Posted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 7:58 pm Post subject: Anxiety, panic, depression ruled/ruined my life
Still does actually.. I've had it my entire life, but only got diagnosed about six years ago. In the early days they called it a Learning Disability and tossed me into special education classes. For a while they accused me of "not trying" and tried to temp me with little prizes/gifts if I'd just try harder. You can imagine what that did for my anxiety. Of course back then (the mid-70's) they didn't really know or have a word for my troubles, so I can't really blame them too much. The end result, however, was that I got stuck in special education for my entire school life, right up until I got thrown out of high school and told not to come back (this was in my senior year). Actually, when I tried to go to a local community college four years ago, they once again said I was learning disabled and gave me extra time on tests and such... Eventually I dropped more classes than I completed and haven't been back since.
I don't really remember the exact times or dates, but for a while when I was younger (pre-high school) I was agoraphobic and was afaid to leave the house or ride the bus (the bus was a biggie). I remember having attacks when I did go out, but didn't know what they were and so didn't know how to handle them except to run away.
I've lost a lot of jobs over the years and I'm worried about the one I have now.
For years I was "pee shy" (still am a little) but didn't make the connection to my anxiety and so didn't treat it properly. My doctors had no idea what I was talking about (& neither did a lot of "shrinks") when I asked what I could do to get over it. It's not so bad now, but it took well over 20 years to get to this point.
Since my anxitey has and still does get in the way of, among other things, my going to school, I'm stuck in lousy jobs for little money but live in a very expensive part of the country. This has got me feeling very depressed and hopeless, and has me exeriencing what I like to call a "mid-life crisis". (not my first). I go through a lot of mood swings, but even when I'm "up" I still have the anxiety and feel I always will.
My dad died of cancer when I was sixteen so I didn't have a father figure growing up and my mother drank too much and didn't really try to fill the gap. Then when I was 29 my older brother, who also suffered from anxiety, "escaped" his troubles in a motel room with a pistol. That was no big surprise so it probably didn't effect me as much as it might have... Still is sucked. Then about three years ago my mother died very suddenly, badly and without much warning. We were never very close, but it was horrible and tramatic to watch her die in such agony and fear.
About five years ago I tried the medication route, but the side effects were so bad I had to stop. (Though I can't prove it, I'm certain the Prozac caused my Labyrinthitis). My anxiety has always made it very hard for me to take medications of any kind, drugs too. In school I never got past pot and even dropped that when a joint made me sick (I panicked). I never whent back, but told myself it was because I didn't want to ("it's a dead end" I said), and even though I do beleive it's a dead end, the truth is I was afraid.
Now days I'm pretty social, but still have trouble in certain situations. Anything difficult or complicated can set me off (taxes, my computer giving me trouble, tests, MATH, deadlines, work), and most of all, my relationship with my fiance.
We've been engaged for over 8 years....... That should say something right there. Now she's talking about leaving if things don't get bettter.
I'm not physically violent, never have been, but I'm a PITA to deal with when I'm having a flare-up. I know it's just too much for her and I can't blame her for being tired.
As for treatment, I'm cursed with Kaiser Permanente and it's lame-ass approach to medicine. Their approach to treatment is either to immidiately prescribe medication or enroll you in group therapy. The problem I found with the groups is that they treated everyone in the room as if we all had the same problem and could all be treated exactly the same way (a "cookie cutter approach" I called it). As if what worked for one person who was clearly more aggitated then some others in the room would work for everyone else. Their suggestion of deep breathing and stretching never worked for me and I'm too afraid to take drugs.
Another option is to talk with a private practice therapist, but at my slavedriver, retail job from hell, I can't afford their $125.00 an hour.
Granted it might be worth the cost, but will it be worth it when I find myself homeless and living under a bridge???
I could go on and on with this, but if you suffer from anxiety, as you very likely do on this site, I don't have to tell you too much.
Hopefully I can find some answers and share some experiences with others on this site.
-TJ
Last edited by Need2StopRunning on Thu Dec 07, 2006 12:52 am; edited 2 times in total
Joined: Oct 14, 2004 Posts: 420 Location: 44/M/Miami, FL
Posted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 9:39 pm Post subject:
Hi TJ
Welcome to SPW. I'm sorry to say but it sounds like you've been thru hell. And I kinda know what that is like.
I've tried meds and therapy groups too, and they just made me worse. Perhaps you can try Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). ACT is pretty much self-help right now, unless u can find an ACT therapist and can afford them. Until I found ACT my life was a downward spiral.
Hope to chat with you soon.
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You can imagine what that did for my anxiety. Of course back then (the mid-70's) they didn't really know or have a word for my troubles, so I can't really blame them too much. The end result, however, was that I got stuck in special education for my entire school life, right up until I got thrown out of high school and told not to come back (this was in my senior year). Actually, when I tried to go to a local community college four years ago, they once again said I was learning disabled and gave me extra time on tests and such... Eventually I dropped more classes than I completed and haven't been back since.
