Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 1:41 pm Post subject: I feel so frustrated...:(
There is this new guy at the MMA (mixed martial arts) gym. He is in top shape... since he's a former weightlifting team in high school and he's very strong for his size. He can benchpress 250 lbs while I can only benchpress 150 lbs.
During his first week, we sparred... I obviously kept being on top and beating him in every sparring due to his obvious lack of experience and knowledge of techniques. Even without the stamina he has, I was able to establish dominance.
But after a month... with the few submissions he knows, he was able to make me tap out one round after the other. He is one strong mofo. If he grabs an arm, it is really really difficult to free it and resist it. And so, I stepped up my training, particularly on the cardio part. Done alot more jogging, pushups, sprawling, situps, etc... during my free time. I trained really really HARD due to the humiliation I received.
Yesterday, I tried putting my skills to the test again. I was made to fight him and I still kept losing because he is fucking strong (or maybe I'm just weakling I dunno) Frustration was all that was on my mind and I started to lose the willpower to fight.
I was like... what the fuck Ive trained so hard but I cannot still measure up to this guy!!! I've been training for almost 10 months already and I'm getting destroyed by this new guy!!! I have a 40 pound weight advantage but I'm the weaker one. I've asked myself if he's really some prodigy student who can be a future UFC champion or if I just suck shit so bad. Everyone who saw him whup my ass was just smiling and talking among themselves... probably about how much I suck shit or something. I dunno. Fuck. It really hurt me so bad.
Yesterday I almost cried during training due to the immense amount of frustration. It is simply completely UNACCEPTABLE to be defeated by a newcomer. Now I'm just angry and I just trained even harder awhile ago before sitting down and typing this. I cannot accept that I'm the inferior one. That is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE! I trained really hard awhile ago doing lots of pushups, situps, and jumping and running around. To the point that whenever I feel like my muscles are about to shut down, I JUST FUCKING PUNCH MYSELF because I cannot accept weakness.
This is just pathetic. I really feel like a fucking loser. I cannot get an average jane to fuck me... I cannot do anything right... and dont fucking tell me I'm a fucking weakling!!! My mother told me that I'm descended from a 17th century warlord in my home country. I feel like a disgrace. I feel like a fucking weakling.
Joined: Jan 16, 2006 Posts: 627 Location: Northern Europe
Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 7:50 pm Post subject:
I'm sure it's hard to accept, but I can't see that there's any reason to worry too much about it. You're probably more skilled, but he's stronger.
We see small, weak people beating up big thugs with martial arts or whatever in the movies all the time, but it's just not like that in real life. Skill might help you some, but brute strength is going to be a HUGE advantage in any fight! That's just life. I've been working out for 18 months now, and still almost every guy in the fucking world can lift more weights than I can. It sucks ass, but what can you do?
_________________ :: fear is the mindkiller :: kein mitleid für die mehrheit
Antisocial, I think you should really try not to judge yourself only on the basis of fighting abilities. We are all engaged in a variety of activities, on which you can measure yourself if you want. Why putting all your self esteem at stake in this one field? It's quite irrational, if you think about it.
You can only lift 150 lbs? So what! I'm sure I could not manage half of that! But I simply don't have to judge myself on the basis of this, and I don't, and neither do you have to.
Perhaps you should consider taking up some other hobby other than martial arts, things often look important just because you keep being focused on them. Once you stop for a while, you might even find yourself wondering how the hell you could have been so concerned about it.
_________________ I died and I reincarnated in myself again.
Antisocial, I think you should really try not to judge yourself only on the basis of fighting abilities. We are all engaged in a variety of activities, on which you can measure yourself if you want. Why putting all your self esteem at stake in this one field? It's quite irrational, if you think about it.
You can only lift 150 lbs? So what! I'm sure I could not manage half of that! But I simply don't have to judge myself on the basis of this, and I don't, and neither do you have to.
Perhaps you should consider taking up some other hobby other than martial arts, things often look important just because you keep being focused on them. Once you stop for a while, you might even find yourself wondering how the hell you could have been so concerned about it.
Yeah man. I've put self-esteem and lost most of it on other things. Like I tried to get into animation school more than fucking 5 times. Got really serious on trying to improve my drawing skills... but to no avail. That crushed me for a bit...
Also when it comes to girls, I suck shit big time. The only kind of girl that ever fucked me was a prostitute which is really pathetic. Hand em $100 and they're your gf for 30 minutes and then its over. In reality, cannot get an average jane to fuck me. That also hurt like hell.
And I dont have any friends either and I spend most of the time alone that only without the 7 post limit on this site, I would post post post post and post.
Now Ive got all this pent up rage in me. I feel like an animal backed into a corner with nowhere to run. Yo honestly man, I have fucking nobody to spill my guts to and it fucking hurts like hell that I just cry in the night sometimes with no unprovoked reason. Yeah I take meds a bit and they help a bit... they balance out the chemicals in my brain... But when I forget to take em, I sometimes just cry for no unprovoked reason. It is just fuckin very very painful.
I have an inner desire to fight... When I started training, I suddenly felt a sense of purpose in existing in this world. I told myself that I may be dumb, I may be ugly, I may be a social idiot... but I'm gonna be one tough SOB. I go there in order to learn how to be TOUGH. Because I'm gonna need all the toughness I can get since I got nobody to confide in except this message boards and my psychiatrist.
I dream about fighting and daydream about it all the time. Because Ive lost so many school streetfights in the past... if only Ive won most of em, I wouldnt needed to be setback in gaining respect. Yep. That was the only way I got people in elementary and highschool to stop bullying me. By fighting back with my naturally weak body... which I've strengthened quite a bit due to rigorous training and not giving up easily.
One of my sensei's told me that I've improved light years since day 1... I remember I couldnt jog 5 rounds around the dojo wthout me gasping for air like crazy.... and when my pain tolerance was just extremely pathetically low. And another experienced cagefighter I train with told me I'm pretty skilled for a beginner...
But fuck. I kinda think now that they lied to me after seeing it myself firsthand... getting destroyed by a dude whose been only training for a month.
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