Agoraphobia-fear of leaving my safe zone

Marie · Guest

I feel so alone in my suffering. For some reason over the past 10
years, my world has become very, very small. I have anxiety and
depression and agoraphobia. The agoraphobia really puts major limits on
my life. Does anyone else suffer from agoraphobia? Do you find it
impossible going down streets you don't know? Do you have nightmares
where you're lost and can't find your way to a safe spot?

Safe spot.....that would be my apartment and my job. Wherever I live is
my safe spot. I cannot travel anywhere. There is no cure for this
debilitating mental illness that I'm aware of.
I cannot even go to our local lake because you have to travel down a
long, long dirt road with lots of trees on either side of the road and I
fear getting stranded on that road somehow or stranded at the lake and
feeling trapped.

Feeling trapped. Claustrophobia. That is another one of my biggest
fears. I cannot go to my local mall comfortably because of all the
people and the feeling I might feel trapped and unable to escape, or
feeling scared if I walk too far away from my car even when I'm inside
the mall. I cannot even lock my bedroom door for fear the lock will jam
and I will be stuck in my bedroom with no way of escape. Yes, escape is
very important to me, especially on the road. If I start to panic going
down a road due to traffic or sometimes due to nothing but an uneasy
feeling, I like to always know I can turn around and escape.

I can't ride public transportation like buses or subways or airplanes or
trains or be a passenger in someone else's car unless I know them and
they tell me EXACTLY which roads they'll be taking and I have to be
familiar with those roads and I have to have their word that they will
stop if I panic. I have to be in control.

I'm constantly afraid of getting or feeling lost.

My doctor gives me Prozac for depression and ativan for my anxiety which
I take ONLY when I'm feeling panic coming on. I find the Prozac very
successful for the depression.

He can't treat the agoraphobia because I don't think there is a cure.
He suggests an anxiety management group for me, but I must say, I don't
feel comfortable around people. I've tried, I really have. I stay
alone all the time. I have no friends because I choose to have no
friends. I live with my ten year old son who is sad that I cannot do
things with him outside my safe zone.

I wonder if I will ever get my old life back? I used to have a life
relatively free from fear. I could travel anywhere and do or ride
anything. During the last 10 years I was married and had a baby. My
husband verbally abused me for the first seven years of our
marriage.....can that contribute to agoraphobia? I left him 3 years ago
(!) but my fears/phobias have only worsened.

I know my panic and depression have always been with me from childhood
and are inherited, but I just feel like I'm the only one in this world
with agoraphobia.

I have this enormous fear of people, too. I look around me all the time
at people, at work, shopping centers, grocery stores, and I'm afraid of
them. They all look so mean. I feel like I'm slime beneath their feet.
Sometimes while I drive I feel this way and get very anxious and afraid,
unsafe and panicky. But all my fears melt away once I'm home in my
"safe" zone.

Will I live like this the rest of my life? My parents live in Florida
and want very much for me to visit them. They are not my biological
parents but adopted me at 3 months of age. They cannot understand
depression, anxiety and most of all agoraphobia. They just think I've
made it all up. I'm so desperate to get better yet I see no hope.

I can't wait to die, because I only exist. I do not live. But in a
way, I am very content with my life as it is. I'll just stay in my safe
spot and chat in the internet and watch television, for it is my life.
I cannot confront my agoraphobia for I know I would go crazy.

Can anyone relate? Thank you for letting me get this off my chest!
marie

Tess · Guest

Marie, you are not alone! As I write this, it's been two weeks since I set foot outside my apartment door. My usual self-consciousness, extreme perfectionism, and fear of people have been greatly exacerbated since my move to the Paris region four years ago (I'm an American from a small town in Ohio, married to a Frenchman). I am constantly dogged by terrible feelings of inadequacy in a culture that puts a high premium on appearances, being chic, and speaking French impeccably, and no amount of reassurance concerning my French-language skills (I've been told I speak with no accent -- something I work very hard at) or my appearance (I'm also told that I "look very French," being petite and brunette) eases my irrational fears of public judgement and ridicule.

For these reasons, I also consider my apartment as my safe haven, the only place that is really MINE in a world where my favorite PUBLIC havens (bookstores, cafés, etc.) and dearest friends and family are thousands of miles away. However, since I live in a very densely populated Parisian suburb, I cannot even look outside my own windows or enjoy my balcony without 30-some other windows staring right back at me from apartment buildings all around, so in a way I'm not even comfortable in my own "home."

When I do go out, it's usually because I have a specific appointment and someone is counting on me to show up, and so I FORCE myself to go. I dread even preparing myself for the appointment (styling my hair, getting dressed -- "what's the use?" I say to myself..."I won't look pretty enough, fashionable enough, etc.") and while I'm on the bus or subway or walking down the street I feel so conspicuous and uncomfortable. I also dread having to speak to anyone in French, especially strangers, afraid I'll say something wrong and look like a fool. I dread neighbors knocking at the door or a stranger asking me for the time or directions in the street. Somehow, though, when an unexpected interaction does happen and I get through it rather well, I do feel better. But it doesn't prevent the fear from recurring in the future (as I said, no amount of reassurance ever assuages these deep fears).

Like you, I also have a fear of getting lost, which, again, has been magnified by living in a foreign country -- AND a big city. One way I've found that helps is to over-prepare for my trip by studying every possible subway route and connection and all the angles of the various neighboring streets. If you're used to the grid-like pattern (and car culture!) of the US, navigating Paris streets and subway exits can be daunting for anyone, let alone someone with agoraphobia! Also, when you don't have a car, it's very hard to hide away and run home when you get panicky -- the only way here is to force oneself onto the public transportation before reaching one's "haven."

By now I know that I certainly need professional help, that all this has prevented me from LIVING my life. I'm often struck by the realization that most incarcerated people have fuller days than I have, and the sad fact is that I'm inflicting this on myself. I also know that most, if not all, of this stems from an abusive childhood, but it doesn't mean that I've found any way to help myself just by knowing the triggers and causes of my lack of confidence. The problem is, it's even harder to find help here in France. I would really want to have an English-speaking therapist, and I'm not sure how to go about finding one here. Obviously I have less chances for a good "match." I'm also not sure if I could afford the treatment.

Marie, while I haven't offered much advice here, I hope that my message has helped you to see that you are definitely not alone! This weekend I have to face a picnic with my husband's colleagues, and I don't know how I'll turn the social charms and French language back "on" after over 2 weeks of total isolation. Wish me luck, and thanks so much for reading. I hope this has helped your own feelings of isolation. Your message certainly helped mine.

justen 52 · Guest

u should research the drug "nardil" , also the drug "atenolol"

Jess333 · Posted: Sat Feb 21, 2004 11:37 pm Post subject:

I'm seeing a reoccuring theme of escape. You fear of getting stuck somewhere and not being able to get away.

Did you have a sense of control as a child?

Did anything happen in your childhood that was traumatic? Any accidents?

Maybe you feel a lack of control?

Are you responsible with your job? Do you feel comfortable there?

Think for a minute and analyze where your fear might stem from. Do you know?

How do you honestly feel about yourself?

Jess333 · Posted: Sat Feb 21, 2004 11:44 pm Post subject:

This reaction stems from low self-esteem and pessimism.

And once pessimism sets in, then low self-esteem, it grows and festers like mold on month old rice. I know I just found a nasty pot of month old rice in my sister's rice cooker while she was away in Australia. ehehe

Having low self-esteem and thinking negatively causes depression and anxiety. And once you start believing everything you think, your world starts tumbling down on you and every door seems to shut in your face, IN YOUR MIND.

But, and here it is: IT'S NOT REALITY, it's only in your mind.

You put yourself where you are. And how do I know this? Because I was and still am to a certain extent, in your shoes.

Write me back if you want to talk more.

Very Happy

Jessica

Orlando · Posted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 7:20 pm Post subject:

Dear Marie,

I have been suffering from Social Anxiety since childhood. I remember also that my 'safe-place' was home. It was the only place I did not fear. I hated streets. I hated classrooms, the lunchroom, and the playground. In college, my sister asked me to take and send her pictures of the college campus. I was going to St. John's University, New York. I took two rolls of pictures of my dorm room from all different view points. When I sent it to her, she did not understand what it was. She asked,"Is this New York?" I didn't say anything but what I wanted to say was " Yes, this is New York to me. This is my world. I guess you don't understand me."

I am so sorry your feeling all this uncomfortable stuff. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. Be patient and good to yourself. You're the only one you got!

_________________
-Orl

neddy · Posted: Mon Mar 08, 2004 4:25 pm Post subject:

Hi Marie, I suffer from social phobia and if it wasnt for my job I would have no contact at all with the outside world unless I went to the supermarket. I also have got no friends by choice but I now realise that there are alot of decent people out there who really do care and will do anything to help you, you just need to stop being so negative and take a chance. Reach out for help if you have to. Find yourself a good support group, it'll be hard at first but worth the effort in the end. I'm at the stage where I am unable to even answer my door when the door bell rings and when I do I am too scared to invite people into my unit and even the telephone ringing used to terrify me, I used to shake all over, heart pounding and very tongue tied. Never knew what my problem was as the people on the other end of the phone couldn't see me, why was I so scared of the phone or was it because I had no idea who was on the other end as I don't like talking too strangers.

I also feel like I am just existing from day to day and not living life to the fullest, my life is so empty and I also wish I was dead then my problems will be over, but that is not the way to go. To you it seems like the solution but in the end it will only destroy your family and friends. Life is way too short, you may feel like you have hit rock bottom but you cannot fall any lower and you can try to pull yourself back up

Jess is right, something from the past must have triggered off this feeling, if you really think about it you may be able to work out what the problem is then you will have something to work on. I did this and now know what I have too do to overcome my problems.

No matter how bad you feel there are alot of people out there with a similar problem and they really do care, if you need help they are there for you, just start a new thread or find a support group. The only person that can help you overcome your problem is you, you can get alot of support and advice but you need to make the effort to make the changes yourself.

StangGurl · Guest

Hi
I was recently diagnosed with OCD and Anxiety Disorder.
Every morning when I want to go to work, I engage in rituals that prolong my leaving. I will clean my entire bathroom even. I go back to check outlets and appliances.
Worse is my physical symptoms associated with the commute to work. This includes rather violent vomiting and dizziness. Sometimes I turn my car around and return home to vomit. I am usually ok when I get to work and am there for about an hour.
When I want to run errands I have to do them on my way home from work or I cannot leave my home again. I am 25 years old and I no longer desire to go out on weekends, especially avoiding the movie theater.
I can't talk to people I don't know, can't smile, nothing. My home is my safety zone... I avoid meeting new people and I hate it when friends bring other friends with them when I DO actually go out.
I have been on Lexapro since February. It makes me less emotional but I have my down days too.
I need help.

researcher · Guest

First of all can I just say that the stories I read today are beyond traumatic. To be controlled by your own fears and prevented from having a life must be unbearable.

I'm doing a little reseach as I'm developing a web site for a well respected clinical hypnotherapist Steve Norton (uk based). You might find some help from his narrative there its www.freeyourmind.info.

I've found there doesn't seem to be much actual help out there for this condition, plenty of explanations but not many ways of actually dealing with it or methods to help reduce its effect.

I'm sure that you have already trawled the net for treatments and I am curious as to what you have found that works. And what is the best places that I can advertise his site so that you can read his messages of hope.

Kind Regards

Researcher

KenjinX · Guest

you guys are sooooooooooo not alone, i also have been agorephobic, and let just say i think i've spent a cumulative total of 2 years in my house during waking hours afraid to go out. What did i do? It started when i was 15 i think when i wouldnt go out during summer break. I used to cut like months of classes in high school. Did the same in college. i'm 23 now. Still trying to deal with it. Not just agorephobia but social anxiety. It also makes me depressed since its hard to live with this. I have thought of suicide as well. Many things as well to the point where i dont think i can explain lol. Um i also go to Saint John's University... perhaps we can help each other? or if anyone is in the NY, long island area? maybe we can get out and get some stimulus to the point where we dont feel the anxiety as much.