Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 2:28 pm Post subject: Severe eye-contact issue
hi everyone , i was just wondering does anyone have any tips or know any good books that can improve my eye-contact ? All my social anxiety resolves around this issue , in fact , this is what causes me to be anxious , i feel if i can sort this out , then there will be no reason for me to be anxious . I suffer from distorted thoughts like im making people feel uncomfortable because im giving them a strange look or an "evil eye" i suppose you could call it , i know some people said that staring in the mirror for a while can help or making eye contact directly with close family , i really believe i can overcome this in a matter of weeks because its all based on eye-contact , its been 7 years of this crap , my mam and dad had a joint 50th party last night and as usual i stayed at home and feel like a joke for doing that , having to make up excuses to everyone why i wasnt there , im 22 , thanks in advance , peace , Robbie
You need to focus on the conversation, on what the person is saying, on every word that comes out of their mouth and concentrate hard on relating what they are talking about to your own experience. This is what a "normal" person is doing. When they are having a conversation they are giving it their total concentration. When you focus, and focus completely, I guarantee you you will forget about the eye contact issue.
Last edited by tpdarlo on Mon Jun 30, 2008 2:33 pm; edited 1 time in total
thanks tpdarlo they are good tips but for me its basically eye contact from a bit of a distance and non-verbal eye-contact . Its like i cant keep eye-contact and the second i make it non-verbally , i almost always look away . Makes me feel like a bit of a freak , it feels like almost a reflex now to look away , i just cant get my head around it .
FreedomFighter, dude, that's exactly my problem too. I think most of my anxiety and nervousness comes from it. I can talk with people online so easily, but once I have to make eye contact with people I feel uneasy around everyone and it ruins conversations. I also have problems with eye contact when I pass people in the grocery store or whatever. I'm always wondering where I should look and for how long. It pisses me off! I told my therapist about this and he said he could help me find something that works for me. Dunno what he is gonna do, but I'm glad I told him. Tell me if you have any ideas? Are you going to therapy?
hi froghat , im not going to therapy , i wish i knew how to solve this , i know deep relaxed breathing can help me sometimes , please keep me posted if you find a way over this , peace , Robbie
Joined: Nov 28, 2004 Posts: 3 Location: United States of America
Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 4:26 am Post subject:
I have this same problem. It is root of my anxiety. I've developed strategies over the years where I position myself so that me and the other person are standing side-by-side instead of facing each other head on. When I am unable to do that, and must speak face-to-face, I've noticed that my eyes stare at the floor. I'll usually rest my chin on my palm and cover my mouth with my hands, and will shake my head up and down periodically so that they know I am listening. But every once and awhile my eyes will dart into theirs, and it seems to me that I give them a twisted look of anger and fear. What's worse is that I hold the image of their face and reaction in my mind and analyze it for a moment. And because I usually pause they can often read what I am doing. This has the effect, in addition to the distorted glance, of making the other person as uncomfortable as I am.
This has actually developed into a nasty habit. When anyone experiences any sort of emotion which contorts their face, the image of their face will remain in my head and I'll analyze their physiognomy. I often do it to my own reactions. If it is anything embarrassing it can keep me up at night.
As for solutions, I have none. I only have strategies. It's pathetic and has done demonstrable damage to my life via social, work, and family life. All the opportunity I've passed up and will avoid do has all revolved around communication. I've tried to overcome this flaw through some of the solutions above but none have worked completely.
Joined: May 22, 2008 Posts: 10 Location: Oklahoma City, OK
Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 11:03 am Post subject:
Wow guys, I never realized so many ppl share the same problems I have. I completely agree with staying focused on the conversation. Think I'm getting pretty good at that. My biggest problem is the random walk by, and not knowing if I should look em in the eye, or just keep walking. Usually I just turn my head, or act like I'm focused on something in front of me. So weird.
I have had this problem in the past. Always the amount of discomfort was proportional to the amount of discomfort I felt with that person, or rather, how worthless/guilty I felt at that time with that person.
So with my college tutor, it was horrible when he lectured in my face for five minutes at a time. I just had to look down, thinking at the time what a useless prat I was.
Yes, it's a bastard when someone is talking at you. My advice is: dont be spoken at. Talk back as well. When you do the talking, you are in control.
Other than that - avoid people who give you the willies.
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