carer of ocd partner

helencon21 · Newbie User Joined: Sep 13, 2007 Posts: 8 Location: uk

i am caring for my partner who has resposibility ocd. i absolutley have had enough.... i dont want to give up on him but i really cannot do any more to help. my partner thinks he is abusing our children in the night while he sleep walks. this is particularly raw to me as my mum was abused as a child. i help all i can but constantly being told he is doing this is taking its toll.... i dont want to hear this all day every day. this might sound selfish but every time he says it it breaks my heart.... to go on and do the best 4 my kids. i no its ocd but i just CANNOT convince him. can anybody help... please i really cant go on.

YankeeBob · Intermediate User Joined: Aug 29, 2007 Posts: 113

sounds to me like you are parenting your children...and your partner.

a person can only give so much. we each need to be listened to and supported as well.

and loved of course.

would you like some suggestions...or is post just you wanting to vent ?

take care. be well.

helencon21 · Newbie User Joined: Sep 13, 2007 Posts: 8 Location: uk

thanks for the reply. yep i feel like his mother too!

i just wanted some suggestions on how to deal with this.. i dont know
wether to reassure him, ignore it or physically drag him out of bed. he cant get out of bed until he checks if he can remember if he has abused the kids in the night. he was there till 6pm last night until i told him if he doesnt get up im going out and leaving him with the kids.
he got up eventually. he is breaking my heart 2 see him like this, i just want to help but i dont know what to do for the best.
i have heard that reassurance doesnt help ocd sufferers. any suggestions would be welcome.
he has had ocd for 12 years, we met 11 years ago and have been together since. i have always been able to deal with it but now with the kids i cant do it all, i also have ptsd and am trying 2 recover from that. its all a bit much right now. any help would b great, thanx 4 listening Crying or Very sad

YankeeBob · Intermediate User Joined: Aug 29, 2007 Posts: 113

ok. this is a complex area and it might take him four to six years to get a grasp on this.

1) your partner has an illness. its a mental, probably emotional and possibly genetic illness.

you can not "heal him'. he needs professional help.

probably from a man. you see we men need to make healthy connections with other men about our "shit".

this insight comes from my own personal experience.

my first wife could not help me. nor the other women i turned to. nor my loving current wife.

2) the seeds of his illness are most probably in his childhood. my guess he finds he can't talk about the pain of that.

then again i live in Australia...so making a diagnosis from this far away is stretching it....just a little bit.

i just smiled..a sad smile.

my guess ( and its only a guess ) is that he has created some fantasy of what it was like...including his relationship with his father...and has chosen to never examine this area.

when he is ready...and now may be too early....I would urge him to read Terrence Real's book "I don't want to talk about it."

in it he discusses the fact that so many men are addicted to work, or booze, or other external substances to get our "self esteem".

its a very compelling book.

you might find it helpful for yourself to read it and see if it makes some sense for YOU.

3) priority one is sleep. steady sleep every night...for your partner.

You may have to get him to a doctor. ...or kick him out of the house...or ask his parents for help...

he will procrastinate and act like a child about this...because its a failure for a man to admit he has a problem.

i speak from personal experience here.

4) self esteem is an issue . he should be on this site perhaps.

5) do you think he has an addiction to some substance?

you might want to converse with me in a private message or via my email address on this as it is probably very private area.

6) "abusing the children"

those of us who were abused as children ( emotionally - anger/physical abuse, or neglect - psychological abuse ) live in fear of doing the same to our kids.

is this something that you have a sense is in his head?

7) I have some other questions and ideas...but this might be a good place to start.

take care. be well.

ps. there is HOPE

helencon21 · Newbie User Joined: Sep 13, 2007 Posts: 8 Location: uk

thanks for your reply. lots of this makes sense. i will try these points, and have to live with the fact that i cant help him, however much it hurts me 2 see him this way, i can however support him and that is what i will continue to do, thanks again

YankeeBob · Intermediate User Joined: Aug 29, 2007 Posts: 113

OCD takes many forms. Some of them are:
* drug addiction,
* booze addiction,
* lust addiction,
* Isolating
* Denial we have a problem / minimising the problem
* work addiction
etc

The work I have done in this area ON MYSELF has revealed some interesting insights:

1) I had a low self esteem as a child. Never talked about this with my parents or others. Pretended everyting was ok when on the inside I was lonely, troubled, and felt hollow.

2) Did not have any close male friends growing up ( NEVER ) because I would not let people know what I was thinking or feeling.

3) My relationships with women were dysfunctional .

4) Like my father I became a workaholic. Work became my secret friend. It became a crutch...and allowed me to "pretend " everything was ok when it was horrible.

Now a book I am reading called "I don't want to talk about it" by Terrence Real makes the point that some men experience "covert depression" all their lives.

And they refuse to accept they have a problem. You see their ( my ) eyes look at everyone else, rarely at themselves.

He goes on to argue that this denial requires some event to CRACK it open.

Sometimes its when a partner/loved one says I am leaving. Or they loose a job. Or some other dramatic event occurs.

Only then is there REAL PAIN, a sense of loss. And a williness to deal with what is going on.

This author argues that once we come off OCD substances/behaviours we men shift from "covert depression" to real depression.

That is we feel everything: sadness, pain, guilt , shame, anger, resentment.....in short for the first time we start feeling all the human feelings we have always repressed or medicated.

Now I can relate to this observation. I tried for 53 years to put up a front and say "I am ok. When I was feeling great pain and hollowness."

This change came from a dramatic event ...I was fortunate that I confided in a brother who lives in the USA. He recommened I contact AA here in Australia and see if they have a 12 Step Program for my OCD.

They did. And I have discovered there are other men ( and a few women ) with my behaviours and thinking.

Slowly, I have been getting progressive victory over my obsessive thinking and compulsive behaviors. This is after 4.5 years of working on myself, learning to share thoughts and weaknesses with other men. Learning that we all are different ( in terms of sensitivity, courage, self doubt , self awareness ) and all are the same.

Now I have come to understand that passive abuse took place in my childhood. I was a sensitive, needy child who wanted reassurance and constant affection.

Sadly, neither of my parents received this in their childhoods, so they could not pass on what they had not been given. For that I have learned to forgive them.

And that was very difficult to do. It was easier to see myself as a "victim" and they were "bad parents".

I share these small insights with you in the hope that it gives you some HOPE and some sense of what might be going on for your partner.

Do encourage you to read Terrence Real's book. It rings true for me.