shy guy

Jen · Guest

So, I have this friend who is... reclusive. I would really like to gain some insight if anyone has any. I want to understand him better (without, of course, being presumptuous - obviously the only person who can really say what's going on is he, himself, and he doesn't seem to be very good at putting those kinds of things into words).

He's a really intelligent guy. I've known him for about 3 years. We both belong to the same co-ed social fraternity, and have a lot of mutual friends, most of whom have known him for 5-6 years. He and I were Class '02, so we're graduated now but still live in the area.

I've interacted with and befriended a lot of introverts before (I'm somewhat introverted myself), but he's different. I've *never* seen him fully relax. As far as I've seen, his "relaxed" state is a low level of tension and discomfort. I've never seen him get very stressed out, either. He doesn't strike me as anxious or depressed. (Obviously, it's hard to tell, but he doesn't seem to relate to depression at all when I've talked about it - I've been through depression, but not extreme shyness.) He lives in an apartment by himself, and describes himself as "content" and "used to" being alone. I don't think he's unhappy.

He never takes the initiative in contact. He also is hard to get in touch with, especially if it hasn't been awhile since the previous attempt. By "hard to get in touch with," I mean unresponsive to phone, e-mail, AIM, or physically going to his apartment and knocking on his door. I used to think it might just be me, especially since I'm of the opposite gender - although he's shown very little interest in non-platonic relationships of any sort, so for all we know, he's asexual. In any case, all of our mutual friends have felt shunned by him at one point or another. It's fairly typical to only see him every couple of months, even though he lives just a couple miles away.

He does get some social interaction through Everquest. A lot of our friends blame EQ for his reclusiveness, but that's always seemed much too simple an answer for me, particularly since I also play EQ. I have a handful of other friends who play EQ extensively, and they're all a lot more responsive to contact than he is. Plus, they aren't perpetually uncomfortable around people they've known for a long time. He's a lot less responsive to ingame messages than most people.

Some people in our fraternity have said he used to be more social. I asked him about when he joined. He said he's always been shy, but when he got to college he wanted to try going out more. In the end though, he said, "it didn't feel right." He couldn't describe it in any other way. He says he does enjoy hanging out, but always feels awkward. This is evident in his body language.

He's quiet. Never swears. Is embarrassed about how his apartment looks (even though it's always seemed clean when I've seen it.). Is pretty much the most introverted person I've ever met. I used to worry about his health and safety. For a year or so after graduation he lived alone in his apartment, and rarely left. But at some point he was feeling desperate about getting a job, and actually e-mailed me and another of our friends. The other one was able to really help get him a job. Now I'm not as concerned.

In the past I've felt quite hurt by his discomfort and reclusiveness, and he knows this. I used to interpret it as a sign that he didn't care, and found it hard to believe him when he said it isn't intentional, that he does consider me a friend, etc. But I do know he cares now, so I feel a lot better around him these days. Still, I find myself trying to make sense of things. I want to understand. Will there ever be a time when he does finally relax? Is he just a really, really shy person, or is there something more to it? Thoughts of any sort?

-Jen

shep · Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2004 1:07 am Post subject:

We all share in some level of shyness yet we are individual in countless other ways. I suspect that he has a lot to say about his shyness but finds it difficult to express himself as so many of us do. He may not be aware of this or similar sites and I believe that anyone with shyness would find help or, at least, some comfort in knowing that there are many others with similar problems and that many of us are able to talk about them here. It's a day-to-day struggle and we need all the help we can get. He's lucky to have a helpful and concerned good friend as you are. Many of us have few or even no friends at all.

lonelycody · Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2004 5:10 am Post subject:

Shep has a really good point.

I am very shy and introverted and have lived on my own for the last 10 years. I have got no friends haven't for a very long time. I find that the more time I spend on my own the worse I get. I even got to the stage where I was too scared to answer the phone, everytime someone used to knock on the door I used to run and hide. Just the thought of having someone in my flat makes me nervous. I tend to avoid people big time. I have been hurt alot in the past, have got very low self esteem/low self confidence and have been told that I am a no hoper and will get no where in life. This has got alot to do with the way I feel about myself. I am a recluse, in the unit where I used to live my neighbours hadn't seen me for awhile and got worried so they rang the police to see if I was ok, how embarrassing.

Finding this site is one of the best things I did, it has made me realise that I am not alone and that there are alot of other out there with similar problems.

There may be a reason why your friend is the why he is and if he wants help then it is up to him to reach out and ask for it. He is the only one to help himself. He is lucky he has got you as a good friend, that's more than what I have got. Hive him all the support he needs if he lets you that is

_________________

substance · Guest

Do u guys do dope?
i mean, perhaps the guy do some sort of illegal sunstance, is the case results in weed, u should have a blunt with him. now if the guy doesnt do drugs, perhaps he needs a bit of the.

Now the conclusion:
Quit playin that videogame. <---awful and disgusting when becomes addiction. the worst to treath.

peace.