my (lame) story

just some guy · Guest

I thought it could be a good idea to share my personal experience of the *cursed* disease that is social phobia, while remaining incognito on the internet and talking to an audience that will be able to understand the problem. Maybe it will do me some good.

Mommy has the worst case ever of Borderline Personality Disorder (now I know it) which means that she would scream (I'll censor the full description of the process) at little me for outrageous offenses such as forgetting to wash the dishes, leaving the bathroom towell on the wrong spot by accident or stuff like that. She was absolutely unable to take care of herself on her own, and since dad couldn't cope with it and chose to remain on his job from 6:00 to 23:00 in order to escape the living hell at home, the responsibility for her lied in my poor young hands. She threatened "suicide" all the time and I was forced to "save" her from a number of situations. Most important of all, mom can't stand the thought of being abandoned, so she's made sure that I would never be able to do that. Any attempt at showing initiative, like "mom I'm going out with a friend, OK?" had the usual result of initiating the outsanding wave of insults and threats. I hated her, but couldn't leave her side.

It began to tell quite early, since I developed Tourette's syndrome (generalized tic disorder) while still a kid. Somehow I managed to get completely rid of it, but it was soon replaced by something nastier. I did think it was weird that I had to check my wallet 20 times to make sure it was empty while I knew it was, or repeating my list of "things to do" hundreds of times a day to make sure I wouldn't forget anything, which as it is was quite unlikely, or turn the light on and off several times in order to make sure it was off (heh). Hundreds of other rituals and obsessions began to appear, and I had developed Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Which, unfortunately, is not my major trouble.

I'm now 21 and I've never had a girlfriend. I literally run away from girls. When I see one on the street, especially if she looks attractive, I switch to the opposite walkway. When there's one on the bus stop, I walk until the next stop. I don't think I've ever stared at a girl I considered cute for more than a second or so. I have this deep fear of somehow offending them, and that they'll be angry at me. I wonder where did that came from... I'm attending college, but that's a nightmare for me. I can't relate to other people, I run away from the class every time there's some kind of collective activity or I can sense the terrible possibility of speaking in public looming close. I'm forced to study hard to have good grades on my exams, because I collect lots of zeroes from the group activities I'm absent from.

I'm currently trying to build up courage to see a psychiatrist, something that is obviously quite challenging for me. Lots of research about the fascinating subject of psychology have made me realize exactly what my problems are, and it seems that taking medicine is quite effective for people like this, with a history of several disorders caused by anxiety. Hopefully I'll manage to get around it Very Happy

Thanks for listening, I hope this wasn't too lame.

just some guy · Guest

That was supposed to be posted here. Oh my, I seem to still be recovering from the "effort".

"I went to the shrink (hurrah!). I almost had a nervous breakdown while trying to talk to her, but in the end managed to stutter something out, and she didn't took long to realize what the problem was, of course (heh). She gave me Fluvoxamine. I'm taking the first pill tonight.

To all those who read this, thank you. Whether you know it or not, you did help me. Thanks. Thanks. (OCD thanks)."

LilMissTragic · Expert User Joined: Sep 05, 2004 Posts: 803

Wow, with a story like that behind ya you should be a writer. Sorry ya had sucha crappy time but I'm glad to hear you have finally gone for help. first step in a long line of steps but at least you were brave enough to do it. WELDONE YOU!!!

LilMissTragic · Expert User Joined: Sep 05, 2004 Posts: 803

and by the way...your in no way lame ok Smile

just some guy · Guest

Thinking:

""Oh great, I'm so proud. She's said I should be a writter! My english must have improved then, since it's not my native language. Good, but let's take care, otherwise I might become similar to that disgusting *two words* guy... (no chance, really)""

LilMissTragic · Expert User Joined: Sep 05, 2004 Posts: 803

hey your english might not be that great but your life story is..lol.
And if you become like twowords...permission to come to your house and slap ya...lol

just some guy · Guest

Granted.

Sebastian · Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2004 2:37 pm Post subject:

my mother went through a similar stage when she had depression. It wasn't as bad as your mother's condition and it didn't last long, but it affected me a great deal. Your life must have been really difficult.

Guest · Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 4:49 am Post subject:

Just read your story AFTER responding to your ocd post. Laughing

Amazing! And you are a good writer. What the heck is all this we have to put up with huh. Well, im just gonna quit for now but wanted to tell you 2ce (at least..ocd thing ya know), that im real proud of you for going in for help. I also think proudly of you for writing on here. I was way to scared for a long time. Glad to see ya got a friend in lilmstragic too! Im feeling smiles..

introvert · Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 9:26 am Post subject:

hey just some guy, im 20 - never had a gf too, so I guess we're not alone here! That isn't an excuse to not try though..! I have never even kissed a girl, and basically had 1 date so far (double date) and it didnt go well, cause I think they thought I was boring or stuck up or something (probably because I just walked around and didn't say a word, while my friend did all the talking to both the girls).

Lately I've been forcing myself to go to nightclubs (been 2x in the last 2 weeks), the second was on Friday. Unfortunately I have to always rely on some alcholol. The first time around 4-5 beers. The second time I was trying desperately not to drink, went in there and stood around feeling really akward. Then I just said to myself I'm not kidding anyone this isn't going to work, and ended up having 2 beers. I guess 2 isn't such a bad number. Since I don't have a lot of friends I had to go there alone... even for a popular person this can be described as a "nightmare" so I won't go into it lol. After feeling really stupid for around an hour (and soaking myself with sweat), a group of three single girls joined in with me. This is where I got "stuck". I didn't know what to do, how to handle them, all I could manage were weak replies to their questions, and when one of them started getting close i just felt really wierd (i'm not gay! lol). Ok, so i've accepted that SP is going to hinder me, but even after a "techincal success" (meeting some girls), it just continues - when will it stop!? I made some weak excuse to get out of there, and felt real bad 'cause I knew I had in fact done what I had been fearing would be done to me - rejected them.

Any advice ppl about fearing "getting close" to females? I wouldn't dare ever bring up the topic with my therapist. And what can I do about the "they are just fronting, pretending to be interested" thoughts??