Posted: Wed Aug 04, 2004 8:26 pm Post subject: D'oh! A missed opportunity.
Howdy, I'm 31, in the northeastern US, a guest lurker here and thereabouts... you'll know my posts because they're long-winded
Usually when people take smoke breaks at work, they hang out in little knots of acquaintances and talk incessantly. Now, it's hard to meet new people (even with my "milder" SP) but even harder when they're in little groups like that, and I'm the unknown guy wandering about the area. I've met a few colleagues on such breaks, but only when they've been alone (or addressed me first).
On a seemingly (but not) unrelated subject, I've read a lot on these forums and other places about overcoming SP, and have even successfully used a few of the mentioned techniques (like "exposures"-- I had one WILD success at that recently...!). They're necessary, especially when it comes to meeting women. But I usually need some combination of positive factors (mostly intangible things in my mind) in placce ("have my ducks in a row", if you will) to do so... like, is the girl alone (or likely to be)? is she a smoker? is she attractive?...
I thought I knew, at least by sight, all the smokers here at work... I was wrong... I went out and there was a very cute ladygirl in her mid-20s outside smokin' a butt without any acquaintances around...
....and I couldn't even manage a "how are you doing? beautiful day..."
...and yet recently I've suddenly begun to start commencing to get the ability to talk to and even "pick up" girls in drinking establishments... so why couldn't I even say hello???
SP is inconsistent. Or maybe it's because I hadn't been drinking? (The boss would frown upon that, shucks!) Mind you, I've had girlfriends, dates, friends with benefits, have lived with gf's... so this isn't the same problem that some others here have (less or no experience/don't know where to start, etc.). So what's my problem? That I wasn't expecting it, so that's why I just sort of wandered away and said nothing like an idiot? It's like, what did I have to lose? I've been rejected before and dealt with it...
I guess I'll just have to be sure to talk to her if I ever get the chance to again.... He who hesitates is lonely
Joined: Mar 03, 2004 Posts: 267 Location: United States of America
Posted: Wed Aug 04, 2004 9:26 pm Post subject:
J,
Go for it! Maybe I will follow your example, when I can detach my cold feet from the ground.
I love hearing other people's adventures. I kinda live through them (like watching a tv sitcom.) Any stories that you can give would be great. It might give me the courage too to take chances!
I did see her again. This time I managed to say "hi" (and get a response)before one of her friends came out and started talking to her. Now that I know what time of day she steps out for a break, I'll have to be sure to actually get more than one word in next time
On a slightly related note: Good things do happen when one goes out despite the anxiety (provided one can manage to hide it)... I dragged myself out to a bar on Saturday (alone, as my few friends never seem to go out anymore ) and managed to deal with the discomfort long enough for a 45-year-old somewhat-wealthy lady to start talking to AND hitting on me ...we had a great conversation; I just found myself wishing she were ten years younger (I'm 31) ! "Call me Mrs. Robinson," she said (!)
Of course, between the age mismatch and my not living alone, nothing happened (besides more beer, that is)... but it's still a major victory in the day's skirmish with SA, and some validation that I can be attractive and have a good personality (and seem almost.... normal?!?) when I try real hard....
I almost never got in the door, but I recalled something I read on one of these SA forums: "Find conviction when you most seek avoidance." I kept saying that to myself whenever I "couldn't" do something-- sitting down at a not-totally-unoccupied table, introducing myself to someone I've never met, talking to people... do, not think.... take the taking of action as a victory in itself; take positive reactions as extra helpings of gravy and take any negative reactions as either 1) opportunities to improve or 2) something superfluous and inaccurate that worthy of being ignored
Since I've begun a fairy regular "program" of this exposure-based "self-CBT-lite," I've not only NOT had any of the sorts of negative reactions I was afraid of, but next to nothing resembling negative reactions... and the positive things have been, well.... positive. In the end, it improves the old mood... I should be kicking myself for not speaking more with the girl from the first paragraph, but hey, there'll be another chance, and at least I got farther this time than I did at the start of this post
Though I still wish I had learned/realized all this stuff back in high school or college-- I would have had much more fun.... LOL
Joined: Mar 03, 2004 Posts: 267 Location: United States of America
Posted: Tue Aug 31, 2004 3:03 am Post subject:
Good for you, J!
I, for one, am very glad that you are challenging yourself....makes a pretty good story next to mine.
Let me tell you of my adventure. There is this woman named Melyssa, a fellow graduate student. I went to her work on Friday night. She works as a waitress at a busy bar on the beach. I dressed up and traveled to the boardwalk. As I walked among the laughing teenagers, the very attractive women and really big muscular steroid-laden men, I felt for one felt well out-of-place. I broke into a sweat and attempted to muster all the remaining courage to place myself in line at the door. The bouncer wouldn't let me in. I didn't have my driver's license with me. I'm 31 years old. Give me a break: I have five o'clock shadow.
However, I got to talk with one of her co-worker and found out she was not working that day. I was so disappointed. I must have talked with Bombcat for a good hour or so in the socialphobiaworld chat room. The whole experience left me feel very lonely....
I think you had a better adventure that I did.....however, I will try to stay optimistic and look forward to the next one....
Hey Orlando--
Thanks for reading my silly adventures. And replying!
I can totally relate to your Melyssa experience! It's difficult to stay calm and on top of things when you feel so out-of-place and like you stick out (one reason I've tended to avoid the beach myself, not the right approach, I know, but hey... ) Many a time, even, I was dressed up with nowhere to go at all ... good to see that you got out there! I could totally picture myself in your shoes-- walking the boardwalk, feeling out-of-place and nervous, having stupid hassles trying to even accomplish the "task" of the day... and then finding out that the "task" is impossible for that day for reasons one only finds out after preparing and putting pout all tthe effort. When I've had that sort of experience it always depressed me as well, and made the lonliness really bad... Too much effort only to end up worse than where I began. So for a long time I didn't bother. And we all know how far THAT gets ya.
I guess I just personally hit a point where I'll take the fear and anxiety and embarassment that comes from trying to find what I want--sock it to me, dammit!!--if there's a reasonable shot I may get it in the end. The pain of years of avoidance has begun to outweigh the pain of the SA. As much as I may come off as "improving" and "motivated" over the past week, I don't think I would have gotten anywhere or done anything if that recent low hadn't been SO low as to convince me that it's now or never. Posts by others on this and other boards also scared the crap out of me--poor souls nearing 60 without being able to function in society, without ever having been in love or even dated... (granted I have done these things before; I'm definitely not as severe as many folks here) I had felt myself worsen over the past few years and didn't want that to be my future—and that's precisely the future towards which i was headed.
Funny, I'd hit low before, but never with quite the same effect...
Today I'm a good mood . In addition, more evidence of my life's abnormality—"Mrs. Robinson" emailed me
Joined: Mar 03, 2004 Posts: 267 Location: United States of America
Posted: Thu Sep 02, 2004 2:57 am Post subject:
Dear Significant Other of Ms. Robinson,
Just wanted to give you another update in the wild wild adventures of Orlando. I met with Melyssa at a coffee shoppe. We talked for an hour. She is currently in a relationship with a someone in Vt. This potential romance has not gone out with a bang but a whimper. It fizzled before it dazzled. It stinks but I atleast have a friend and that's fine with me.
Hey, does Ms. Robinson have a neice or daughter that would like to go out and have fun? LOL
However, Orlando... you not only met her at the coffee shop and hung out, AND made a new friend... but through her you may meet still more people... or you'll be "there for her" if her current romance fizzles
Joined: Aug 22, 2004 Posts: 11 Location: United States of America
Posted: Thu Sep 02, 2004 8:25 am Post subject:
when u figure it out let us know!!! u know what happens 2me when that happens....i try 2say something and something happens in the pit of my stomach and my mouth doesnt move or trembles when it does - my mind blanks out and i look really ditzy stupid. its easier 4me 2 not say ne thing and hope he says something 1st which alot of times doesnt happen. then i dont drink smoke so im home in my room alot so my opportunity is real limited re: meeting guys - at home i think about what 2say/do when it happens and it all disappears when i get the chance. sux 2b me.
neway ty 4 posting.
LOVE TRISHA
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In the end, it improves the old mood... I should be kicking myself for not speaking more with the girl from the first paragraph, but hey, there'll be another chance, and at least I got farther this time than I did at the start of this post 
And BTW, she does have a daughter LOL