My life is messed up and I think about suicide alot recently

Guest · Posted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 12:51 am Post subject:

MadCat I know how you feel!!! I'm 18 years old and live in the UK too.

MadCat · Posted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 10:25 pm Post subject:

Something bad has happened. I am about to give up everything in the next 5 minutes.

If I don't respond tomorrow then you know what has happened to me. I'm so upset right now.

Guest · Posted: Tue Feb 22, 2005 3:25 am Post subject:

keep holding on madcap better days are ahead

tommy_15 · Advanced User Joined: Nov 16, 2004 Posts: 351

madcat .. i hope i see you post again.

i have not read past the first page of this thread .. but here is my advice.

you will indeed go insane i think there is little doubt of this, if you dont change.

the whole attitude about hating everyone, and not wanting to be social, is the first thing that has to change. with a different attitude, you will gain the "want" to improve, and this is the first step.

little steps at a time mate .. you WILL get there. my girlfriend who is at about the same stage as me, or a little further progressed in her recovery of agoraphobia, told be about a lady she used to speak to online, here in australia. This lady was a prisoner in her own home for 8 years. One day, she went out to her mailbox. She was stoked. Going out to her mailbox was her biggest pride and achievment in 8 years. Now, she is out and about, she has a partime job, she has made some friends, and she looks forward to achieving more and more.

i was really bad at one stage aswell. not to your extreme, but i wasnt in a good way. i thought about killing myself all the time.

steps i took were very small. things like sleeping with my arms beside me, rather than covering my face so i could "hide". leaving the door of my bedroom open. Leaving the blinds open. Little things. Eventually my steps got bigger and bigger. Soon enough, stepping outside my front door wasnt something i thought about .. the anxiety associated with that disappeared, i thought it never would.

Now, im happy, confident, and im starting to get quite outgoing and adventurous.

Please remember, the thoughts you have now .. 95% of them are probably all wrong wrong wrong. your a depressed social phobic of high order, dont believe anything your brain tells you .. take our advice .. and please try and help yourself slowly.

MadCat · Posted: Tue Feb 22, 2005 5:16 pm Post subject:

Thanks for the post Tommy. Some good stuff has happened today.

But I must disagree on not listening to my mind. I have managed to control certain parts of my mind by kind of segmenting it. Without my mind, I am insane. A more realistic number for me would be 70% of my mind is wrong and 30% is right. I still have a HUGE portion intact but in a way overwhelmed with the other *wrong* parts.

My goal is simple- Recover to the point of taking care of myself. To clarify on things a bit more..

It's about trust with me. I don't hate people but don't trust them. I may of misleading some of you by accident in my earlier posts. I will ofcourse need to learn to accept people but the thing that is part of me is detecting someone that can't be trusted. Friends can be made, family can be made, but it's just an extra bit of work selecting the right people.

I never made any promises that I would be like everyone else, ebcause I'm SIMPLY not that. Blend in, live around them, survive amongst them..All those things I will learn to do, but I will not to be something I am not.

Think about it-

Some people takes meds to make them get through a situation. Are they really getting through it? Tough question there!

I don't like people and I don't hate them. If this was a religious topic you could consider me agnostic in this way.

The way society runs doesn't appeal to me. I'm not saying it's wrong, I am saying that it isn't something I will get all happy about being part of. I have some goals and I have another goal that can be reached by existing in the social world. My final goal can be fulfilled without intergrating myself fully into society.

It's very hard for people to understand me because I see things completely different most the time, but...there are many debates I could start that could be considered insanity which is universal in most of human society in general. I am making progress and feeling much better about myselfand other people.

I used to think it was hate but now I figured out the puzzle. It's clear now that it's trust and disinterest in those sort of HAPPY SOCIAL lifestyles which are so common.

Thanks for your concern Tommy, it's nice. And thanks for the story too, because if that was how she changed and is happy about then good.

One last thing.

Needs and wants. The wanting or not wanting issue is not something that will make me insane. Needs? perhaps.

But I think I already touched on that subject in this post.

PS. I've still int he really early stages of recovery but hey, it hasn't even started fully yet. Since this post I have had ups and downs, but I have gained knowledge about myself a hell of alot more. I'm already getting better and even though some of you may disagree on my way of thinking..Remember I could be posting exactly the same on the day I first came here. I'm starting to accept myself for being WORTH something. I had little or no self-esteem a few weeks ago and now I have a little bit more. I haven't taken anything too fast and I don't intend to.

To update on the situation:

a CPN is going to work on getting me out into society with cognitive therapy.

This may be short term and I may even have a job in the future. I'm going to settle down now because I think I am starting to take this too fast at this very moment. I am self-aware of everything I do whicih could be a + or a - depending on the situation.

One final edit.

tommy_15 · Advanced User Joined: Nov 16, 2004 Posts: 351

ok brother.

yes, you got one thing right ... you ARE worth something.

you have a mental illness. your still worth the same as anyone else. This isnt cliche mumbo jumbo MadCat. I came to feel this way from experience .. from going through it, and from getting to the point were i can see my 100% recovery close by.

Even when you better, there will always be people harder, more confident, and tougher than you. Dosnt mean they worth is higher ok. Also remember most of the feelings you have .. most people have aswell .. just in different extremes. Your not as different as you might think .. its just you mind and body take things to the extreme thats all.

The coolest thing iv learned over the last 6 months or so, is what i just wrote above. The most confident homeboys, the hottest, most outgoing chicks, most of them have normal things they deal with, normal feelings they deal with .. they are just better at dealing with them. They can relate perfectly to our sp issues .. i know that logically this is true .. but when you learn it practically though experience, it really hits home .. know what i mean ?? hope im not babbling .. just trying to let you know .. your not that different.

keep striving, and keep getting outside feedback .. you need that other perspective from people who have similar experiences, but have progressed in thier recovery.

MarCPatt · Posted: Wed Feb 23, 2005 3:52 am Post subject:

, I really do not have anything to say. I just enjoyed reading all the progress MadCat is having. Keep up the good work.

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Guest · Posted: Wed Feb 23, 2005 1:05 pm Post subject:

I think that those, or some of us who are cursed with disorders have a much more complex mind than others.. we have a tendency to dissect every thought and incident trying to make sense of it all or give it justification, purpose. Since we are sometimes unable to reach a concrete conclusion... we get confused, frustrated, maybe even angry, and just commit ourselves to solitude, resistance, or fear while constantly trying to reach conclusions, or reasons. Although, I am not stating this as fact because I am still dissecting it all.

But I think that could be part of what separates [us] from 'normal' society... 'they' don't analyze things quite so much or to the extent that we do... allowing their minds to some what more at ease, enabling them to conform together as the minority.

Maybe if there were more minds like [ours].. the tables were turned, then our particular characteristics would be the minority and what are presently considered as the normal sect would then be considered as the ones with disorders. Very Happy

imagine that...

Just some random thoughts.. maybe I should have started a new thread? There I go with the dissection again, it just never seems to stop... sigh

MadCat · Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 12:44 am Post subject:

Hi, sorry for the very long delay in updates. A lot has happened, including good and bad.

Seems that my original guess of having just depression and social phobia is small. There seems to be much more at work. I'm sure I do have social phobia, but also a personality disorder. LOL was labeled as having a psychotic illness by the head psychiatrist on the mental health team.

Anyway, I have started an online journal to try to get my feelings out and get a general idea of what my life is really like. Hopefully I can pass this information on, so basically instead of being put in a situation where I fear getting critism or hurt, I can type it without too much worry from negative things from other people.

Link at bottom of signature.

I will be concentrating on this because keeping updates on a forum is much harder. Even harder now that I am working on my little journal.

I don't think I will be posting here much because it's too much hard work now. SOrry for repeating myself.

I'm finding more out about myself every day.

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"Unreality can be as real as reality itself"