Afraid of being in a relationship?

nimrodel

Sometimes I feel like I want one and other times, I think it's the last thing that I want. I was just wondering if anyone else is like this?

The pathetic thing is that when the opportunity comes up, I usually end up pushing the guy away and breaking everything off because I feel trapped and I'm positive I'll disappoint him or he'll be able to be happier with someone else. And when he finally does leave, I totally break down and can't stop thinking about him and wish he was back. Everyone around me is settling down and I have never felt so alone in my entire life. Do we really know what we want? Do people in relationships feel happy with the way things are or do they wish they were single? It's hard to achieve what you want in life when your wants keep changing. It's so frustrating!

Thelema · Expert User Joined: Jul 22, 2006 Posts: 839 Location: USA

My biggest fear about being in a relationship is that I won't make the girl happy. Sometimes I think of how loney I am and if I only had a girlfriend...other times I'm glad I have my time to myself and can do what I want....Then I run out of meaningless things to do and think of how I want a girlfriend again Laughing

I think that old saying "its better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all" is true and we just need to get our feet wet to get rid of the 'what if' kinds of questions.

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Hoosier · Newbie User Joined: Feb 13, 2007 Posts: 5 Location: USA

you are not the only one.. actually I thought I was the only one that felt this way.
my last successful relationship was 9 years ago. since then when I feel myself getting really attached I sabotage the relationship by finding things that I don't like about the person I'm with and literally picking them apart in my mind until I can justify backing out. I don't know if it the fear of accepting the feelings at the time, or realizing that there is the potential that someone else may end up depending on me.

Lately, my biggest cop-out for dating is "I can hardly take care of myself, what makes you think I can manage a relationship?" in reality I can for a while... until I panic.

FaymeLevy · Posted: Tue Feb 13, 2007 12:40 pm Post subject:

sometimes i think that the root of my depression is that i've never been in a "real" relationship; but the fact of the matter is, i know i would never be able to maintain one, and probably would get annoyed that they were always in my business; i like keeping secrets too much lol

worse yet, i have a tendency to keep 1 friend at any given time, they become my best/only friend, then...i do something stupid, like fall for them. lol or once, they fell for me, and it scared me to death lol

much to my suprise, i do get asked out a couple times a year; its so embarassing when i tell them that i cant because i have SA. the good news is, lately, people have been understanding, much more than when i was a teenager, so its not quite as hard.

boy im rambling again..sorry lol

Statie · Posted: Fri Feb 16, 2007 12:15 am Post subject:

I think that even though I dont think Ive eve been in love it is almost always better to have someone to share your life with then to obsess about it alone. The important thing is that you are together for the right reason. Not just because you are lonely and dont want to be alone, but because you enjoy eachothers company (and bodies).

The odds are that youll end up going your separate ways in the end, but so what? That just shows that you shouldnt take the relationship so seriously to begin with. In the worst case scenario, you learn a lot about yourself and what you want in a gf/bf. I have a lot better memories of things Ive done with old girlfriends then I do of sitting at home doing whatever.

I think you have to be comfortable with yourself before you can share your life with others. Dont be as secretive and introverted as I have been in the past, its not healthy. Get out there and screw up and learn and laugh along the way.

nimrodel · Posted: Fri Feb 16, 2007 12:23 am Post subject:

I totally agree. I think a person has to be comfortable with and accept themselves for who they are before they can be in a relationship. For me, it's just as Hoosier described it. It's like.. I project my own insecurities and faults on the other person and just end up.. almost hating them when it's really myself that I dislike. And it's just the idea of doing everything with only one person and.. it must get a bit monotonous and annoying after a while. Although maybe this means that I'm just not ready/mature enough and don't want it enough.

jennn · Newbie User Joined: Dec 01, 2006 Posts: 24

i'm having the same problem now too... i've never had a boyfriend and barely have dated but there's a guy who i'm seeing that keeps saying how he feels and I can't seem to reciprocate the right way. I'm sort of pushing him away even though i don't want to, and i'm afraid he'll get tired of it.

but when i try to be honest, i just get embarassed. i don't know what's wrong with me, or if i'm even capable of being in a relationship. sometimes i think it's too much trouble. maybe it's laziness?

LittleMissScareAll · Expert User Joined: Jun 15, 2005 Posts: 716 Location: Hell

I'm afraid of being hurt...therefore afraid of being in a relationship. Cause I always get hurt, especially the more I like somebody...the more I like them, the bigger chance they'll end up absolutely hating me.

eggbe4thechicken · Posted: Tue Feb 20, 2007 9:05 pm Post subject:

i'm 18 and i've never been asked out. i think that this may be partly what is causing my SA and therefore depression. I don't like what i see in the mirror, or my personality, so when i talk to guys i find it very difficult to make conversation because i'm really worried about saying something stupid, and boring, and also constantly wondering why they are talking to me, what is their motive, you know?
If ever a guy liked me, i have no idea how i would deal with that, no doubt it wouldn't last very long, especially not being able to have a conversation.

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of_darkness · Posted: Tue Feb 20, 2007 10:40 pm Post subject:

i'm afraid of just being clueless. i'd have no idea how to react to anything, or what to do next in a reltaionship, but till i've actually been in one, i'll never really know.

recently such a stupid unlucky thing happened to me, it was the closest i've ever got to being in a relationship so far (i'm 17). Me, my 2 closest friends (i can actually talk quite a bit more to them) and a girl (who one of them asked out..us too for some resason) went to see a film, etc. But a few days later i was told that she actually fancied me, so she got my email address and we talked quite a bit, i did actually think she was nice. If she was the one fancying me, and i thought she was pretty good loking too, it would have been such a good situation for me to be in, i knew it was too good to be true....
a bit later my other friend we went with told me he was going out with her, which was a bit blunt....so i just thought she'd forgotten about me or something, but about a week later, he actually told me she had mixed our names up when talking to the one she was originally supposed to be dating in the first place before this mess happened...i still don't know how i should have reacted, i managed to hide my emotions, now he thinks its fine, they're together now.

I just don't get how such a wrong thing can happen. I felt so good, like i'd actually done something right, but it just disappeared. instantly. I had no part in one sigle bit of that, i was basically walked straight over. i havent spoken to her since, i'm not sure i could..

has anything like that happened to any of you? i think i'm really not ready for a relationship, maybe that was just a lucky escape, i dunno. If i ever find a girl who really understands me...that'll be amazing.