Anybody else have this compulsion?

paulmm · Newbie User Joined: Jun 29, 2007 Posts: 47

I have a compulsion that deals with guilt. I've talked about it in a few other topics, but I want to make a topic dealing with it specifically.

My OCD is mostly obsessive. I obsess about things I feel guilty about. My compulsion is that I cannot allow the things in like that I feel guilty about affect my life.

This compulsion started very simply. If I did something that I felt guilty about, I would be careful not to let it affect my life.

Then I realized that my thoughts about the guilt and the guilt itself was a direct product of the thing I did that I felt guilty about. Therefore, these thoughts could not affect my life. Nor could the guilt I felt.

It has gotten to the point where I have information stored in my head, vast amounts of priceless information, and ideas, and realizations, that are off-limits, because they are "tainted" by something I felt guilty about when I first thought of them.

I often think of worse case scenarios when trying not to give in to this compulsion. Many times, if I am feeling guilty about something and a thought pops into my head, for example "I forgot to get gas for my car", I won't be able to do it. I feel like guilty thoughts cannot affect my life, and therefore, I have to wait to be reminded by an outside source other than my brain to fill up my car with gas.
I will realize that I probably won't be reminded and I will run out of gas and I will be late for work and lose my job and end up a junkie and die. So to avoid this, I get gas. Then I feel guilty that I was unfairly advantaged by being reminded to get gas while I was feeling guilty about something. I feel like I shouldn't ever benefit from something I am feeling guilty about because if I feel guilty about it, it wasn't a good thing.
Then I will start obsessing about what would happen if I hadn't gone to get gas, i.e. lose my job, etc., and because this obsessing was caused by a guilty thought, any thoughts that come up during this obsessing cannot be used. This grows and grows until it includes a huge majority of the thoughts and ideas in my head, and makes most of my life off-limits. It causes severe depression, especially when i feel powerless to help myself. If I remember than i have a test tomorrow while feeling guilty about something, I will not be able to study for it, and I will be forced to allow valuable time to go by while I could be studying. It's like standing there and watching a child die and be able to help but do nothing. It's a feeling of absolute hoplessness and powerlessness.

Does anybody else have this compulsion to not allow their life to be affected by undesireable things, like guilt?

Dr_OCD · Newbie User Joined: Sep 27, 2007 Posts: 7

I don't really think this is OCD, but you have a lot of negative talk. You must think and talk positive to yourself. If you did nothing wrong, there is no need to feel guilt. You must learn how to re-condition your thoughts. Everytime you have a guilt urge thought coming, tell yourself to do something else, change your thoughts, tie a rubberband to your hand, and snap it, this will help you being AWARE and take progressive actions. Everyone is unique, learn to accept it. But if you feel it is wrong, try to change it. If you can't and it affects your life, seek a profesional help. Take care.

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Alexander89 · Newbie User Joined: Sep 28, 2007 Posts: 5

I do, sorta like recently this thoughts been runing my day, i keep thinking ive done something wrong when i havnt, like when i was 13 my thing accidently touched a others person thing while playing around on the bed (we clothes on of course), and as soon as that happned, i had a bad OCD thought and as soon as that happen as far as i remember i hoped off the bed because it disturbed me, now i keep thinking did i do that for a reason? and even if i did, i was only 13 at the time and that stuff shouldnd bother me!
Some times, things that happned years ago, like this incident, you might remember it one day and you dwell on it, keep thinking what happened over and over , altho i know ive done nothing wrong in my heart, its like my brain keeps tellign u have and u keep thinking it over and over to try and tell it that you havnt. if you know what i mean

I think it bothers ya because she was younger then you and u think ur bad person and etc.
but i do get other thoughts like harming my family and etc, which i would never do, i love my family and wouldnt wont nothing to hurt them.
If you get what im saying!