I'm obsessed with not having a gf

SocialRetahd · Expert User Joined: Dec 02, 2006 Posts: 762

It's all I think about 24/7. I am losing my freakin mind here. Every year I get a little older, age a little more, making it even harder. I don't know what to do to be perfectly honest. I can't enjoy a thing. How can I cope?

Starry · Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 8:34 am Post subject:

I totally unbderstand how you both feel - I'm now 21 and have never had a boyfriend. Each year, I get older and lose a little hope. As much as I would love to have a boyfriend, and I have daydreams etc. (Actually, daydreams are another problem, I tend to dream of what is basically a fairytale, not real life.) I really don't think I could actually cope with a real life person lol. I get anxious talking online sometimes. Shocked

Especially when people are nice to me. Shocked

That's not much use as support for you though. Confused

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bimbo45 · Newbie User Joined: Nov 12, 2005 Posts: 64

J_ · Newbie User Joined: Jul 19, 2006 Posts: 23

Ahhh, ok, as a recently broken in ex-24 year old who'd never had sex before (let's stear clear of the out dated "v" word), I will try and offer my advice.
1) Forget about a girlfriend/boyfriend for now. Work on those social skills by trial and error in the real world. You can get over it, and if you don't know where to start, all the help you need is just a few clicks away onj any search engine. Try searching social skills, or confidence boost/self esteem boost etc...
2) IT DOES NOT MATTER WHETHER YOU ARE 17 OR 71. As long as those lungs are still stealing my precious oxygen, you owe me at least a small bit of effort. Try, worst that can happen? You fail. Then you try again. and again. Until you are unable to try anymore. Never ever give up.
3) No more woe is me talk. You are in control of your own destiny.

errr, boss is coming, gotta go, more shortly, prob tomoz Wink

renegade · Advanced User Joined: Oct 26, 2005 Posts: 338

brad22482 · Posted: Tue Jan 23, 2007 10:56 pm Post subject: Suprised

I am actually a bit suprised that females are having problems getting a boyfriend. I always thought it was easy for females to find a suitor, all they have to do is wait to be hit on. Is there something else going on? Are you in shape, fashionable, know how to apply makeup? Do you ignore guys, refuse to go out on dates?
As a guy it sucks because you have to actually approach, start a conversation, get to know her, and then ask her out. For me, w/ SAD, just approaching was nerve wracking. It was as anxiety provoking as having fear of heights and jumping out of a plane. Yes, that is a personal experience. So when I tried, I came across w/ a fight or flight response, which is not great to have for social situations. I eventually learned to avoid social situations.
Again, I do realize that I might sound a bit naive but to me, females even w/ SAD should dominate the relationship scene b/c society dictates they have a passive role. I can see why a female with SAD would have more difficulties career wise than a male w/ SAD but not in relationships. Would you mind explaining?
Hope I didnt sound to ignorant or tick anyone off.

brad22482 · Posted: Tue Jan 23, 2007 11:15 pm Post subject: GET HELP NOW

Also to get back on topic, I recommend you seek help for your Social Anxiety disorder (SAD) with a psychologist or psychiatrist. Get on an anti-anxiety drug and seek cognitive/behavioral therapy.
I am 24, almost 25, and I am in the exact same boat as most of you. It will not go away, you will become more and more desperate, to the point you consider that life is not at all worth living. This was, and still is in some ways, me. I didnt know about Social Anxiety Disorder and tried everything w/ no success. I was almost in a relationship with a girl I adored but ended up having my heart smashed by her. I became bittered with the world and suicidal. Right now I am in medical school and failing b/c of SAD/not being in a relationship. I have been on treatment, counseling and Zoloft, for the past 3 months. Thanks to the treatment, I now have 4 girls that I am seriously communicating with one by phone, 3 by facebook/hotornot. This is the closest I have ever been in a relationship, I feel almost normal. I still dont have a GF or have ever been kissed, but this is the closest I have been in my whole life. Right now my main problem is time, as you can imagine for a med student its very limited. I am trying to bring my GPA up so I wont be kicked out of school and lose my dream of being doctor, but it probably wont happen. So now I am dealing w/ losing all my achievements in life and finding a GF. Seek professional treatment asap. I wish I did 8-9 years ago when I started having problems at the age of 16.

SocialRetahd · Expert User Joined: Dec 02, 2006 Posts: 762

lol. I'm using hotornot.com too. The site where insecurity and ego collide!!!

Kinetik · Posted: Wed Jan 24, 2007 3:26 am Post subject:

You know, the only reason you guys aren't attached is simply because you're not "out there" - all you need are contacts. When I talk to others with SA, they say things like "I'm ugly," but it has absolutely nothing to do with appearance. Nor does it matter that you still live at home or what kind of car you drive. It's just a sociability thing. If you can get outside and start making casual friends, you're halfway there. If you can combine that with being nice, easy-going, funny, with a good attitude on top of it, you're totally golden.

I know this because I go through very sporadic times of socialness, and nearly every time I've ventured out of my shell, something's happened. And trust me, I'm not rich or fabulously good looking. I just wanted to throw this out there because a lot of people here find fault with themselves simply because they have a hard time meeting others. You guys are not nearly as repulsive as you think, in fact, there's nothing wrong with any of you. You just need to get out (more).

veryshy · Posted: Wed Jan 24, 2007 5:17 am Post subject:

Well Im kind of relieved to say I do not have SAD, at one time I thought that I could have and me thinking I might have it tended to make me feel like I did which seemed to make me take on a role as if I did. I looked around at other people, and even though I did not talk to them about it I could see that many of them had the same kind of things that made me think I might have SAD in the first place, some of them say they feel things that I feel too. Im SAD free, but that doesnt mean Im not sad. I too have never had a girlfriend, but the reasons are probably several fold, first of all Im kind of a picky guy I guess, Im not turning down any dates or lays (never ahd one of those either Embarassed

) but if Im gonna get serious with a girl Im not gonna settle for someone I will end up hurting because I settled and something better came along (most people dont think this way and dont care to hurt someone), secondly I dont know many people and those that I do know are all married or hooked up and Im not into cheating or helping someone cheat (unlike many people) thirdly Im not an ugly fellow, but Im kinda skinny amd have skinny arms, many girls want a guy with big arms. Forth Im just not very successful when it comes to money, nice cars and good jobs, thats my fault because I didnt give a damn when I was in school.

But I will tell you one thing... its not because Im afraid to socialize, heck Ive asked several complete strangers if they would like to go out with me sometime.. of course none of them ever accepted for varying reasons, but it wasnt cause I was too shy to ask.

Heres a few tips for yall, and they sound easy yet when your in the SAD hole they feel unattainable I kno wbecause I felt like I was there once.

First and foremost...... WHO GIVES A F#@K WHAT THEY THINK OF YOU!?!?! Whether it be the opposite sex or the same sex your worried about, F#@K them! You aint living this life for them and if the wanna degrade or start something over it, they are the ones with aproblem NOT YOU!

Secondly..... This is tied to the first.... SOCIALIZE, act a goof, say that witty thing you are thinking. Even if it comes out all messed up and you have to explain what in the heck you were saying and why it had any relation to the conversation/situation at hand, it doesnt matter cause thats conversating.

Thirdly... just because youve never had a girlfriend or boyfriend doesnt automatically make you SAD, even if youve never asked someone out doesnt mean you have SAD. Could mean your picky like me, or know your chances are slim. Slim beats none anyday. Wink

And for you girls! Yall got it pretty easy (I know its not as easy as it seems to us guys, but I gotta play this role lol) go out on that date with the guy who asked you... even if you dont really think you like him (sorry I just wish all the ones i asked had done this lol) you can always change your minds later (either by liking him or telling him the date was a mistake) and discover your POWER! you are female! Even the toughest guy will almost always go out of his way to do whatever you want ( I swaer it works on me everytime regardless of looks). If you ask a guy out... OMG! you are the coolest girl in the world! You just saved us from having to try and ask you out!

Give it a try sometime, it just might make ya feel better about yourself.