Now my condition is getting worse and I'm getting frustrated already!
I hate waking up in the morning dreading the day of my graduation!
Now I'm actually sick! I am having a sore throat and a headache because
of this STRESS!
And surprises of all surprises, my dad came home yesterday night
and the first thing that he uttered is my graduation! I know he's
just happy for me! but heck! I am now more pressured than ever!!!
He keeps on telling me that I can do it... that he believes in me...
that I am intelligent... heck! i am not a genius for goodness sake!
And when I say to him to stop having great expectations, he just
grins or laughs like it's some kind of a JOKE! Oh please! right now,
i just wanna cry!!!!!! I feel so helpless and trapped and... I don't know!
I can't even cry because they would be all confused and it feels like it's
stupid crying because I would feel more pathetic than ever!
Even our graduation practice makes my stomach roll over!!! This is crazy!!!
What about on the actual day of my graduation??!!! I might faint on
stage!!!! Will somebody do the honor of killing me right now?!!!!
Thanks God I'm feeling better now, although I am still anxious about my graduation. My anxiety is now basically focused on unecessary things to be worried about but it worries me because of my social anxiety.
(And I also feel stupid worrying these things but can't help it!)
Like for instance in our graduation practice:
- I am the first in our row so I am the one who
will lead the walking. (It gives me anxiety because
I am used to following behind)
- I have to walk on stage to
get my diploma! (I can't help being self conscious of the way I walk
since I will be on stage)
- After getting the diploma, I should stop at the center then
take a bow! (That was really horrendous for me that in our first practice, I was able to bow but I am looking on the floor and i walk too fast. One teacher even noticed it and called my attention! That was so embarassing! Fortunately, she's not on the mic! whew!...LOL!)
- I even had a close panic anxiety when the giving of special
awards were announced (I was really afraid that we will be
called individually and I have to walk alone on stage and in front of
many people! Fortunately, special awards are given with the diploma.)
Think about that! of the hundreds of students that are practicing
for that graduation, there is one poor lady who is making a big
deal of those things (and that is me). People might not notice that I
am nervous. But they don't know that my heart and my brain is all tensed up! I feel like an elementary student who needs to be more attentive and particular so that I could follow a very simple instruction!
Oh well, i've already accepted it! This is me, so i just have
to practice. Good thing is, i did improved. Now, I am able to face in front
while on stage and walk in moderate speed. Next practice, i will
try to smile while facing in front! LOL! this is really stupid!
Joined: Feb 27, 2008 Posts: 241 Location: Western Australia
Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 5:22 am Post subject:
It's always interesting to see people expressing their thoughts on these forums. Its not like you can express them anywhere else, so its always good to see. Kinda lets out some steam if you let your thoughts flow to the people who will understand your plight the most.
Its not like you can express them anywhere else, so its always good to see. Kinda lets out some steam if you let your thoughts flow to the people who will understand your plight the most.
Since I was a kid, I believed that I am the only member
of our family who has a shy personality. And i really
wondered how I became like this. I mean, I grew up surrounded
with confident people. Like for instance: my granny, she is so
popular in their province. My sister, she's always invited
to a party, to a gimmick, to organizations etc.
My mom, she's very active in Church activities, and my Dad,
since most of the time he is out of the country, I assume
that he has the guts enough to be able to work far, live far,
and mingle with people who have different cultures.
So they live that kind of life while I spend my days in
my room and in school.
But here's something new... One day at lunch, my granny
talked about my grandfather (he passed away a long time ago)
but i did not paid attention about their conversation
until my dad commented... "Yeah! He was really like that mom,
he doesn't know how to start a conversation"...
And so I thought... what the heck!... And so I asked
"Ummm... so granny, is grandfather a shy person?"
And granny said "Oh, you wouldn't imagine how shy
your grandfather was!" And so she talked about my
grandfather's shy moments... and i was so surprised
so i blurted "So that's why I am shy, I might have inherited
it from him!" but surprises of all surprises my Dad said
"You inherited it from me, first!"
Hahaha! how about that! Atleast now I don't feel left
alone! And in a way I could be able to blame them!
(Although i am still the one who has the responsibility
to my behaviors)
And I also asked my granny how Dad could become this
successful if he was that shy. Well... she said that
as soon as my Dad got his diploma, he had develop this
kind of drive and determination which brought him to his success.
I just wish that I could be like him someday.
PS I just find it so coincidential because I will
be graduating today!... And Oh! I did smile while
on stage at our graduation practice.
I know this topic is far from what this site is all about, but just now, I've
read a lot of things about arguments between God and religion.
You see I believe in God, but I am not for Religion. Yes, I still respect religion (It actually serves as a guide for wisdom and morality) but don't expect me to follow all the rituals that the Religion tells me to do. If I want to worship God, I will do it in my own personal way. But heck! Some people are just so close-minded. For them, not following all those rituals will make you a sinner or a shameful person! Does it mean that if i am not a member of their religion and I do this or don't do this, makes me a sinner? What the heck!
And another thing is that some people are so inclined with their religion that they don't even appreciate the other religion! it's not about Jesus, It's not about Allah or Yahweh or Buddha... it's about the philosophies within that religion that people should appreciate and live.
And if in some instance I question some of my religion's beliefs and rituals, why do people react in a way like, just asking or expressing your doubt makes it a horrible attitude? I mean, there is no perfect religion and man is a thinking being. Isn't it much better if you really know what you believe by asking questions than by just believing it because your religion tells you so.
I'm going to miss this site... You see, I'll have to stay in our school dorm for 1 month for our review. So it means, no tv's, no mp3's, no computer's, no mall-ing.... no leisure! It really sucks, but they say it's for my future. (whatever!)... Actually, I even asked permission from our school dean to allow me to stay at my home after the review, but she did not allow me... so I have no choice... Actually, after that bad news... I cried!... I cried my heart out in front of my parents and they we're all laughing at me at the same time. and yeah! I laughed too while crying... because i'm 21 years old, and I wept like a crybaby, just because I'll be away from our home and from my room for 1 month! I really felt sad and ridiculuos at that time. Good thing is, my parents are supportive... Anyway... even if you don't know me... all of you people became a part of my life! I'll miss you
April 12, 2008
1202
Today is our free day..... and just one week in that dorm is really a hell! I feel like a prison there whose main job is just to study study and study!!! and what really sucks is that our in-house review is extended up to 2 months!!! This is a sabotage!.... I don't hate studying but the idea of staying in a dorm and being obliged to have your review almost 24 hours a day for 2 months is a complete nonsense!... and what i hate most is my perfectionist, bookish, boring, and almost nerdy (if not really nerdy) bestfriend roommate who makes me feel guilty because she always has the drive to review and review!!!... while I am just sleeping! ... plus, my other close friends are just like her!!! .... Yeah! this is for my future... but c'mon! Do I really have to live for two months just facing a book and listening to lectures and eat and sleep? ... even my IPOD doesn't work for me now because I am so distracted with their nerdiness and OC-ness!!!! I can't even sleep well because the light is always on even at night!
Last edited by wingcharm on Tue Apr 15, 2008 5:13 am; edited 1 time in total
I'm supposed to be in school for the resume of our in-house review but
I decided to just go there tomorrow because I feel so tired now.... I just want to relax my mind and extend my resting days... but heck! My celfone keeps on ringing, my classmate is calling me and I don't wanna answer it! I'm afraid that they might convince me to go in school and would give me added guilt for skipping the review class which would probably change my mind of being absent today.... so there! But I'm getting pissed off with that phone, and I don't wanna turn it off to not make it so obvious that I don't wanna talk to them... but sheesh! It's starting to give me anxiety....
I know this is so immature of me.... but right now, I'm kind'a pissed off to my sister!
Maybe she just idolize me... or maybe she thinks I'm cool...
BUT WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO BECOME A COPY CAT? AND WHAT i HATE MOST IS THAT SHE SEEMS TO USE IT TO GET MORE ATTENTION TO PEOPLE.... just for example, right now my favorite color is ORANGE and now she likes ORANGE TOO!.... and the heck! NOW SHE'S TELLING PEOPLE THAT SHE LIKES "THIS KIND OF MUSIC".... but it's absolutely my KIND OF MUSIC!!! ... I mean, hey! I love it that she appreciates my "LIKES" BUT I JUST HOPE THAT SHE GIVES ME SOME CREDIT... like for example, "that compilation was collected by my sister.... or that picture was creatively edited by my sister...." I mean, I don't really need praises from people.... It's just that I sometimes feel that I am being used....
I would have understand it if she's a young teenager who just loves imitating their older sister... but heck! She'll be 20 this year and she should have her own style!
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