Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2004 7:03 pm Post subject: Compatability between shy people
Greetings to all!
I have always been extremely shy, demonstrating many of the symptoms of social phobia. For some time I even used Paxil, although the only palpable effect was an upset stomach. More recently, I have been able to overcome some of my anxiety but I still feel very much blocked when approaching interesting women. I have come into contact with a woman which I find very attractive but who also demonstrates an extreme shyness (even by female standards, female shyness is much more accepted than male shyness in conservative societies such as that which exists where I live). I would like to ask for opinions, from the experiences of others on this forum, if I should attempt to persue this relationship, and especially I would pose the question as to whether two people with this characteristic (extreme shyness/anxiety) would be happy together or whether I should attempt to establish relationships with more extroverted women. One should note that Social Phobia can be interpreted as an "unmanly" personality trait and this has hindered my success with women in the past.
Joined: Mar 03, 2004 Posts: 267 Location: United States of America
Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2004 8:13 pm Post subject:
Contemplativo,
Your question is a very personal one ("Whether it is better to date a person who is shy or not."). I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. You just have to find out for yourself because ultimately you're the one in the relationship.
However, I would like to date women that are more outgoing than myself. One reason is that I really don't do anything if I am left to myself. I just sit around watching TV or just do homework. I would like to see the world in a different way. I'm hoping that this woman might open up options.
Just remember, this is your relationship. Go for what you want and need. Just because she is shy when you are around doesn't mean that she is socially phobic either. She maybe just shy around you! Even if she is socially phobic, then you both can share your feelings about it. It is great to have someone to love you and to also understand how you feel.
So, I say. "Go For It!" It may be good for you and her. Good Luck.
I know that this decision is very personal but I have been having many doubts, perhaps as a result of my own inexperience, as to whether I should invest energy in persuing this further or whether it will only lead to more frustration and aggrevate my shyness and anxiety. The woman in question is not stuningly beautiful but attractive in a very traditional way. She has aroused the interest of some of my co-workers who are not at all shy (and thus easily aroused by anything nominally female) and I feel some disadvantage in relation to them. This feeling of inferiority and inadequacy tends to further my depressive tendencies.
Nevertheless, and despite the ocasional smile and laugh at my cheesy jokes/stories/commentaries told in a group setting, she remains as icy as a diamond. Perhaps my own socially phobic tendencies predispose me to spending too much time thinking about her and reflecting on my own inadequacies when approaching women. She is very feminine and I have fears that my behaviour is interpreted by her as being less "manlike" than that of my extroverted and obnoxious peers. On the other hand, she is the first person I have encountered who obviously has social phobia tendencies similar to my own and therefore I feel a strong need to communicate with her. I have a feeling that we have much in common and could really communicate on the same wavelength if only I was able to overcome my anxiety and speak to her privately about my thoughts....
Joined: Mar 03, 2004 Posts: 267 Location: United States of America
Posted: Thu Jun 10, 2004 1:37 am Post subject:
Contemplativo,
Yeah, I understand. I'm working on the same kind of problem. I can't seem to talk when I'm around women I'm attracted to (i.e., physically or personality wise). There is this woman Melyssa that I have been trying to get to know better but I'm stuck (I haven't seen her in a while.).
You know what is really funny. When I talk to my other guys (who I think are normal), they say they feel 'the same way." I bet the do feel the same type of anxiety but because I have social phobia I bet I just am more aware of it or focus on it more than they do.
As for the question of if persuing a relationship will cause you more problems, I say that it will. I see normal people fight and get their feelings hurt. That's the whole part of being in a relationship in the first place. People put up with the pain (i.e., being rejected, getting into fights, having misunderstandings, dealing jealousy) to enjoy the benefits (i.e., love, caring for one another.) I guess it is like "No pain, no gain." That's what everyone says and I stay optimistic that it is true. I only say this to convice myself that my first relationship will not be a fairy-tale. I don't want to put up unreal expectations. Relationships are difficult.
Good luck. We're in the same boat, drifting in the same ocean. And if you should fall out of the boat, just pick yourself up and get back in it.
You said: "When I talk to my other guys (who I think are normal), they say they feel the same way. I bet the do feel the same type of anxiety but because I have social phobia I bet I just am more aware of it or focus on it more than they do. "
I am convinced that one of the main differences between people with SA and normal people are that people with SA think they have SA, and normal people think they are normal. They often experience the same emotions -- it's just that people with SA give themselves a label and focus on their feelings while "normal" people do not give themselves a label and focus on the world outside their feelings.
The label "Social Anxiety Disorder" is a disaster because the feeling is not permanent but is if you believe it is. We are all people with neurotic beliefs and behaviors that can be resolved with work.
As for the question at hand, I would say: Become friends with women with inhibitions and find out what their inhibitions are. It can be very useful to talk through these things with other people who experience like feelings. Don't focus on a "romantic" relationship - this is artificial, unnatural, and will likely just raise your anxiety level.
I also agree that people like us with distorted understandings of social risks and personal resources for dealing with bad events should date people who bring different perspectives.
I am convinced that one of the main differences between people with SA and normal people are that people with SA think they have SA, and normal people think they are normal. They often experience the same emotions -- it's just that people with SA give themselves a label and focus on their feelings while "normal" people do not give themselves a label and focus on the world outside their feelings.
I agree, if one becomes obcessed with their perceived problem they end up blowing it way out of proportion and can never correct it. However, I lived for many years as a very shy person and believed that this shyness was something unnatural and that people around me considered me some kind of freak. When I finally sought some help I was alerted to the fact that anxiety and social phobia are well characterized disorders that can be overcome to some extent.
Quote:
Don't focus on a "romantic" relationship - this is artificial, unnatural, and will likely just raise your anxiety level.
I am now more outgoing than I was in the past and I have been able to climb down from the "ivory tower" in which I was hiding all these years. I have a close circle of peers (male and female) with which I maintain a friendly, although sometimes distant, relationship. My main obstacle is now in the field of approaching women for romantic envolvement. This is now (in my somewhat obcessive self-analysis) the main stumbling block which separates myself from a full social existance. I am saddened by the perspective of living a lonely life and dying like one of those sad lonely old men who have only been with women in brothels, etc. Perhaps establishing a succesful relationship would help me overcome other aspects of my shyness...
P.S.: I hope that I am not boring you with my personal dilemmas. My main purpose for posting here is to communicate and learn from the experiences of others with similar problems with which I can speak openly and without fear of being labelled a "freak".
Joined: Mar 03, 2004 Posts: 267 Location: United States of America
Posted: Fri Jun 11, 2004 2:42 am Post subject:
Silver and Gold,
You said: "Don't focus on a "romantic" relationship - this is artificial, unnatural, and will likely just raise your anxiety level."
I agree very much with this statement. The more that I think that Melyssa will be the 'solution' that will cure my shyness, the more I get frightened that rejection will be 'more than I can stand." It is so weird because I like to depend on other people to make decisions for me. It is hard for me to take responsibility for my own life, to make decisions on my own. However, I fall into the trap of making friends with all the women I feel attracted too. That's not good either. I mean when will I ever get into a serious relationship? When can I trust a woman at an intimate level?
Joined: Mar 03, 2004 Posts: 267 Location: United States of America
Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2004 5:10 pm Post subject:
Hi, Contemplativo and Silver-and-Gold!
I just wanted to know how you are doing with the relationships? Are you closer? I'm not....I'm working a lot (school work) and procrastinating (by staying here typing out responses to posts!) I hope things are going well. Keep me informed......We'll try to encourage each other to move on and fight this SP.....Cause that's what we want, Right?
Posted: Thu Jun 24, 2004 10:02 pm Post subject: compatible shy people
You asked if two shy people can have a relationship. Well, my husband and I both have SA and we have known each other for 31 years and married for 28 very happily. So don't give up!
Joined: Mar 03, 2004 Posts: 267 Location: United States of America
Posted: Fri Jun 25, 2004 5:30 am Post subject:
Ann,
Thanks for the encouragement! You are an oasis in this sad pathetic desert, called "MY LOVELife". (LOL). I'm glad you and your husband found each other!
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Even if she is socially phobic, then you both can share your feelings about it. It is great to have someone to love you and to also understand how you feel.
