Joined: Feb 16, 2006 Posts: 680 Location: Where polar bears are supposed to live...hey I haven't seen one!
Posted: Thu Nov 30, 2006 7:58 pm Post subject:
Yup, this thing has happened to me too recently. Just the other way around...I was the rejecter. He said he thought maybe i was starting to get feelings for him as well, which I don't get as I was just being a friend. The worst part though is having to tell him that I don't want to be anything more than friends, cause I know how much it probably hurts him...
_________________ Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see. -C.S Lewis
It's a bit unfair in my opinion to pretend one "just wants to be friends" with somebody whom one knows holds deeper feelings, as by saying that you implicitly seek to keep a relation alive in which you keep for yourself a position of rather unfair advantage over the other person, be it a guy or (slightly less common) a girl. A simple plain rejection would often do much less damage in my opinion.
But hey... everybody likes to be loved "for free", so there is not much to do about it really Not judging anybody here btw..
_________________ I died and I reincarnated in myself again.
I agree with Quixote. Or sometimes people are too shy to give a plain simple rejection. The best thing for both individuals, I think, is to accept the 'friends' thing as a flat-out rejection and start searching again, however shallow or rude it may initially seem.
Joined: Feb 16, 2006 Posts: 680 Location: Where polar bears are supposed to live...hey I haven't seen one!
Posted: Sat Dec 02, 2006 4:46 pm Post subject:
Quixote wrote:
It's a bit unfair in my opinion to pretend one "just wants to be friends" with somebody whom one knows holds deeper feelings, as by saying that you implicitly seek to keep a relation alive in which you keep for yourself a position of rather unfair advantage over the other person, be it a guy or (slightly less common) a girl. A simple plain rejection would often do much less damage in my opinion.
But hey... everybody likes to be loved "for free", so there is not much to do about it really Not judging anybody here btw..
I don't understand this Quixote, at all! Do you think I am saying to this guy that I just want to be friends just in order to be "loved" for free? You make it sound like I am holding on to the friendship because I feel I have something to gain by doing so. That sounds really selfish doesn't it and it upsets me to hear you say that. As if I was only occupied about my own happiness. Maybe you were not trying to judge anyone, but yet you did. I actually told him that either just friends or nothing at all. It was his choice to make, and I would feel extremely cruel to all of the sudden totally ignore him! You would need a heart made out of stone to be able to just cut the rope like that, and I guess I don't posess one...
_________________ Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see. -C.S Lewis
I don't understand this Quixote, at all! Do you think I am saying to this guy that I just want to be friends just in order to be "loved" for free? You make it sound like I am holding on to the friendship because I feel I have something to gain by doing so. That sounds really selfish doesn't it
Well mine was intended as a general remark, not specifically directed at you in special, and if you read what I wrote again you will see that I did not mean to say that people, least of all yourself, consciously and systematically seek to exploit others' feelings to their advantage.. However, when such a situation naturally occurs, it usually happens that the "loved one", sensing instinctively to be in a position of advantage, has no incentive to make a strong move towards ending the relationship, since after all there is no disadvantage to him/her. Instead of saying a clear "no", one often makes a counter offer of friendship, mainly because it is a polite phrasing as Colin rightly pointed out, but also perhaps because it is quite pleasant and convenient after all to get love for the price of friendship. Selfish? Yes a little, that's why I said it seemed unfair to me, but a (moderate) degree of selfishness is part of human nature, and it would simply be hypocritical to say otherwise.
Besides, I wouldn't be any less "selfish" myself most likely, so again I really wasn't judging anyone.
_________________ I died and I reincarnated in myself again.
"They need to have good taste in music ... and shoes. They have to have the whole package, and they rarely do."
"A lot of my single girlfriends are really beautiful, intelligent girls, nothing wrong with them. But they just can't find a man. [The men are] all taken or else total geeks."
She sounds totally shallow, but I wonder how many women actually think like this? That last sentence definitely explains my single status (being a total geek and all...!)
"They need to have good taste in music ... and shoes. They have to have the whole package, and they rarely do."
"A lot of my single girlfriends are really beautiful, intelligent girls, nothing wrong with them. But they just can't find a man. [The men are] all taken or else total geeks."
She sounds totally shallow, but I wonder how many women actually think like this? That last sentence definitely explains my single status (being a total geek and all...!)
yeah I read that article. It is however about New Zealand chicks. And to be perfectly honest I think the article DOES reflect the attitude of 95% of New Zealand single women.
They are so very eager to complain about how men are bastards, how men arent this and aren't that. Yet they have their sights set on 10% of the male population, scarcely giving the rest a glance. Perhaps if they stopped being so attracted to bastards and gave the nice guys a go then they may in fact be happier?
Im torn between becoming a bastard so I can score a chick or staying a nice guy and perfecting the art of singledom
Joined: Feb 16, 2006 Posts: 680 Location: Where polar bears are supposed to live...hey I haven't seen one!
Posted: Sun Dec 03, 2006 11:12 am Post subject:
Quixote wrote:
Well mine was intended as a general remark, not specifically directed at you in special, and if you read what I wrote again you will see that I did not mean to say that people, least of all yourself, consciously and systematically seek to exploit others' feelings to their advantage.. However, when such a situation naturally occurs, it usually happens that the "loved one", sensing instinctively to be in a position of advantage, has no incentive to make a strong move towards ending the relationship, since after all there is no disadvantage to him/her. Instead of saying a clear "no", one often makes a counter offer of friendship, mainly because it is a polite phrasing as Colin rightly pointed out, but also perhaps because it is quite pleasant and convenient after all to get love for the price of friendship. Selfish? Yes a little, that's why I said it seemed unfair to me, but a (moderate) degree of selfishness is part of human nature, and it would simply be hypocritical to say otherwise.
Besides, I wouldn't be any less "selfish" myself most likely, so again I really wasn't judging anyone.
Well I can not speak for every girl or guy for that matter, but I can speak for myself and this explanation of yours just doesn't fit the way I experience it. I mean how can I enjoy feeling loved by another person when I know how much it pains him that I can not return his feelings? If I knew he was perfectly alright with being "rejected" it might have been another story,but as you probably understand that is just not the case.
However if I knew it would help him more to end our friendship for good, I would not hesitate doing so for even a second! Even if it meant me loosing a good friend. Because the fear of having to go through this process once again in the future is after all quite challenging. Being rejected must be terrible and that is the very reason why being the rejecter is plain out awful as well with no advantage added! That is at least how I feel about this matter...
_________________ Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see. -C.S Lewis
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Not judging anybody here btw..
