Not sure the point of this but here goes

J_ · Newbie User Joined: Jul 19, 2006 Posts: 23

Ok, so this is my first post, although I've been lurking for a few months and this site has been a HUGE comfort for me, so a big thank you to all those that post here. You're doing good for your fellow man/woman Wink

So maybe a bit about me, the things that bother me and a little background.

I'm 24, male, live in London and on the face of it, a pretty normal guy, so it would seem Wink

To look at me in the street you would never know my frustration, anxiety, misery and loneliness

So a bit of background, first I was always the shy kid and although my family weren't particularly hurtful to me, they were always a bit callous and lacking of emotion. I'd often take the fall for things I hadn't done, even when my parents knew I was the innocent party. Same in school and to add to things, was bullied day in day out from the ages of about 10-12. No-one believed me or know one cared, until it got to a point where I had to move class. After that I was bitter and miserable, and ended up taking it out on others, even to the point where I ended up bullying a girl who after a while left the school, so the cycle continued Sad

Left school at 16, and before I started working full time, went on the best holiday of my life with a huge group of people, like a tour group sort of thing for about 1 month. In true stereotype, I was myself, the girls wanted me Wink

and the guys wanted to be like me, not trying to boast but just to tell it how it is. I kissed, made out with a fooled around with a fair few girls, and even turned down 2 opportunities for sex, arghhhhh!

So the holiday finished, the few people I'd kept in contact with were idiots, and didn't put enough effort into making friends and keeping in contact with the more decent people. Too paranoid that they didn't like me I guess.

I slowly slipped into social avoidance, for reasons varying from low self esteem, had terrible skin, was shy and generally nervous around people. I tried going out, but never had the best of times. Not driving either didn't help with things. And working too much probably didn't do much for my social life.

This carried on till my late teens and went from bad too worse. Was becoming more shy around people, especially women, usually only relaxed on holidays, which were few and far between, stayed in too much, probably smoked too much weed Wink

Got to 20, and things really started going downhill. I ended up in a job I wasn't particularly happy with, stopped going out even more than before, all my good mates were in relationships or doing their own thing and never had time for me. The only opportunities I had with women I was either too shy, avoidant or just didn't see the signals until it was too late. Plus being a 20 something virgin doesn't do much for the self esteem Wink

. Should probably add, that I'm not a bad looking guy, so I've been told, but having 0 self esteem doesn't do you any favours in your love life. I guess I'd have to post a pic so you lot could judge for yourselves though Wink

Took a year out at 22 and did pretty much nothing to socialise, just got on with life, did go to pubs a bit, but was always miserable. Got a few good things out of that year out, but should have made more of an effort to get out more and make myself more comfortable with people, especially women.

At 23 I started at the same job again, was still miserable, still didn't socialise enough, then not at all and was begining to lose it. My 24'th birthday was nearing, and the biggest thing on my mind was that I was still single, hadn't kissed a girl in just over 5 years Sad

and was still a frickin virgin. My skin had just started to clear up, and one thing I had always told myself, was that when my skin cleared up, i wouldn't be so self aware and could get back into the happy world again.

BUT I COULDN'T

I couldn't look people in the face let alone go out partying and having fun again.

I started looking on the internet, initially about my virgin status Wink

as I thought I was the last one left in the world, at my age anyway, and came accross something about SA/SP. I'd never even heard of it before and thought I was just the anti-social guy who avoided social situations cause I was so bad at them.

More recently found out I had BDD as well, but once my skin cleared up that was gone, and found out about the BDD after my skin had cleared up, so again it was more a comfort thing to know I wasn't just "weird" in the way I acted about things.

So that's my story out the way, now for my progress, and maybe some things to help others in my situation out.

Firstly, I have broken the spell and a month ago made out with a girl, didn't do the deed but all in good time, and no, things didn't work out with her, lol.
Have started making an effort to make and contact old friends, and just generally get out at every point I can.
I opened up to most of my friends about the things that were bothering me and got a lot of comfort from that.
Have finally gotten around to working out a bit, got tired of being skinny and pissed of about it Wink

I'm eating better, not smoking weed or very occasionally. Still smoke cigs though, but trying to stop.
Trying to stop worrying like I always used to and trying to stop comparing myself to others.
I keep my head up, try to smile, and try to look people in the eye.
Joined some dating sites and "friendship" sites, cause however it comes accross, I was always looking for more than sex, a caring two way relationship would be nice, but again, all in good time AND I MUST MAKE THE EFFORT.
BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, NOT TAKING LIFE TO SERIOUSLY.

I'm feeling better than I used to, even about my job, but I'm not 100%.

I still look at the past too much, I still think I may have missed the boat on a few things, still a little shy and anxious and still get depressed, although it is nowhere near as bad as it was, and knowing what I know now, I will never allow it to be that bad again.

As the saying goes, I want to stop worrying and start living.

So that's it, thanks for reading through if you did, maybe you found some comfort in what I had to say, maybe you have some suggestions on how I can improve my self esteem or maybe you want some tips on how I improved it a bit by myself.

Anyway, take care and I'll see you on the forum Wink

Plurby · Newbie User Joined: Sep 12, 2006 Posts: 35

Hi J

It's good to meet you. Well done on getting yourself where you want to be. Smile

I'm like you, I think. I feel a lot better a lot better about my self, more now than I think I have ever felt. I am hoping I can stay this way, so I shall have to keep pushing myself forward so I don't do a reverse turn. Do you know what I mean?

Hope we chat again soon. Take care!

Claire x

J_ · Newbie User Joined: Jul 19, 2006 Posts: 23

Hi claire, thanks for the mesg.

To be honest, some of yesterday and a bit of today have been feeling slightly down

I think the one thing that definitely makes is worse is looking back.

But I decided last night that I'm gonna go for a holiday soon. Over the last 4 years I've only gone away once, and it wasn't like I didn't have the money, I just relied on others and when they were too busy, I just got on with things. So yeah, a good 2 week holiday will do me some good. Wink

You know, the more I think about it, it seems to be a common SA prob. We can rely on others a bit too much to lead the way, and that's something I'm trying to change. I want to start a few "activities" on my own, maybe rock climbing, absailing, or start with something simple like badmington and maybe even be the leader for a change. Smile

Plurby · Newbie User Joined: Sep 12, 2006 Posts: 35

Hi J

I think you're right about relying on others. Probably the more we let others tell us where to be the less trusting we are on ourselves and what we might want out of life. I tended to be a follower when I was at school, I would hang on to my friends cardies, quite literally, when going from lesson to lesson, lol.

I'm sorry to hear you were feeling down. I get like that occasionally, and I don't know about you, but I worry incase I get to how I was before. I think I would only get that bad now if something happened to make me depressed then I would fall straight back into how I was. Or maybe I would surprise myself, I hope so. Wink

You go on holiday and have a great time! Very Happy

Good for you for wanting to take charge of yourself! I'm only speaking from my own experience, but I felt so much better about myself when I had managed to push myself in to doing something I wouldn't have dreamt of doing before.