Harming the ones you love

puddboy · Newbie User Joined: May 24, 2007 Posts: 3

Looking back, I've alwasy had this form of OCD to an extent, but it only got worse just over a year ago.

I have thoughts of harming to the ones I love, including my wife. I get so upset by the thoughts that pop in my head, I feel like such an awful person, but I worry that I'll actually carry the act out. I hate touching the knives in our house when we're both in the kitchen, because I think to myself, 'Oh my God, I could actually doing something horrible right now.' Of course I never do and the thought is so wretched but I'm afraid that one of these days I'll do it. I've mentioned this once to her and she freaked out, which is really frustrating because now I can't talk to her about it without her thinking something is terribly wrong with me and that she should fear for her safety. It's not just those thoughts, I get them all. Fear of being a pedophile, fear of hitting someone with my car. I'm terrified of jail so of course I think about things that would land me in jail and then I worry that I'll do them.

Other people have commented on this, but it is true that OCD latches on to whatever you value the most and tries to turn it against you. In the case of my wife, I love her to death yet I have these awful thoughts about her and not about a random friend.

Some days are better than others, but it's always there. It's the whole concept of free-will that I think OCDers struggle with. We have the free will to do so many things, both good and bad, yet we choose only to do certain things. If there are no boundries because of free will, what's stopping us from carrying out these acts? What if we lose whatever it is that stops us and do these awful things? The thought is that the act you despise but can't get out of your head will inevitably occur. You wrestle with yourself everyday about it, creating an ongoing torment.

My OCD occurs worst when I have a hangover. I've stopped drinking for periods of time, but it's still there, only not so bad as the day after I drank.

Anyways, writing this has been theraputic. I'd love to hear from anyone else who has similar thoughts.

DDaKidd · Newbie User Joined: Oct 04, 2006 Posts: 17

Hi puddboy.

This reminds me of those documentaries about little boys (or girls) hitting their brothers and sisters after watching a violent cartoon or tv series (Power Rangers as an example).

One of the best ways humans have of learning a new thing; is by first observing, then copying. It's something humans do during their whole lives, even subconsciously. Toddlers learn to walk this way.

This world is full of violence everywhere, and the problem you're having is that maybe you're watching too many violent films, reading too many violent books or watching the news too much (the war on Iraq isn't helping much).

This way, you're subconsciously learning new "fighting skills." Whenever you see something related to violence (eg. a knife), you subconsciously activate these violent thoughts, forcing you to act in an irrationally violent manner. When you start to think in a rationaly and conscious way of what you're about to do you start thinking "OMG, what am I doing?"

The truth is that you're the same person you've always been, and you're just "polluted" with all these violent images we're used to watching on TV.

Conclusion:

- What you have to do, is to avoid watching anything that is violent. It's best if you read the news online or in the newspaper than on TV, and avoid reading anything about the iraqi war (if possible).

- Watch comical and friendly movies and TV shows instead (eg. "Friends" it's one of my favourites) and read books that are more related to friendship, family and love.

- Whenever you're having violent thoughts; calm down and think rationally that you would never do that, that you love/like the person in font of you, and do the exact opposite (eg. kissing and hugging you wife Smile

).

Hope I've been helpful. Very Happy

See you later.

puddboy · Newbie User Joined: May 24, 2007 Posts: 3

Hey DDaKidd,
Thank you very much for your response. I agree with your point; avoiding the enablers (violent TV, etc) is something I've thought about doing but was never sure if they in fact contributed to my OCD thoughts. I now think they do.

I'm going to make more of an effort to avoid those triggers. Thanks again!

DDaKidd · Newbie User Joined: Oct 04, 2006 Posts: 17

Your welcome. Smile

Cheers!!

Musicocd · Newbie User Joined: May 16, 2007 Posts: 57

Personally, I don't think your thoughts have anything to do with watching violent programmes. Have you ever been to a doctor about the thoughts? It sounds to me as if you're describing something known as 'Pure O' ocd, where you get obsessive thoughts but no, or few, compulsions. I was having thoughts like these even before I'd ever watched a violent programme. I believe they are not copied from the world around us but come from within our own minds, our own creation of what we know will hurt other people.

Aoeu · Newbie User Joined: May 08, 2007 Posts: 12

xLingshenx · Newbie User Joined: Jun 11, 2007 Posts: 7

thequirkster · Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 10:11 pm Post subject:

First of all, these intrusive, violent thoughts are a very common OCD obsession. Through no fault of your own, you just have these thoughts. I get them too. It's normal for someone with OCD.

Secondly, the link between our "violent society" and violent intrusive thoughts is tenuous at best. Watching animated movies will NOT, and I'm absolutely confident about this, stop you from having violent thoughts.

From the doctors that I've seen and been treated by, they all agree that it is the fact that you find the thought so repulsive that causes you to obsess about it and have intrusive thoughts about it, not because you watched "Tango & Cash" last night. In fact, my CBT doctor remarked that if he were in a room of people who were all carrying knives, he would feel safest among those with OCD because the thought of acting on those violent intrusive thoughts is so repulsive and repugnant that they would never act on them. I believe this.

Don't worry. Violent, intrusive thoughts don't make you a murderer. They simply mean that you most likely suffer from OCD.

Also, one of the things I've learned from doing CBT is that avoidance is NOT an advisable way to deal with OCD. By going out of your way to avoid a certain situation, you are placing importance on the act itself. So, by not doing it, you are acknowledging that it's too hard to do, which simply feeds into you becoming more obsessed over it.

I don't propose to have all the answers. I've just been to alot of doctors. I, too, struggle with OCD and am unable to work because it. But with the right medication and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, I know that I can eventually lead a normal life. The OCD might never go away, but with the right treatment you can live with it.

I believe it can be done and so I'm trying my best. Good luck to you guys.

_________________
Quotes by Jack Handy

-"During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

The Quirkster -- Part-Time Shepherd, Full-Time HERO

msvelmalyn · Newbie User Joined: Jun 29, 2007 Posts: 1

I have been dealing with harm obsessions for about 3 years now. I had all the CBT and meds then I had my 5th child so I was weaned off everything. I have horrible images of killing all of my family. And it is the absolute worse when I am actually mad at my kids and the two thought processes actually collide. Because your kids can really make you want to go bezerk for real!!!
I read one of the emails to you and I actually stay away from violent news images because it triggers it for me too but I believe that the doctors and therapist that specialize in all of this will say to use it as something to desensitize yourself. To force yourself to watch it.
Your wife needs to be more understanding. Fortunately for me I have a flight Nurse at a major university that understands it very well and is my biggest biggest support ever! You need a safe person. Some one that can talk you through it to make you realize that it will be okay that you are a good person, safe and loving. Your wife would be most ideal but she needs to learn more about it. You should not be made to keep it all in from her that is not fair to you-for better or for worse. She needs to make herself available to you and help you but then she will need a place to unload it too. We all need that. We all need to unload in a healthy way. Try to find things to laugh about-I know its very hard. But try to laugh and laugh and laugh. It will let it go for awhile. And always ask God to grant you the graces for each day. Fortitude is built up in us I think. God bless you and hang in there. I absolutely know how rotten it can be at times. But remember not to get all down on yourself when it rears its ugly head. I have bouts every 2-3 months for a bout 3-7 days and then it disappears. Foind a therapist that specializes in it NOT just an regular psych that takes care of all anxietydisorders. Its not a mental illness it is an anxiety disorder. But we can get depressed by it which can be mental. Hang in there

Mondo · Newbie User Joined: Jun 17, 2007 Posts: 14

Wow the support here is great, this is what I like to see from a forum like this. Only a sufferer can relate to the pain you get from OCD symptoms and offer wisdom that works for them. I can relate, yet do don't have ocd. How i do relate is because I am an alcoholic and attend AA. The preimise of AA is one addict helping another, because like many other things only an addict/ alcholic can relate and gain the trust of another. The importance also is there is a program for change and the best teachers aren't the "paid ones" but fellow alcoholics, for they went through the same feelings, pain etc and found a way out.

So listen to the people who went through the same problem (and of course counsellers and specialists) and find the way out for you. With the insights, coping stragies and direction you can heal. And like you with my "noisy" head, I can't think my way into good thinking, only with the insights, coping stragies and direction can you.