Posted: Fri Sep 16, 2005 3:34 am Post subject: I'm shy only in certain situations---how to change?
Hi all!
It's a relief reading through all you guys previous posts and the things/situations which were mentioned mostly I can ALL relate to, having experienced them at some stages of my life. I guess it appears that universally, shy people react and think relatively the same, giving certain stimulus.
For myself, I think I am only a bit shy- and only in certain situations. My real friends don't think I'm quiet or shy, less close friends soemtimes think I'm quiet yet still a friendly person however (this is what they told me) however I get shy when meeting new people such as in the workplace, especially people who I perceive as "better/higher/above" me in terms of age, looks,status,etc. or people who I feel are loud and may embarrass me in front of others(perhaps not intentionally though)...Around them I soemtimes feel like they are judging me....thinking I look too young, innocent, not assertive,too shy/quiet.......yet I work hard to put up this image that shows that I am compotent, assertive and not quiet. But soemtimes inside me, I just crumble and don't want to continue.
When talking to people who are not my close friends, I always feel pressure to keep the convo going, because I don't want people to say "she's so quiet" or to think I'm boring and in future, not really want to talk to me or even tell others I am like this, so they others may not really want to know me too!
Sometimes I avoid or feel anxious over social situations because I never know what to say or can't think of funny comments/come-backs and don't want to sit there feeling left out.
All my problems with shyness come and go..sometimes I feel shy, soemtimes I feel confident and forget about my shyness problem, and only become shy again when there is "stimulus" which would tehn see me revert back to my old shy self.
If anyone has tips/hints on self-help or has experiences to share, please contact me. IT would help me!! thanks!!!
Joined: Aug 30, 2004 Posts: 189 Location: United Kingdom
Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2005 5:16 pm Post subject:
Parts of what you said made me think you were a bit phobic. Like:
Quote:
I get shy when meeting new people such as in the workplace, especially people who I perceive as "better/higher/above" me in terms of age, looks,status,etc. or people who I feel are loud and may embarrass me in front of others
You didn't mention any rational reason for being like this, e.g. that the people 'above' you in the workplace might hinder your success there in some way if you don't make a good impression. However,
Quote:
I don't want people to say "she's so quiet" or to think I'm boring and in future, not really want to talk to me or even tell others I am like this, so they others may not really want to know me too!
sounds quite rational to me. Our brains are designed to get pleasure from interaction and the fear that this might cease is normal for other species as well. I would guess that the reason for your shyness usually is not a phobia, but a lack of confidence in your social skills. Practise, taking time to empathise with others and choosing company wisely are my advice for that problem.
If you also have some kind of disapproval phobia, I would recommend first of all that you don't let it get worse. At the moment it sounds relatively mild, as you don't completely freeze in fear when it gets you. Avoidant behaviour and leaving long periods of time between experiences with the stimuli that turn out less negatively for you may add fuel to any phobia. There is information on the Internet about curing irrational fears which might help you, if you can work out exactly what yours is of. I'll give you a head start: http://www.explain.com/cure.htm I've never tried it. Don't have a strong opinion on if it works and even if I did, I'm not at all qualified to give or remove credibility. http://www.dentalfearcentral.com/overcome_phobia_neuro.html I do think believe this one gives sound advice. The principles here are among those I used to cure my phobia, before knowing they had technical terms. I kind of worked it out by trial, error and an exhausting amount of thought. This explains it very well, I think.
And personally, I think it helps to decide what has caused the phobia, so that when your emotions are giving you their take on the situation (persuasive b***ers, aren't they?) you've got something to counter their argument: "Ah, but you're only fooled into thinking that because...".
With luck, you don't have a phobia anyway. If you're not sure, feel free to PM me about it
_________________ 'Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else' ~ Liza Minnelli
Joined: May 16, 2005 Posts: 328 Location: United States of America
Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2005 5:39 pm Post subject:
The situations which cause you anxiety are very similar to mine. I am out there in the world trying to live and be successful, but there are certain people that intimidate me.
I picked up a book on self-esteem and the author described me so perfectly. I think this phobia of being judged by people who appear "superior" to us comes from a lack of self-esteem.
I am currently working on my self esteem by stopping negative thoughts and feelings of inferiority or worthlessness and trying to recognize my strengths as a person.
Joined: Aug 30, 2004 Posts: 189 Location: United Kingdom
Posted: Tue Sep 20, 2005 4:11 pm Post subject:
Angie_05 wrote:
The situations which cause you anxiety are very similar to mine. I am out there in the world trying to live and be successful, but there are certain people that intimidate me.
I picked up a book on self-esteem and the author described me so perfectly. I think this phobia of being judged by people who appear "superior" to us comes from a lack of self-esteem.
I am currently working on my self esteem by stopping negative thoughts and feelings of inferiority or worthlessness and trying to recognize my strengths as a person.
Yeah that's a good point. Mild social problems for some people come from self-doubt. I still suspect that some of the symptoms slightlyshy described are signs of irrational fear. I for one am no longer emotionally affected by disapproval, yet my low self-esteem is is taking longer to go. In my case, my feelings about myself were themselves a result of the phobia, not the other way round. Ever since nursery school, I assumed that other people were more confident than me because they were stronger, better than me. I didn't know I had a phobia that could have happened in anyone. This belief stayed with me until I worked out what the problem was, a few years ago, by which time the feelings of self-loathing were ingrained in me. There are many I know like me now, who have (sometimes very) low self-esteem, yet not social phobia (are unaffected by people's feelings towards them).
So having normal self-esteem isn't necessarily going to cure everybody (although of course it's worth getting!). It depends on the exact cause of the anxiety. I reiterate my advice to work out exactly what the problem is. I think if you can do this, you're quite likely to see how to go about curing yourself. When the cause really sinks in, the answer just seems like common sense, whether it's feeling better about yourself, extinction learning or tapping various parts of your body with your fingers for five minutes Did anyone read that link by the way? What did you think? Maybe I'll make make it a new topic...
_________________ 'Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else' ~ Liza Minnelli
WOW.
i am almost EXACTLY like you.
i thought i was completely alone on my situation
and i came home from the hard day and i decided i NEEDED help
andi looked on here.. and wow!
i am nearly exactly the same.
most of what you've said is exactly da same as me.
Quote:
When talking to people who are not my close friends, I always feel pressure to keep the convo going,
im the same with my "close" friends. i have three friends who i feel confident around and dont have any aniexties with. altho two of them are not "proper" friends just friends i go out with like once every three months!
i think i feel comfortable around them because ive known them since BEFORE i started to have SA. ive always been shy, but there was a time when i never questioned myself and felt stupid and all the other symptoms and thats when i met them. is that the same with you?
Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 9:59 am Post subject: Thanks all
Thanks to all who took the time to post a reply! It is appreciated and I am glad that I am not the only one out there. I think I may be just shy (and not phobic) due to lack of confidence. The lack of confidence probably stemmed from my childhood. I think I have become more and more confident since childhood though, however there are times when I just become vulnerable again and go back to my old state.
Well. I'm obviously no expert in social phobia. I don't even have it. At least I don't think I do Still, it looks to me like you're "just" shy. I can be shy in certain situations too, and you seem to be about as "bad" as me. It's good that you're aware and want to do something about it though. Obviously, if it's bothering you, it IS a problem.
Joined: Jul 19, 2005 Posts: 19 Location: United Kingdom
Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 5:52 am Post subject:
hey slightly shy!
once again i can sympothise with u, & once again i no exactly wat ur talkin about, i went from feelin superier in school, bein the cocky kid with a loud mouth allways takin the mick out of ppl & generally bein a lil s**t lol, 2 bein this "shy" withdrawn young man i am 2day!
it all started in school wen i was startin 2 watch the way i was lookin / actin infront of others, who no's wat triggered it but it happened & infact very quickly this problem occured!
the whole course of my problem is the anxiety constantly bein on my mind, they say men think about sex every 7 seconds, not me lol i think about blushin every second! maybe sex every 14 seconds lol
ive bin seein a councilor recently & shes done alot of research on wat i have & says that wat happens is my body has locked up feelins that i may not even no about (maybe something that happened in my past) but wen i feel a slight bit of anxiety, its as if my body trips a switch 2 stimulate this blushing reaction!
basicly the way 2 stop this problem is stop bloody worryin about it & get on with things & enjoy life!
obviously nowhere near as easy as that!!
im gona b gettin hypnotherapy sometime nx month... i'l keep u posted
(pardon the pun!)
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Hi all!
thanks!!!
Did anyone read that link by the way? What did you think? Maybe I'll make make it a new topic...
