Joined: Mar 03, 2004 Posts: 267 Location: United States of America
Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2004 2:32 pm Post subject:
J and disneychick,
I think there are new adventures to be had. I am glad that Melyssa and I are friends, at least. I don't want to wish that her relationship will go sour. Stuff like that makes my life much more complicated. I don't want to be involved any covert missions to encourage a break up. I don't want to say something ("I hope everything is well with you and Jim.")....and not mean it.
I just don't want to double-think. If I start doing this, I'll begin to be suspicious that everyone is lying to me (because I'm lying to them). This type of thinking/relating just takes up too much of my energy. It totally drives me up the wall.
So I am happy to be her friend (It is painful too)....but if that's the way it is then that's the way it is.
It's been a while since you guys posted but here's my adventure:
Basically I'm anxious most of the time, i get the lip tremors and the really annoying sweating and all of that - and this compounds ten fold when theres an attractive woman anywhere in the vicinity, and if she happens to look at me or in my direction my anxiety skyrockets. I have NEVER had a girlfriend, hardly ever talk to girls, and even then on a superficial level, like answer whatever question they had quickly and directly quashing opportunity to small talk (and they are the ones that start these convos so it does feel pretty stupid ending them).
Anyway i'm 20 and this has been going on for around 4 years. Last weekend I decided i'v gotta do something. This sucks. It really does. lol I had seen this singles party thing on the web somewhere and noted the address and time. I had a beer at home, and tried to dress what I thought would be a 'party goer' style (nothing too crazy). I set my goal as just to go to the place, walk in look around, and then leave, in and out in 1 minute lol. Well I got there, walked down into the nightclub, it was around 9:30, looked around and there were like 12 people, 4 of those in a friendship group, 3 bouncer/entry people and a few bargirls. Well... my feelings sank there. But i just couldn't quit. I just stood somewhere in the vicinity of the corner, just looking and feeling really akward, standing there... turning around.. looking in a different direction every 30 seconds or so lol. Then this other guy just goes in and says hi I see your here alone too (it was a singles party), and I was like yeah... well this guy just starting talking and i listened made a few comments. We got to a table somewhere in the corner, got a few beers, and just waited for the party to start up. I probably should mention, even as i was drinking my second beer my hands were still shaking. Bit later the party got going, and the crowd was gathering. The alchohol had taken its effect and i was feeling the SP diminish. The guy set lets go look around so we went, and when we returned these 3 others 2 chicks n this guy had taken our table.. and of course being a tough guy he said lets go sit there anyway... and I was like.. um.. us.. there..? ok.. The blonde chick was really hot, the type that would make my anxiety skyrocket, but it didnt... thanks to the alchohol. An hour went by and in the end I was actually DANCING with this blonde chick, and she was around 26, 6 years older than me LOL.. I couldn't believe it (of course when I had to 'hold' her while dancing even with the super powers of alchohol I felt reaaally wierd and nervous, and only held her slightly, fearing her contact). Yeah so this continued nicely until the guy who was with the 2 girls had to leave, and since he was driving them, she had to leave too. This is where it all falls flat on its face.. I was like yeah go ahead, it's cool ill see you next time (when i was meaning to say can i have your number lol). Then the rest of the night was shit, i felt depressed about reaching this amazing thing dancing with a girl, and now i was back to step 1. Since that im over this thing lol, but thats my story. I REALLY hated myself for using alchohol to help with socialising, and guilty and stuff, but at the same time the fact that she was flirting with me somehow pleased me. Here I am again.. its friday.. no singles parties... no Idea if I will stay home or what. Now I feel like im now back to my SP sweaty nervous self again without the help of alchohol, and that the whole experience was fake, she was just pretending to be nice to me, i was imaging all that and all the usual SP shit. lol
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