidal depression although the anxiety and panic attacks are pretty much under control now, the depression has become the primary issue.

ive tried every medication going but it has been pretty much proven that SSRI's (all of them) make my suicidal ideaology much worse. i was then put on effexor for about a year which did help, but my suicidal video (i constantly imagine hanging myself from my balcony) has got much worse on effexor too, so ive had to quit that.

now i am taking 150mg of trazodone and 30mg of mianserin, which do help.

i just dont know what to do anymore, i feel trapped and extremely lonely.

here in switzerland, i am lucky to receive really good health care - i see my shrink once a week, he's always available to me, and when ive needed to go into hospital, the facilities and level of care have been extremely good - the total opposite of the shitty NHS care i received in england.

also, even though i have been unable to work for 2.5 years out of the last 3.5 years being here, my company has always allowed me to go back to work, when ive felt able to and when ive been sick i receive 80% of my salary, so im ok for money.

the thing is, the swiss are very cold and aloof, making friends in this country is extremely difficult.

to make matters worse, i am very intolerant of people generally and am extremely selctive about who i want to make friends with. being unable to go out and mix with people means i havent been able to make any friends and i dont see that situation changing.

if i come back to england, where i can make friends more easily because of the british culture and being able to speak thelanguage, i will be extremely poor and the bailiffs and debt collectors will be bashing down my door in no time (i am in debt to over 100K UK Pounds ) so coming back to england would bring about so many problems for me, not to mention the completely shit health system.

ive been permanently suicidal for nigh on 6 years now. i have absolutely no friends in this country and have lost contact with most of the friends i had in england.

i just dont know what to do anymore.

if i come back to england, i can get in contact with all my old friends, but i will be on the dole because i doubt i would be elligable for incapacity allowance, i would immediately be in poverty, but at least able to communicate with people and alleviate the extreme isolation and loneliness i suffer in this country.

if i stay here in zurich, the debt collectors havent found me yet, and i am able to feed myself and buy dvds or other luxuries to help pass the time, but i cant make any friends here.

i just dont know what to do anymore, i feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place.

i dont expect anyone here can give me any answers, ive been seeing shrinks constantly for 6 years, been in hospital 3 times in england and sectioned once here in switzerland.

i really want to end it, but havent found the courage to do so.

i often think about just running for the balcony, tying the rope round my neck and jumping without thinking abot what im doing and talking myself out of it.

i was writing suicide notes last night, and it was so pathetic. whats the point of a suicide note when nthe only "friend" i have in the world is my shrink!?!?!?

i have NO family at all, my best friends in england wwere my family, i am so sick of being alone i just want to die.

i really REALLY wish i had a gun - i would blow my brains out this instant if i could.

im too scared of the pain from taking my life any other way, i wish i could think of a sure pain-äfree way of ending it all, but i ve lost count of how many suicide attempts ive made by ODing and still lived.

my last OD attempt was 3 years ago - i took 60 valilums and 30 zopiclone sleeping tablets plus a bottle of vodka,. and i was still f***cking consciious when the ambulance took me to emergency-.

im just so frigging sick of all this shit, i want out.

it feels like i have a choice, stay here in switzerland, totally alone, but with good health care and money to live on, or come back to england, live in poverty with crap health care, but have friends around me. what would you do? the only friend im still in contact with in england says i should come home to england where i can be around people who care, even though i will be in huge financial difficulty and getting less-than-perfect health care... im not sure he's right, but im so frigging lonely here...

sorry for going on, dont know what to do, who to speak to, no-one seems to be able to help me.

mu

GettingThere · Posted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 10:55 am Post subject:

I would recommend going back to England.

If you have to declare yourself bankrupt then so be it. Thats not the end of the world. Too bad, you will get over it and start again. Walt Disney was a banrupt three times before things finally worked out for him. The rest is history.

Go home. There will be shit for you no matter what you choose to do but I think that you would have a much better chance at sorting things out back home. Try to think positively because that really makes a big difference.

All the best my friend and welcome to the forum. I hope that you realise that you are among friends here.

_________________
Two men look through the same bars, one sees mud the other sees stars.

arlequin · Newbie User Joined: Jun 05, 2004 Posts: 79 Location: Spain

If I were you I think I'd come back to England. If you stay in Zurich the situation is not much better. In England at least will be easier to meet people, don't you think?

MentallyUnstable · Posted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 11:53 am Post subject:

hi

thanks for the replies

my gut feeling is telling me i should come back to the uk and try to fix my problems there, even if it means bankruptcy (which im sure it will), but im scared shitless of living in poverty and not being able to work it would mean just that.

do i change a completely solitary life of desperate loneliness and depression but with money to live reasonably comfortably, for a life of poverty but having people around me with whom im close?

thats where my dilemma lies...

i was brought up in poverty on a council estate and managed to escape the poverty trap and get a degree in IT and well paid jobs, the thought of going back to a council estate and living on measly state benefits scares me to death and im worried it would be the final nail in my suicidal coffin.

i just cant see any hope.

mu

GettingThere · Posted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 12:03 pm Post subject:

As I said before with the Walt Disney thing, bankrupsy is not the end of the world. Life is not about the matterialism thing.

If you have a roof ovver your head, clothes on your back and food in you tumy then you are rich. Full stop.

_________________
Two men look through the same bars, one sees mud the other sees stars.

MentallyUnstable · Posted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 12:39 pm Post subject:

Barry25 · Posted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 12:49 pm Post subject:

I think you should actually stay in Switzerland.

I always feel freer when living and working in other European countries, the people are classier, there is less crime, a higher standard of living, and there will always be expats around to meet up with.

Running - in either direction - will not achieve anything in itself. I can tell you this from my own experiences. Being a ridiculous perfectionist I have always cared too much what other people think of me. You take that kind of thought process with you, wherever you go. You can't get somebody else to rid you of it. You have to choose to stop being so hard on yourself and get rid of that self-importance.

Even if you hold out for another 6 months or 12 months before finally returning to the UK, you could benefit in the long-term.

This is sadly a lesson in why illegal drug use is never a good idea.

MentallyUnstable · Posted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 12:55 pm Post subject:

ang · Posted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 4:51 pm Post subject:

You should try seredyn, its a nat anxiety remedy and it works great! You will never overcome your problems until you face them. Go back to the UK and live in poverty because you are paying off your debt. Until you undo all you have done to yourself you will never feel relief. The only person that can fix you is you. Where you live has nothing to do with your problem. Its just the same problems different place. Every time you move to a different country you think you are leaving your problems behind, when in reality your problems have created a suitcase of thier own in your head. I did the med thing to and after so long you realize its only a temp solution. If you dont change the way you feel about yourself and I mean really change the way you feel deep down in your soul, How do you expect to ever feel right? Anyway I tried seredyn and it works awsome, give it a try hopefully it helps you as much as its helped me. Also a cd called thinkrightnow is amazing. If you want to live a fullfilled life you have to do more to cover up your problems.

IceLad · Posted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 6:16 pm Post subject: Excessive Avoidance Behaviour

This week at work, I changed the dates I go on annual leave so I could have a plausible excuse to miss someone's leaving party, as I just couldn't face justifying why I did not want to go.

What lengths does everyone go to just to get out or something?