My partner has social phobia

melz · Guest

I was wondering if anyone is in this same position. My partner has social phobia and although he is seeking help, I feel totally useless to help him. I guess my feeling range from total rage and anger to totally helpless.

We can not really go anywhere. If we go togeather, he gets sick, but if he doesn't come he sits at home and sulks and makes me feel terribly guilty for going out.

Sometimes I feel at wit's end. It can be so hard to try and stay calm and not resent him because he has this problem. I used to be a really social person, but now weekends and evenings consist of DVDs and television.

Anyone else in a similiar situation

-Jp · Posted: Thu Dec 16, 2004 11:34 am Post subject:

if you want to understand and be able to help him better you could consider reading the book painfully shy, it covers what SA is, how to become better (although not the most helpfull way, no book is..) and a few chapters of guidance for people close to someone with SA

J · Guest

Heya, Melz!

Yeah, it takes some strength to date someone with strong SA. Wink

Good for you for doing your best to stick with him.

Along with the previous poster's suggestion, I'd say try to see what out-of-the-house situations he can hanlde without getting ill, and help him through slow-but-steady 'exposure therapy'. Push him a little when he's feeling helpless, back off if the situation is causing him serious distress. He has to start breaching his comfort zone more, for both your sakes. see what you can do to help expand his comfort zone. Help him recognize his negative thoughts, his automatic assumptions of doom. Read up on the disorder and see if there's anything you yourself can relate to-- it will make understanding him a bit easier.

DON'T settle for 100% homeboundness on weekends. that's bad for both of you. DON'T let him make you feel guilty for going out. He can stay home and sulk if he wants (not a good idea, but hey, it's his choice, right?), but he has no right to make you feel like you abandoned him for the evening. You have the right to your own life as well. Even couples need to be apart a little bit. And, I hate to say this on an SA board as an SAer myself, but-- if he doesn't ever want to go out, it's his problem... if he sulks alone while you're out partying, he only has himself to blame... he can sit and sulk about how you're out without him, and how he missed another chance to try to be social, or he can bite the bullet and make attempts. Making the attempt IMHO is MORE important than succeeding. Success will come with diligent attempts.

But, he has to want to try. Even veeeeery slowly, easy-does-it, one-day-at-a-time working at it is progress and a good sign. Discuss how you feel with him and how you want to find a balance between going out and staying home. Try to get him to talk about his feelings, SA and otherwise.

It's all easier said than done... but it's true. Good luck to you both, and once again I'm glad to see that there are ladies who'll give shy guys a chance. (Now give him a kick in the ass and get him outside more often Smile

). My two cents. Very Happy

JWH · Posted: Thu Dec 16, 2004 10:13 pm Post subject:

I can't speak from the experience of a relationship, but from how others have tried to help me in the past... It has taken me a long time to realise that every change that I contemplate making has to come from my own will. I'm currently going through a period of change, and I can honestly say I could not have done if if others tried to help me.

My main issues are agoraphobia and "irritable bowel" which leave me paranoid about travelling anywhere. In this past month I have already been able to convince myself to go for half hour walks daily and in the daylight hours. I don't know how long I will be able to keep this up for, but I'm hoping the exposure will desensitise my thoughts and feelings to a point.

Please, just don't push him too hard. I found that was the worst thing that people could have done. Despite their best intentions, it actually made the stress a whole lot worse. Most important of all is to just let him take control of situations. This while only momentary, will give some confidence.

_________________
Jane.

-Jp · Posted: Thu Dec 16, 2004 10:51 pm Post subject:

i think pushing is the wrong word, like the book sais, when your in a situation with your friend and he wants to leave because he is uncomfertable try to stay and comfort him, tell him it isn't that bad, that he'll get trough it. also asking him rational questions when you're at home about what he is afraid for in these situations can help in the long term, make him questions his beliefs. but all with respect, don't push or judge him negativly if such a situation doesn't work out the way you'd like. be patient and try praticing situations that are difficult for him.

Guest · Posted: Sat Dec 18, 2004 4:27 am Post subject:

i agree with the whole not settling with 100% staying at home because it definately is bad for the both of you.

i've been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years now and even with mild SP it's put a little strain on our relationship, but even when you are your most frustrated, just know that if you really care about each other (which if you've been so patient so far, i'm sure you do), i'm sure he appreciates your patience. i can't say that enough to my boyfriend and i'm sure your partner feels the same way towards you!

Chilling_Echo · Posted: Sat Dec 18, 2004 4:37 am Post subject: