Suicidal, lonely and living in a foreign country

blubs · Posted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 6:38 pm Post subject:

Hi mu
This probably sounds a bit odd......but when I read your initial post, I really thought I knew who you were.
Then I read a bit more and realised you weren't who I thought you were.
But I do know someone who went to Switzerland with a really similar background...who works in I.T. I wish I was still in touch so I could get you in touch with each other...but thats social phobia for you...I've lost touch with any one I've ever known.
I lived in Zurich for a very short time. Its a lovely city...but I know exactly what you mean about the people...its hard to get to know anyone.
I don't really have any advice for you Confused

only...take your time over any decisions if you can.
And try and spend sometime every day not worrying over the decision you have to make, so that you can look at it objectively.
All the best
blubs

constantpanic · Posted: Tue Aug 09, 2005 3:09 pm Post subject: I feel the same

For some reason, I was drawn to your post. This is my first time on this site, and although I am not going through exactly what you are going through, I feel I can relate and sympathize. Maybe just hearing that someone agrees with you, or understands what you are feeling, will be somewhat of a comfort to you. I am a 30-year old female living in the United States. While I'm not under the same stresses as you--deciding whether to stay in an unfamiliar country with no friends or go home to debt collectors, I know what it feels like to be constantly struggling with some major decision. I felt your pain when you say you think of jumping off the balcony--I have been battling suicidal thoughts on and off for 5-months now and I think that is the scariest thing. Every morning, I think of ways to *****. I don't think I would ever have the courage to do it, but I am constantly thinking about it. I have had some form of anxiety most of my life--although it subsided for about 10 years and I was symptom free. My doctor thinks I always had anxiety, and that I just drank too much in my 20s and that's why I didn't experience anxiety and panic attacks like I do now. I was drinking plenty of vodka pretty much every night--I come from a family, both sides, of alcoholics. I pretty much quit drinking two years ago out of fear of becoming an alcoholic. But ever since I stopped drinking, I have slowly been slipping into depression or something. To be honest, I don't know what I have. I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety and panic attacks. I am on 1mg of Xanax XR and that's it. My doctors tell me they don't see the depression, so they have not yet put me on any SSRI's and to be honest, I have been glad they haven't, due to reading about a lot of people having more suicidal thoughts because of them. I am becoming a social phobic as well. I have friends, but they are getting sick of my complaining, and I am sick of them not being as supportive as I'd like. I feel like I can't relate to anyone anymore. My mom and family (i am an only child) come from this "tough love" mentality, and keep telling me to tough it out and just relax all the time and it makes me insane. I live with my boyfriend, who I know loves me, yet doesn't understand what I am going through at all. I tell him I'm suicidal and he just gets mad at me. Understandable, but I don't think anyone grasps the severity of my illness. My therapist doesn't think I am as bad as I think I am. Oh, I forgot to mention I was just fired from my job last week, after I had a medical excuse from my general doctor for dizzy spells and headaches I was having. I have lost 15 pounds in five months and never feel like eating. I have all sorts of stomach problems because when I do eat something, it makes me feel worse. I have to force feed myself. And if I don't have a stomach ache, I have a headache, or dizzy spells, or some sort of pain is going on. I constantly have symptoms of anxiety--sweaty palms, rapid heartbeat, shakiness, nausea, etc. I can't remember the last time I felt "normal." I used to be really outgoing and fun. I was the "court jester" as my friends would call me. Now, I feel like I can't leave my apartment. I am even too unmotivated to shower most of the time. I stare dazed at the tv all day long and when the xanax hits me around noon, i fall asleep. i used to fall asleep at work when i first started it. The doctors tried to up the dose of the xanax, but I was pretty much unable to function at all on 2mg.

I am constantly crying. I can't pull myself out of this depression. My therapist thinks I will get better now that I was fired, (i worked with a real b*tch that made my life miserable) and she attributes 90% of my anxiety to her. But I haven't been there at work in three weeks (i had two weeks of medical leave, then they fired me) and I feel worse. Now I have to think of finding another stupid office job, which is pretty much all I am qualified to do. I have only 11 credits to finish for an English/Journalism degree, yet I don't want to do anything in that field, so that is a dead end for me. I had to sell my car after having major panic attacks while driving and now have this fear of driving, and the public transportation in my city is crap, so I have to find a job within walking distance. The fear of starting something new is maddening. I tried to get my therapist to hospitalize me, but she thinks I'll be just fine--to take it easy for a month and not do anything. not worry, not think about finding a job. she wants me to decompress and just relax. How can someone with panic and anxiety just relax? I feel like sh*t every single day. I feel like I can't take it anymore. I visualize my suicide by tying a garbage bag around my head and suffocating myself. Or walking into the lake and not knowing how to swim, drowning. I know I couldn't OD or shoot myself, but I have visions of paying someone else to shoot me. I feel so morbid talking this way, but I feel just as you do. Know that you are not the only one who feels this hopeless. Everyone seems to be giving you their input on what to do, but I just want you to know that my thoughts are very similar to yours. I'm guessing, neither one of us are on the right medication, or we wouldn't be thinking this way. I wish I could just say something positive or say something that would comfort you in any way. I don't want to tell you what I think you should do, since I am a basket case, and not qualified to tell you anything. What does your doctor think you should do? Stay there or go home? If you want to email outside of this forum, let me know. I would feel comfortable doing that, if you would. I have a handful of good friends here, yet I have never felt more alone in my life. Maybe having a friend, even if it is online, will help us both in some way. I hope to hear from you soon. And I hope you are feeling better. DMO