where do i go from here? How?

ghandi · Posted: Fri Dec 19, 2003 12:46 pm Post subject: where do i go from here? How?

I'm 16 years old and live in a secluded town about four hours north of LA, away from all my friends. for a while I was able to bring them up or me go down for a few days but that died out after a few years. I feel so alone.
I havent seen a friendly face for over four months and I know im missing out on so much, so much needed contact with people. Living by the beach is a privilage that i never realized living there. The people are so friendly one never has to question themselves into a grave. By this I mean having to "perform" as I call it to make friends. Everyone up here(it seems) is so superficial and fake it makes me sick. I cant hang out with these people. Wealth and looks are priority number one. I cant live that way. I tried. For a few months I had been on 3 meds, Buspar, Zoloft and Depikote. All doses had been raised from month to month and although my mind was altered, my opinions of society havent changed. I cant describe the anguish with type. I cant get a grip on my thoughts. They run wild and I think the worst thoughts immagnable. I love life, or what it has to offer us all but living like this, with a bipolar mom, a senile grandma, NO man whatsoever living here, well my dog(and hes just about the only one i can talk to about this shit) wears and tears on the mind like a fine sandpaper. I also feel talking publicly about suicide sounds so rediculously pitiful it to makes me sick. Yet I dont know what else to do, that voice saying it could all be over so easyly is getting louder by the week, louder everytime my mom flips on me and calls me the sickest names in satans thesaurus. Im afraid for my mind, its getting to where I dont even know myself. Its such an uphill battle it isnt even funny. Im not trying to sound like some despondent teen saying he/she is gonna kick the bucket just to get a little pity. It's just getting a little scary now thats all. If anyone has been there and can give some advice I would be greathful.

-Chad Question

scardecat · Guest

Ya know kido, you sound just fine.(not those nasty thoughts you have though!! dump them!) ...You've got real Bad circumstances right now, but you yourself are incredible. I have for years (at a high school)worked with precious ones in similar circumstances as yours and it tugs at my heart. What do you do?? Be as strong in yourself as you can. amd hang on to your good memories, because though your learning all these extremely hard lessons at way to young an age, it's gonna make you an incredably understanding adult. It's such a shame that you have to lose some of your youth due to the situation of living you've been put into, but see what yu can do to make the best of it. Find computer friends (I like them better myself) Im social phobic to the max Laughing

so computer is great for me. Having friends on here will help get you through these times until you can get out..(only couple more years) on your own and explore what you've been missing...Touchable friends!! Wink

..Anyway, right now, i have a son that wants this computer so i gotta get......Take care, hang in there,,,,it's not you that has a problem,,,well, not withen yourself anyway that is,,,,,and yucky drugs,,,,,I'd like to chat more about them..next time..

scardecat · Guest

ps.....i hope i didnt give the impression that i take your pain lightly!! It's just that I have a nature of seeing through the pain to a wonderfuly neat person...Some of those thoughts of yours are gonna have to be tossed!!! Love up that pup of yours, and keep writen here!! At least until you find another place that may interest you Smile