i think i'm crazy

cassie · Guest

hi, i think i am crazy. i'm 16. it's summer. i have a math final that i missed to take but i've been putting it off for a month. my parents keep nagging me to get my permit. i'm terrified just to take the written test. i went to fill out a job application at a store and felt sick after. i knoe they'd never hire me. if they did i'd die.

i stay locked up in my room. but this is what i do. i feel weird telling people this, i've never told anyone...i actually force myself to stay awake all night...i do this because the next day i feel less trapped. less shy. i'm too out of it. and i also stop eating for days. when your so weak you can't think about how pathetic you are.

i only have 1 friend and she's just a jerk who could care less about me. i feel like i'm going insane. i mean i don't even know if i'm socially phobic or not but i know there's somthing wrong with me.

i want help. i want it so much. i mean the truth is, i want to die. always and every moment. i pray, when crossing a street that a car will hit me and this will be over with. i'm such a loser. i hate myself. if i got help maybe just maybe i could change my life. i doubt this very much. i keep thinking about telling my mom and asking for help but what can she do? she won't believe me or she'll keep a hawks eye on me.

omg if just one person read any of this, thank you. thank you so much. i'm writing this and crying and it's past 6 in the morning and i'm not gonna sleep. it's been bottled in me all summer. thank you so much.

Orlando · Posted: Tue Jul 27, 2004 2:06 pm Post subject:

Cassie,

I understand what you are feeling. My high school experience was terrible. I also tried those same strategies: staying up all night and eating less. I also thought that if I was tired I wouldn't be so anxious in school.
Classes were a blur. I really could not concentrate: I was so worried that other people hated me so much.
I sweat profusely and trembled. When I was called upon, I would whisper my answers. Each day, I thought, "why go on?" I had no reason: only that I wanted to live independently. I wanted my own house and my own family. I wanted a future for myself. So I continued to study and suffer the piercing anxiety thoughout my education.
Cassie, are you in a public school in America? If this is the case, then I would approach your school psychologist and discuss the pain that you are having. If their is not school psychologist, I would suggest that you speak with a teach that you can trust. For me, my mistake was that I held in all my pain and did not speak to anyone about it, even to my family. I thought that no one could understand me and worse, no one would really care. It is very painful to suffer alone.
I was thinking that if you can enlist the help of some professionals (teacher, principal or school psychologist at school). These professionals can speak to your parents. They might be the ones to convice your parents to get you some real help (maybe a therapist who you can speak to). The thing is that I doesn't sound like what you have been doing is working. So I think that you should change strategies and do something different.
One thing that is most important is not to suffer alone. It is best to talk about your feelings to others (especially when you are in pain). And that you are not alone. You have this website, which is a start. If you read a lot of the post, you'll see that each one of us share the same kind of fears. We all might not live the same lives but we can know how other people feel.
Take care of yourself! Wink

_________________
-Orl

richkid · Posted: Tue Jul 27, 2004 5:39 pm Post subject:

I wanted to ***** about 3 yrs ago when I just had enough of feeling depressed about myself. Just thought no point in trying nothing i'll every do will mean anything, whats the point i'm better off dead. In a way that was a turning point, i still find it difficult, don't really think it will get much easy. Having said that I know that those people that made me feel like that are not there any more and why should i live my life to brown nose people that don't care. It will get easy think it as a challenge rather than a problem. As the saying goes Don't worry be happy. We are your friends now a what a ocvely bunch we are to we are just to modest t say it Razz