Tired of always screwing things up? Post here

roadkilldeadahead · Newbie User Joined: Dec 07, 2007 Posts: 22

Here is my delema, My name is Chris....I push everybody away..... I am going through a divorce (not my fault he cheated). Now i have a great guy named Robert. He is my world and i love him. Things r still new though and i'm scared im gonna push him away. I want to marry him. I find irrational reasons why it wouldnt work with him and play them out in my head over and over. He's too old.... or he wont be able to handle me.....ill screw up his life.....i know what i want and i want him. Evedently God wants me to have him too because he won't give me any warning or bad signs or anything for that matter. I just have this i owe it to myself to see where this is going to lead thing and then i can sabotage it and screw it up until he hates me. I can't help but feel this way like i will. How do you protect yourself from protecting yourself? If thats even possible.... how do you know what you want in the process, or is it that you want something anything to work and youll do anything to keep it? Then theres the question....will it hurt him in the process? Will i push him further away from the world? I mean the world to him he is madly in love with me. I want to keep that. But i can't force myself to have the passion for him as he does with me. Trust me there is passion. I have never been anybodys world before. Im sure the guy would take a bullet for me. Or..... am i just hormonal? I am 6 mo.s pregers. i swear the only reason i am crazy is because i make myself that way. I never just feel and not anylize. HELP>>>>>>>ME>>>>>>

EveM · Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 8:52 pm Post subject:

Well I would talk about it with him if you haven't already. I think if you tell him all that stuff like your scared you will try to push him away, then maybe you will be less likely to because he knows what you're like.. if you see what I mean?

Congrats on the baby by the way! Do you know if its a boy or girl yet?!

roadkilldeadahead · Newbie User Joined: Dec 07, 2007 Posts: 22

well i am having a girl, and robert dumped me, im absolutely positive he is with his ex wife. Its ok though, i talked to him about it and i got over it. I waited 6 days for him to call me and i called him more than 3 times a day and finally he answered and said quit f-ing calling my phone, then he hung up. I'm more pissed at the fact his ex wife keeps texting my neighbor korie, she is not even in this thing and i have never personally talked to his ex but she believes that korie is me because my phone was shut off and i called him on it a couple times. I have really just called him so much because he left something apparently valuable at the days inn in my town when we stayed there. They wont tell me what it is but they said they will throw it away on january 1st. I was kinda sure it was over after the third day. He looked me straight in the eye and told me he would never hurt me, i stupidly believed him. I know he will regret his decision as i am an awesome person who deserves a good man that is honest and respectfull. I just wish that he would realize his wife is just going to hurt him and move on, but hey.... everybodys gotta get laid sometime right? I have realized that i dont have an avoidant personality, i just am cautious because ive been hurt so much, rightfully so. Should Rob himself stumble on this, i have one thing to say you.......ooopss i forgot, have a nice life and if anything ruben should kick your a-s-s,

roadkilldeadahead · Newbie User Joined: Dec 07, 2007 Posts: 22

Dear Ruben,
I know you probably have read whats above this message. This is my own personal space to work out problems and think without anyone judging me. Its quite nice. So don't judge me. There are a few things you should know before you make your choice. To be honest..everyone wants a clean house, and i know i could currently have one but i just dont feel that my energy is put to good use when i clean it. Of course its sanitary and stuff always gets done within the week but thats really the reason for it. Its just not high on my priorities to have a spotless house. I'd rather play with the kids or make them do it. Witch is nice cuz they actually do clean the house for me. Next on the list. I have no problem with the way i dress, thats just you. I want to look and feel like i'm from arizona. Short skirts, tank tops, flip flops in the summer. The only things i would change right now about my self is my coat (which is disgusting) and i need to get my hair cut and dyed. I don't need a whole lot of fancy things to be happy. I will get new clothes when my kids have beds to sleep on and my kitchen has more than one fork (which i lost lmao). I have been without a car, cable, and occasionally a phone for the past 6 months. I have realized that people need to sacrifice for their dreams. One of the reasons i think you don't get very far is the second you get a stable income you go to stanleys get cable buy a new phone and eat out everyday. Where as i don't and usually have money. With or without you i will be living without luxuaries until i graduate because the money can be better spent. Oh yeah and i hate to tell you this but yeah the sex is ok but its still married sex and its too quick, thats why i get off so quick is your working it too fast. I enjoy married sex but id rather have sex thats not. but our physical limitations do play a role in our sex life. I have big manly grizly bear hands and you have barney hands. your as close to a hobbit as they come and i'm an amazon woman who could break your back. We probably arent going to ever have perfect sex. But it will get better when i get smaller and you can pose me like a gumby doll. you can barely grab my hip bones like you used to and ride me. I miss that. well right now my belly gets in the way too. Other than that... We will have what we both want as soon as we can get and afford it. I think you are lazy myself and want everything right now and don't know the meaning of patient perservearence. The only thing you have ever waited longer than a month for is a baby and your income tax refund. Not by choice though because you were forced. so trust me you have changed alot for the better, but in my opinion are not there yet. Oh yeah one more thing.... Your morals and values are not clearly defined and to be honest. I don't know what your capable of or if certain things came up which choice you would make. If you don't define them soon you will become set in your ways before you know it. If i promise something or say i'm going to do it. Weather i like it or not if people are counting on me i do it neways. Very few times have i had to back out for moral reasons. Your not horrible at it because sometimes you suprise me in how responsible you are with the kids and jens kids and pretty much everyone in the world but me. Evil or Very Mad

i just hope that the problems you have with me i can fix. I am working on forcing myself not to shut down and to tell you when i'm about to so you can do something about it before i do and leave you with no knowledge of why i am just a pissed of pouty chris who wont talk and shrugs off every issue and blames you for it. That was a big problem. I think i'm better with the dicipline with the kids than you are so ha...can't get me there. I would like a cleaner house. I do keep dishes and laundry up now. I do keep my house stocked with supplies now (like tp, dish soap, diapers wipes and pull ups) i have sytems in place for spills and laundry hampers. The kids know to put their coats on the couch and their shoes by the door and they put thier dishes in the sink. Even zoey picks up her toys. As do the boys. all their toys go in their spiderman tent. my room stays pretty clean because i put laundry up when i get home from doing it. I can see a big change from oologah in having my own place. My biggest issues right now is not cleaning my dishes after i rinse them off and taking the trash out because its cold and i'm lazy. Keeping my blanket and pillow off the couch when i'm not sleeping on it. But no bodys there to nag me about it or tell me what to do so it's kinda different. Ok now that you know what id like to change and what about you bothers me. Id like to tell you what i'm afraid of. I'm terrified of my obgyn and going there without you. Im scared of what ryan thinks of us and what he might tell jen. I scared of you leaving me for good. I want you so bad ruben. to kiss you to hug you. I miss the way you comforted me and looked at me when i cried. I miss you bossing me around and how annoyed you would get when i was being a dork. I miss how you would beg me for stuff till i gave in (every damm time). The way you held our babies and looked at me when i was in labor. Or the look on your face when you find out what were having. When you cried with me everytime i got an epidural. it made the pain go away. all those first baths with our kids that i missed because i wanted them to be a special thing just for you. I wanted to see it so bad...never told you that. How upset you were in april when i miscarried, I seen the look in your eyes and how bad you felt for us and even though it was me going through it you made losing a child together a part of you too. I miss the way we would sit on the couch and eat brownie alamodes until i felt sick just cuz they tasted so good. And even today you can still remember all my favorite foods and know what ill be like in every situation before i do. That is something only you can do because you truly love me. I never can predict you and to be honest, i don't want to. Id rather get the surprise of what would ruben do everytime something pops up. I mainly just want you to know. I love you, i am in love with you, i never stopped loving you. All the memories in the world wouldnt replace the fact that your a great person and i always will be amazed by you. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to get to a place when i don't need you, i want to need you. I want to show you how much i love you. Hold your hand, kiss you, buy you stuff outta the blue. Tease you with my camo skirt and don't worry ill buy another bra like that cuz i miss it too. i want to feel comfortable when we touch eachother and not tickle eachother all the time and if we were together i would work on figuring out what exactly you want as affection and how we should make love to enjoy every minute of it for the rest of our lives. And when the kids grow up, i want them to be pimp and suave like you. Please don't marry jen. I love you ruben and i want and need you back for the rest of my life. alright, the rest is up to you now. Who's it gonna be?.............Bye

roadkilldeadahead · Newbie User Joined: Dec 07, 2007 Posts: 22

For those of you folowing the story on other forums. He called me up at lunch and said he wanted jen. I was so crushed i havent stoped crying and the only time i'm sane is when he calls me so it wont show. I do love and miss him but i can't keep letting him hurt me. I can't stop wanting him. But i know what would happen if we got back together. He would either cheat or pry his way into my life without letting us slowly get comfortable and fall back in love. I don't think i want that. He has gone from someone who was a workaholic to a person who is addicted to his status and cable and house and bed and everything including her. He wont give up the comforts that i dont even have. then he expects me to give up stuff too. Which aint that hard cuz unlike him i fight for the ones i love. I Would do anything in the world for him and he doesnt believe that. Ok, this is how broke up with me......Im sorry but i dont think i will ever be able to give you what you want....... WOW...HOW HEART FELT....HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT? I NEVER EVEN TOLD YOU OR SHOWED YOU!!! anyways.... to those of you that know me. I would still take him back. I dont know why but i am a winner at a losing game . I may be in love with a man that will never want me or love me like i love him but at least i'm in love. He can't hurt me when im not there. I can't hurt him when hes not there. I feel like i'm trapped just as much as he does because he will never know how bad i want him. Its not selfish... hes my husband, thats how its supposed to be. I picked the man i wanted to spend the rest of my life with the day i married him. I don't know why he didnt make that choice with me. I thought he did. Thats what the whole i do thing is for. you say it and your bound to that other person for the rest of your life. Not until you don't feel happy anymore and decide to find someone better. Thats not how its works. I made my choice and when i told him to make his that meant you already have.....now just quit fooling around and actually live by it you big jerk not stay with her. Well i guess i have said enough. but for the record.... This is what i want. The truth. I want someone who loves me and only me for the rest of my natural born life. I want someone who knows what they said the day you marry someone. LOVE HONOR AND OBEY. don't worry yall, ill be ok, wiping my tears right now as i listen to our wedding song....love song by 311..... Ill keep everyone posted and thank you for your inspiring emails.

roadkilldeadahead · Newbie User Joined: Dec 07, 2007 Posts: 22

Last night i got so upset when he called i punched a wall and had to practically hang up on him because i was about to throw my phone. I am slowly working through things. I havent talked to him all day today. Its helps. Everytime i hear his voice i wanna cry. I wish sometimes i would have never given him the chance to come back in my life. Everytime i do the same problem comes up....he wont leave her. I am officailly done trying. I can't hurt myself anymore. Its not fair to me or Jen. To be honest it's not that i dont like her i just can't stand her right now because she reminds me of what she and him took away from me. I got so upset yesterday because i was reminded of when we had no gas and i had to heat up his bath when he got home then i had to sit on the toilet seat and talk to him about his day and make fun of him for having dingleberries. If it wasnt for that i would have made it through another day without crying. I haven't cried today. I have what i call torture therapy. I listen to all our old songs and look at pictures of us until i'm ok. Ive done it so many times cuz he keeps tring with me that i have it down to a science. i know this weekend i'll have a meltdown cuz my kids won't be there to keep me sane. Then about two weeks later of not talking to him and torturing myself i will be able to see his face without wanting to cry. Then about a month later i will stablize. I have never got past that because he tries it usually at that time. He will start missing me and being really nice then i will probably get lonely and horny we will have random sex and think about getting back together. Then he will chose jen again and the cycle repeats itsself. Not this time though. This time i will put a stop to it. If he so much as looks in my direction i will throw my phone at him and run. I'm not going to do it anymore. I don't need a man....i don't need him.....i only need me. He steals me everytime he steals my heart. Well i will prolly post tomarrow

roadkilldeadahead · Newbie User Joined: Dec 07, 2007 Posts: 22

Last night he threw a fit because a 3 yr old grabbed my phone when i wasn't looking. Its not my fault. Then he told his girlfriend slash fiancee slash personal jesus that i was controling and had control issues ......on the phone.....while i was listening....which i believe is pretty ironic considering i am holding a big secret that could destroy his life. If i didn't have control then i would just tell jen everything and if he didn't want me then he'd have nobody. He text me at 11:00pm last night about kids clothes. I got um to him cuz i know hes poor and can't afford more clothes and his balls are too small to ask me. Here we go in the cycle again folks...... Hes so mad at me because he can't chose me and he can't leave jen and he can't make a family work. Hes also mad because his life is alot harder and he has alot more responsibility then he did when he was with me. Hes got four families to deal with rather than two. He has to deal with two sets of finances instead of one. He has to deal with jason which probably secretly makes jen feel safe and all googly on ruben. Its just one big mess. Where as i have pretty much cut his mom out of my life and barely even deal with my own family because they are all goobers that barely want to deal with me. So i have a set budget, one set of finances, my kids and no spouse, no extra kids, no extra spouses. Nothing in compared to him. I enjoy my freedom. Although it does get lonely. I still think its better to have time to be alone them bombarded by people all the time. That man is so behind on dealing with what happened that he hasn't even forgiven me for leaving him. I know he cheated and don't get me wrong i had somethings to do with it. But i did not make the original choice. That was all him. I just hope that he can move on and so can i and i can get to like jen again because she really hasnt done barely anything to hurt me. She could have left him and didn't but how can i be mad at her for that? she is practically throwing herself in the pulpit and doing me a favor. Yes.... I could prolly spend the rest of my life with ruben and be perfectly happy but whats the point if he's not. He wears a ring now and i didn't put it on him so she can take it off for him not me thats not my job anymore. That is all till monday.....join us next time for are you smarter than my ex husband....... Cool

roadkilldeadahead · Newbie User Joined: Dec 07, 2007 Posts: 22

well, the sad thing is i still want him back. I have accepted that now. I don't know when i wont want him back. I really don't know why he thinks i'm mad at him...i'm not. I just don't understand why anyone would stay with someone they supposedly love for convience. He can't get what all he has right now on his own. That drives him insane so i guess you could say he is using her for her credit record and money. I can't stand the way he treats her....but i do understand that jen plays some of her own games too. One of these day they will both come clean and won't be able to stand eachother. I'm just waiting for it. I probably have slept with so many people now just by sleeping with my own husband. God knows who they all have slept with. Oh well.... I wish Ruben could see the look in his eyes when he sees me. He tries so hard to hide it. But i know he's in love with me. He constantly looks down and away. Like i don't matter. its such a bad front. Its probably in rebuttle for me looking at him with love in my eyes. I do have pretty eyes Shocked

. One of these days hes gonna see my belly and wish he was sleeping next to his unborn child and protecting it like a good daddy should. I am 31 wks pregnant today. Nxt week ill be 8 months pregnant. I could sit here and name everything i miss about being married but it wouldnt do any good. i met a guy but i'm not too sure about the whole thing because he lives in california. Hes really nice and everything ......maybe i'm adictted to ass holes. he is super funny and reminds me of where i really came from. but i still am a country girl and i want my kids to be brought up in the country. So i'm kinda guarded with the whole thing. anyways......... i hope i can get everything i want with college. I made the decision to move into my old home when i graduate. Which will be awesome. To have my life back....to have my stupid death ramp of a driveway back. I miss my house and i will do whatever it takes to get my life back. its a new goal of mine. I wanna have a beautiful christmas like the one i had when we were together and the kids to sleep in their old rooms. hopefully they replaced the carpet because their rooms were stank nasty when i left. i'm gonna keep my couch and my table and the stuff i aqire now so when i do move back it will be as it should be. It will feel like home but without my husband. which is ok. i guess i will have to deal with it. I even have my car picked out. A 2003 chevy trail blazer. Those things are sweet. They have a third row so i won't be a soccer mom and they sip gas. They are light but they don't look it. The boys will have seperate beds and zoey and whatever her name will have their own room. I will ofcourse be upstairs where i used to be. Wow i just now thought of that. Geeze. ive had alot of good memories up there. I remember sleeping with him that last time before i left. That was the last time i slept there. I remember feeling like it wasn't my spot anymore because at the time jen was sleeping with him. IN OUR BED!!. I always pictured the living room and the kids rooms before and even the kitchen. But never thought about how much pain is assciated with that room in paticular. I remember walking into the house and jen leaving and them sitting on the couch together holding hands. I acted numb but really i was so upset. That was the day i unformally met my replacement. even now i can't believe how much it still hurts to see them together. I know they have problems. But their together so they must not be that bad. I think me and rubens are less than jens. He just doesnt know how to love me anymore, He showed he did in kansas. It was awesome and i was me again. I don't know if me wanting my life back so bad is a way for me to start fresh and be comfortable or a way to hold on to the past.. Question

roadkilldeadahead · Newbie User Joined: Dec 07, 2007 Posts: 22

he is on the lease with jen but thats all i can tell you. If he were to stumble on this website then he would change some things so i couldnt get him for what im going to get him for. and that isnt something i'm willing to risk. Other than that i'm doing ok. Excellent now that i'm with the new news. And to think he thought he would get certain overnight visitation with the new baby. YEAH RIGHT! the oklahoma bar assotiation reccomends extended visitation for more than an hour unsupervised at 6months. ha ha ha . what a doofus

roadkilldeadahead · Newbie User Joined: Dec 07, 2007 Posts: 22

i am not sure whether or not to press charges on him for felony adultery. On one hand the money sounds nice for a new car or bed. On the other hand he might not even get any. Hmmmm. Should i even let him claim me for tax reasons? i'm just not sure. On the other hand i am still pissed and mad as hell at him for screwing up my life. He says it was my fault too but he changes his mind everyday, he denied calling me a bad mommy all the time. Which is stupid. The guy can't remember anything just like we were married. He said i put our kids in poverty when really we were living in it when we were married. He is so friken rediculous. I can't stand it. I wish he would just make up his mind. and quit being so mean all the time. I know i always want more out of him then he will give me. But he should still take full responsibility for what happened. I was sick which was no excuse but still.....HE CHEATED !!!! I didn't cheat. i never cheated and yet he blames the cheating on me!!! what the helll? Anyways i guess i will have to work to move on from that. I can't stand how he treats me and how he treats jen...the contrast is outrageous! she is a princess and i'm a tramp? he litterally called me a tramp yesterday. Shes the one who went out on her husband and i'm the tramp? I don't fricken think so!! Wow i never realized how much he got to me. I gotta knock it off. It says in the bible his own complacency will destroy him. Which is so true. I will graduate and have everything and he will be bitching over missed ambulances for the rest of his life because jen will never support him in his dreams like i would. Oh well....his choice i guess. Talk to ya tomarrow my favoite world