Hi everyone, help me please

mylifesucks · Newbie User Joined: Feb 17, 2007 Posts: 21

Hello, I have many problems. I posted this on another forum, but didn't get very much help. Maybe someone here can relate and give me some advice. Sorry for the crappy intro.

Please don’t let the length of this thing scare you off. My life is terrible and I don't feel like anybody else is even close to being like me. There is me then there are all of you. Anyway, here's a quick summary of my crappy life:

All my life until about half way through high school I had a 4.0 grade point average. I never had many friends except for when I was in elementary school. It's not that I didn't want friends, it just never really happened. I’m not good at striking up conversations and I hate meeting new people. So all through high school, I didn't have any real friends (this includes not having a girl friend). I started working half way through high school and the only time I really made friends was at work. My coworkers were also high school students, but went to different high schools than me. I had people I talked to at school on a daily basis and some times hung out with at school. But I never had any friends from school that I hung out with outside of school. I’ve never really had a single “friend” for more than 2 years.

When I started high school my dad got married, and I acquired a new step brother. After about 2 years we were really good friends, even though we were complete
opposites. He was a terrible student, he smoked, he had a lot of friends, and did everything most rebellious teens did. Even though he had so many friends, he for some reason thought I was cool to hang out with. I drank with him for the first time, went to my first party with him, and did other things I had never done before. He actually wanted to introduce me to his friends. He knew I had never had a girl friend, so he was always trying to help me out and even introduce me to some. It never did work out.

In high school my grades started to go down. I wasn't partying all the time, but for some reason lost all motivation. Maybe it was because I actually I had things to do in my free time and I had a car. I did graduate high school and I still went to college like I planned at a local university. I am actually still enrolled and have about 1 year to go.

About two years ago, my stepbrother died suddenly and unexpectedly after he was misdiagnosed by a doctor. Since then I have started to go back to how I use to be. I don't have 1 real friend. And by that I mean I haven't hung out with anybody in over half a year. There isn't anybody I talk to on a weekly basis. I have 300 minutes on my cell phone plan per month and it's the only phone I use. Needless to say, I haven't even come close to going over on minutes. I call people when I'm lonely sometimes (although I don’t tell them that) and they say they want to hang out, but we never do. They say they'll call me back, but never do. Some times people will call me, very rarely, but it's usually just to say hi or more likely because they want something or need help (I'm somewhat smart, especially regarding anything related to computers).

After my stepbrother died, I took a year off of school and worked an normal Monday through Friday, 8AM to 5PM job. After realizing how terrible that was, I landed a job where I made more and only worked Saturday through Monday. This way I could go back to school. I was motivated to finish school more than ever, so I didn’t end up in some dead end crappy job. So last semester I was back in school. However, my loneliness is affecting my focus on school.

About 2 months ago, I finally moved out of my parents’ house (I'm 22 now). I live alone and I thought that since I lived alone and live closer to the university and downtown, I would make friends and have more visitors. It turns out that I've only had 2 "friends" over when I first moved in. Nobody visits me. In my current job I work alone in an office all night. I do see people, but haven’t made any friends yet.

I think about suicide every day although I'm not really serious about it. I don't know why I think about it so much, if I know I'm not going to do it.

I do drink alcohol and mostly alone. This isn't because I want to drink alone, but it's because I have nobody to drink with. I usually don't drink more than once a week, although I haven't drank in a while, because I go to school full time and have a full time job.

Before my stepbrother died, whenever I needed someone to go to lunch with, someone to drink with, someone to go 4-wheeling with, or someone just to talk to, he was always there.

Anyway, that’s my very shortened life story.

Here are some other problems I have:

I get nervous around a lot of people, especially at school. It seems like everyone is giving me weird looks (I’m a pretty normal looking guy). I’m also afraid I’m going to do something like trip or I’m afraid that people are looking at me for a reason. Like I have shaving cream on me or something. I don’t like sitting next to people in class. I feel more comfortable sitting at the back of a classroom, because if I’m in the front I feel everyone is starring at me. If I’m in the back, I can see if people are looking at me. I don’t like answering questions the teacher asks, unless it’s a really small class.

When I am in public with “friends” or other people (although I haven’t for months) and we’re talking, I always talk quite, because I feel like everyone is listening our conversation. I hate being the center of attention (well unless I’m intoxicated).

I am also a very closed person. I don’t tell anybody my problems; not even my parents. I don’t know how to express myself. I’ve never opened up to anybody. The person that knew the most about me was my stepbrother. He was the one person I actually felt comfortable telling certain things to. I don’t like showing any emotions in front of people whether it be anger, sadness, or excitement. I’m not a robot; I do laugh and smile a lot. I have a good sense of humor. My stepbrother thought I was one of the funniest people he knew. I actually have heard that I’m funny from almost everyone I’ve met and became somewhat friendly with. I guess that’s why nobody realizes how miserable I am. I always appear happy on the outside.

I have this fantasy that some day I will be able to tell someone (like a psychiatrist) my problems rather than posting in a forum on the Internet and they will be able to help me. But that’s part of my problem: I don’t like meeting new people; especially opening up to one. Until then though can I get some help from you please?

Although I don’t really believe in mental disorders, if I had to diagnose myself I would say I either have social anxiety disorder, avoidant personality disorder, or most likely something I’ve read about called love-shyness, or even all of the above.

SilentStranger · Posted: Sat Feb 24, 2007 2:40 am Post subject:

Hey mate... I kinda relate to some of the stuff you are saying about not having many friends... only people who I hang around at work or school. Even that has changed.. partly because people have moved on... both in the literal and figurative sense of the word.

I am very close to my brother too... but unlike you step bro, my bro is not quite in a situation to help me. Even though he is much more outgoing than me he is still relatively shy and different enough not to have loads or friends or a GF. Anyway, I couldn't bare to lose him. I feel your pain... well I think I do.

Stras · Newbie User Joined: Oct 14, 2006 Posts: 3

I can relate my life sucks aswell as being very boring it drives me insane

mylifesucks · Newbie User Joined: Feb 17, 2007 Posts: 21

ya, the internet is my best friend but i don't use it to meet people. i haven't used it for that since high school. i don't know about meeting people from other places, but i definitely don't want to use it to meet people from my city, because i'm afraid it's someone i've met in person before or they know someone i know. as for drinking, i don't see how i can stop. alcohol is probably my second best friend. i can't even imagine telling someone they exact way i feel (even over a beer). i've thought about talking to my parents about it, but that's as close as i've came. i kind of wonder if they think it's strange that i'm almost 23 and never had a girlfriend or if they even know. right now my only focus is to get my computer science degree and get a job computer programming that i can do from home and encounter as few people as possible and then get intoxicated and play video games or do something i can do alone.

Mary · Advanced User Joined: Apr 03, 2006 Posts: 368

Hi, I just wanted to say that maybe you should try prayer. God can help you. He has helped me countless times. Even if you don't beleive, there is something to be said about the power of prayer or positive confession's or proffessions about yourself. What you say has power to change for better or worse your situation. I encourage you to read my post in off topic under, "visual evidence of the power of prayer." Theres a link you can go to see how our words can impact our environment. If nothing else I encourage you to start speaking more positively about yourself even if at first you don't believe it. I think over time that will help you to feel better. Good luck and God bless!

_________________
JESUS IS THE WAY, THE TRUTH, AND THE LIFE.
John 14:6

mylifesucks · Newbie User Joined: Feb 17, 2007 Posts: 21