Do you ever avoid men or women you like?

bella1968 · Newbie User Joined: Nov 07, 2007 Posts: 18

I was just wondering if anyone gets anxious or too shy to approach or be around the opposite sex when very attracted to them?

If you know the person is interested in you romantically and wants your attention...is it better or worse...do you avoid them even more???

redneck · Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2007 10:57 pm Post subject:

I think it is typical behaviour among those shy/anxious people. Fear of attractive people, guys in authority or just people superior to them in some respect ( like more intelligent ones, more outgoing persons etc) which are perceived as some kind of "danger". To combat that "imaginary danger" we use different "safety behaviours". One of those behaviours is avoidance. All this stuff comes from low self-esteem which is mainly based on experiences in our lives, childhood or stressess we are exposed to or current difficulties we are going through. If you are really interested in that guy you are talking about in your posts so then initiative is on your side. Give it a go.I know it is gonna be difficult for you to arrange some interactions with him as you are shy person as well.To make matters worse,From the beginning of mankind, It was customary for men to make a first move towards women, to be a "hunter" ( anyway,do you have some experience with men?) Is he so unapproachable person that normal converstation with him is out of the question? Or eventually he might do fine with you if he would be exposed to that fear (your person in this case) more often so that debilitating anxiety would go away?! Yes, I think exposure is the key. P.s. He could be embarrassed to ask you out due to the fact that you work in the same company and his anxious anticipation of his perspective failure with you could put him off ( you know, people gossip etc). Generally,others opinions are very important for socially anxious people.
I wonder anyway if you are not going to run out of patience with him just to meet someone more confident and straightforward. Ok, good luck and report progress!

bella1968 · Newbie User Joined: Nov 07, 2007 Posts: 18

Thanks for your response Very Happy

Some days he is approachable....when he is having a good day or two. But i am limited to the time i can talk to him and sometimes he gives one or two word answers or an answer that seems rehearsed or even aloof. He laso looks at me alot..he thinks i don't notice but i do!!!!!

I've noticed on his good days he will be around me alot...talking to other people when i am there and he KNOWS i am looking. He seems to FIND people to talk to while i am in his presence. He stands in the same spot talking to the same person (a woman his moms age) every morning and looks at me, head bopping back and forth the entire time...looking to see if i am looking at him...he looks away of course over and over again and after a while i do too cuz i start feeling dumb about it...i feel like its a game OOOH YOUR LOOKING AT ME, SO I'LL KEEP LOOKING AT YOU! I don't look away right away anymore, i want him to KNOW i see what he is doing!!!

Also, he gets so overwhelmed that on somedays he is MIA for hours if not most of the day. But after he does that for a day sometimes two and i think all hope is gone then he starts the flirting and looking again and its as if he knew he could lose the connection if he doesn't TRY again. I always feel like he is trying with me...does that make sense???

Its only when he is having a good morning that is and can handle me being around him. Its his way of flirting i guess buts its the only way he seems to know how to flirt. If i approach to ask a question, i come up with some interesting ones sometimes...lol Laughing

he gets all serious and his face becomes frozen so it makes me nervous and i just tense up! ITS A VISCIOUS CYCLE!!!!!

He knows i like him so it makes it worse...he just can't seem to handle me at all sometimes..he apparently doesn't want anything serious in his life (i think he is VERY inexperienced) but then why act that way???

Any ideas - I don't want to give up Smile

Infected_Malignity · Advanced User Joined: Oct 17, 2007 Posts: 300

Yeah, every shy person does. You're not abnormal or anything Cool

. As for me, my heart flutters. Anytime I'm in a situation that makes me anxious, my heart just races. In a bad way. I with that thing would just quit it
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bella1968 · Newbie User Joined: Nov 07, 2007 Posts: 18

He was doing the avoidance thing BIG time today. He will walk by me a DOZEN or so times when i am standing outside my classroom (i work in a school) seemingly for no reason but not say anything to me...just look down or away when he walked by about over and over again but when i said hello to him he looked me straight in the eyes to say hello (very quietly) back but looked so sad and VERY nervous i wish i could just get him to be comfortable and not worry so much Sad

He just has such a hard time talking to me!!!

It really makes me sad cuz i don't think he wants to be this way!!!! He use to TRY to be around me more and be comfortable and sometimes even start conversation but you can tell it was killing him...he thn gave up trying and now i am so miserable cuz i don't want him to give up!!!!

rado31 · Expert User Joined: Sep 15, 2006 Posts: 654

is this scherzi a parte show, scuzi?

redneck · Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 4:02 pm Post subject:

Anyway, I thought that the strongest allure for women is confidence... Your case Bella give hopes to all of those males who are scared of their own shadows or down in the dumps for some reasons...
This common believe- "You have to be confident to attract women" can be questioned/challenged now and replaced with different, more up-to-date believe. Now wonder we cannot get girls if we think that confidence is a must.If You do not match your personal criteria or live up to your expectations about "perfect person" you should become so that you are not bother to find someone.That Problem with believes is that they are deep-rooted, developed through our lives and sometimes can be really difficult to challenge. But what I have learnt those beliefs we hold (whatever they are) are outdated and it is possible to change them. But, Of course it takes time and can be difficult..I am gonna work on it harder anyway and you Guys keep on fighting ! And I hoped you understand what my strung-out brain has just bred. Cheers

redneck · Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 4:07 pm Post subject:

bella1968 · Newbie User Joined: Nov 07, 2007 Posts: 18

Its kinda funny to me you say that cuz sometimes i wish i didn't like him this much!!!!

When i saw the EXTREME shyness in him and lack of self esteem and no experience with women (i'm guessing) i felt that there was a part of him that really wanted to get out and be confident and have the ability to talk to me and look at me for long periods of time...act the way he does with everyone else. I thought if i gave it time and we got to know one another it would change and he'd feel more confident but he just seems to be more preoccupied with where i am, what i'm doing and what he looks like.

It's when he is with other people smiling, laughing and joking that i thought i could get him comfortable with me cuz its ONLY ME he acts this way with!!!

But as time goes on i see i can't help him, i can't change him...he has to want to change himself and i don't think he can. I honestly think he's tormented by all this on some level.

Somedays he just looks so sad and it makes me feel sad and hopeless Sad

redneck · Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2007 2:24 pm Post subject:

So it's been a while since Bella post in here so I reckon she managed to pull that dude. Am I right, darling?