i have had 2 serious jobs in the past, one where i had to sell stocks over the phone and one as a sales person in a computer store
the first one i realy enjoyed because there were several people i knew well working there and i had a some good times with them
the second i undertook on my own becuase i wanted to be independant and not rely on others...both jobs failed though
after about 4-5 months i get convinced that everybody dislikes me at work and would like to see me leave....then i get depressed real bad and i can't do the job i'm suposed to anymore so i get fired or fire myself like i did on the stock job
those thoughs start pretty soon but only after 4-5 months they become unbarable and i can't forgive myself anymore for still not being able to talk and participate in sociability with my colleagues
by the way, i have had done several work angency jobs in the past where i lasted 1-3 days also, i bet it wouldn't be any difrent when i tried now
i think it's because the jobs suck and because of that i don't have any distractions from my maladaptive thoughts about my social preformance with colleagues (other then how bad the job sucks) and because i don't have any other kind of social contact i miss it more and yet have another reason to think about it more
when i work as a sales person i'm not too worry'd about what to say...i mean i know right¿ i gotta sell some stuff....anyway that works for me.
only when people start expecting contact in a more personal way from me i freeze. like for example i had this customer one day...i was doing realy good behing the cassier..smiling at customers and selling good and then a colleague of mine asks a waiting customer if he wants to be helped to wich he reply's he'll wait for me.
so i was like what the hell, it must be because i'm seeming so friendly and smiling all the time. now i've gotta be like that to him too...so i froze up and i wasn't able to be myself like i was before anymore for that time becuase i felt the presure that i had to be like that
on overal i didn't do extremely well though, i was more like an average joe salesman while if i feel good about myself i'm far more then that (i ecperienced in particular on the stocks job)
but most of the time i didn't felt that way.
the job did make me feel a bit better about myself, i could greet my neighbours with a smile and travel without having the fear that people where constantly judging me.
Its sounds like your jobs have been benificial to you in the past even when they suck...and when you do find one you really enjoy it'll be that much better!!
I had someone come in one day when I was working cashier, who out of a random act of kindness gave me a little stuffed animal because I helped her with something over the phone (she made them by-hand for a living). It froze me up a little because it threw me off guard, just like how that customer asking for you at the cash register did. I was polite and nice, but basically just happy and scared.....really messed up emotions. Basically the feeling was I was happy to receive such a gift and it made my day, but I felt an enormous wave of self-judgement slip over me. Like she had to really like me or else I wouldn't be worthy of her kindness. The thing with that was, it really didn't matter how I came across just that I was there to receive her gift.
The second thing is I know I get in my head that people don't like me and many times generalize it to huge groups of people, like everyone I work with. When that happens its like one million times harder to do your own job from the feeling of isolation, specially if the job is excruciating. The benefit when there are other people to talk to is that you can rant and vent about all the shitty shortcomings of your shared, chosen calling. Anyway, the generalization of this thought is the worst thing in the world, but there is absolutely no way that everyone on the job dislike you. I find that we really have no clue what anyone is thinking unless they specifically tell us and even then they could be lying.
Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 10:12 pm Post subject: right up my street!!!
hi, well i work for an agency, which totally suits my personality and my version of sp. why it suits me is.....im fine when it comes to people i don't know, and with this job i only every work in the same place maybe twice in a row, and then wouldn't work there for another 6 months. i feel comfortable with this because what i fear the most is people gettting to know me, find out that really i am a boring, shy type who has no social status etc etc. i am ashamed of my life and what it has come down to. i know this is an ego thing related somehow to pride, but allowing people into my life scares the shit out of me. maybe coz of what they might think of me, and i don't want them to think im some sort of mis fit....annie no mates so to speak. but my life is so dismal, nobody to talk to nobody to go out with, and worst of all, nobody to love or love me. what a waste of life. has anyone got any advise for me. the way i see it is, i have the worst form of sp. im so helpless. ive been reading some of ur posts and at least u have ur mates. what more do u need. at least u have company where as me on the other hand have not. im all alone and i think i always will be......
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always will be...... 
