This post isn't meant to be advice, it's just my personal experience with school.
I was always shy in school, and always one of the top five students in my class. The shyness never really hurt my social status in school until about 10th grade. I was actually one of the "cool" kids all through school. I even dated the hottest girl in the class ahead of mine when I was a freshman in high school. I'm mentioning all of this to show you that it doesn't matter who you are, social phobia can affect anybody.
When I entered the tenth grade, I noticed something was different. I still had all of my friends and I didn't have any enemies either. I would walk to school in the morning and feel the anxiety rise inside me until I got the front doors, where a lump would rise to the top of my throat as I got closer. I would see my friends and the anxiety would force a quick conversation and I would find the quickest way out. Sitting in my first class, my teeth would clench, my muscles would tense, and I would constantly either tap my foot or pencil. By the time second period rolled around, my armpits would have sweat marks and that only made the anxiety increase. One week of this caused me to make an appointment with my guidance counselor, but I'd already made up my mind that I wasn't going to go through that for three more years plus college. I met with her the next day and the decision was made without her consent.
I chose to finish high school through homeschool, in an environment that I was comfortable with. By the end of that school year, I had completed my last three years of school and I enrolled in a community college about two hours away from where I lived.
College was even worse than high school (since I knew nobody there except my brother, who I moved in with), but I decided to try to fight through it because I didn't I didn't really have another option at that time. The first semester passed, and I ended up with a great a GPA of 3.75. However, I was mentally and physically drained by my panic disorder, not to mention the constant arguments that my brother and I would have over the issues that I was battling (I never had the ambition to go out and socialize, just because that simple task of going to class would tire me out so much). I decided to enroll in a private college so that I'd have more time away from the house and more work to do when I was at home so I wouldn't have to deal with my party animal brother. Low and behold and developed a severe opiate abuse habit and he became violent, not caring about my feelings at all, bringing people into the house at all hours of the night. Luckily our landlord lived downstairs and watched/heard the situation unfold and my brother got taken off the lease and evicted. By that point I had stopped going to class because of the stress at home added to the anxiety / panic disorder during classes and social situations.
That's when agoraphobia struck. I left my house only for food or to pay bills for the rest of that semester, and then one final time to withdraw from college due to illness so I wouldn't get any zeros on my record. Then I broke the news to my parents that my anxiety had taken over again and I needed to go back to the shrink. The psychiatrist just put me on some more SSRI's , which did nothing for me. I finally was prescribed clonazepam and propanolol, and together with the counseling I'd had I was doing fairly well at handling my anxiety. Therefore, I decided to make a final attempt at college and enrolled in a state university that was located about an hour and a half from my home town.
I lived there in an apartment by myself, which, in retrospect, was a horrible choice because it made it so easy for me to withdraw from the world. My final year of school with panic disorder was just like the beginning of my sophomore year in high school. I went for a week, knew I wouldn't be able to handle it without completely losing my mind, and started looking for other career options.
I'm now studying at home to be a medical transcriptionist. I've actually already received a job offer from my own psychiatrist once I graduate. The school that I'm studying with also hooks its graduates up with jobs upon graduation in many cases. I'll be able to work from home too. Who knows if this is what I'm going to spend my life doing, but at least I'll be able to earn some money without the social stresses that traditional schools/jobs put on people like us.
I'm only 19 too, so I have a lot of time ahead of me to figure everything out. I only shared this story to show you that high school isn't as important as people make it out to be. As long as you can do good on your SATs (in the u.s.), then you're fine. When I was in tenth grade I got an 1170 on my SATs and the colleges I applied to didn't even care about my crazy high school to home school decision.
I wish you the best of luck in your journey, and I hope you can make more than I did of the chance that you're given to obtain a college degree.
It's so important in today's world.
Joined: Jul 30, 2007 Posts: 200 Location: N.Ireland UK
Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 10:51 pm Post subject:
hey millymoocow!
no ur not alone cus i also have SP and i HATE going to skool, it use to be just anxiety attacks in certain classes, terrified that a teacher would make me read out or someone would start picking on me cus i was a geek (still am) lol im in the most important year of skool with other stuff going on and ive started having panic attacks.
I also have acne, but try to remember that most people have it and ur teachers im sure had it aswell wen they were younger it will get better and most people who arte yse to seeing you dont even pick up on it, honestly thats the truth! but i recommend u talk to a few people, like ur parents about this or go to ur doctor about ur SP if u havent already and ask for help for times when ur in skool and feel anxious cus i really dont want anyone to go through what i have
good luck i hope u get over this & im sure u will
Joined: Nov 17, 2007 Posts: 58 Location: in a mad-house...
Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 6:36 am Post subject:
thanks. it's great that people are responding back to me, i thought that everyone was gonna think i was boring. thanks again for the advice and confidence boost!
I relate I experienced chronic social phobia all through primary school and I guess you could say I was a 'non-practicing agoraphobic'. I felt so relieved when I graduated, but on my first day of high school I came to realise that it was only going to be another six years of the same thing. I felt sick every morning and through the entire day, I started skipping certain classes over a phobia of walking into class and for whatever reason, not having a seat, and everything compounded when I was placed at the front of the class. I just couldn't do it anymore, and truanted for most of my unspectacular secondary school experience. Ended up quitting in year 9 and attempting suicide, not really knowing what was wrong with me. That was really hard for me because all I really identified with and felt good about was my grades at school, and for all my truancy was a neurotic over-achiever.
I often wonder what my life would be like if I'd stayed on, I'm finishing now by external studies and will do uni the same way.
Joined: Feb 07, 2008 Posts: 5 Location: Prizon of my MIND ;_;
Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 11:47 am Post subject:
I'm not sure how old you are but I can certainly relate. I'm starting 10th grade right now and I've had this same godforsaken anxiety since the 6th grade. It's always been a fear of people my own age for me, yet I can get on real well with older or younger people, the bigger the age gap, the easier. I guess with teenagers is that it's really the social peak in one's life...just agonizing for our kind. Arr, but keep going, I mean at least for the sake of going to uni/college. Good luck for the future~
And the acne thing..gah, it's mainly zits that get me, always occur during schooltime when I eat the least amount of junk food, where's the logic in that?? haha..it could be stress related though, so work hard + take it easy...if that makes sense.
I always hated school. I had alot of friends I just used to hate the teachers. I got kicked out of 4 high schools and I left in year 9.
I'm 26 now and going to university... school taught me nothing. I just like to read its the best way to educate yourself.
Don't worry about acne, I had it big time and its all gone now (well not really its migrated to my back, at least its out of sight)
Try not to be scared of ppl. Bullies and shit are just big pussies, I used to get bullied until one day I just punched the guy in the head.
Never got bullied again. Y'see bullies never expect anyone to fight back.
I'm not big either, I'm very skinny and weigh less than 60kg so there u go
I definately DEFINATELY understand your situation. For me I thought going to a University in a big city far away would make things easier after, and did so and I was very wrong. It was worse, and I am done now I stuck it out until the end, avoided many presentations gladly in exchange for failed participation marks, but made it to the end with honours somehow. Anyway towards the end I dreaded going so much I had regular panic attacks and high blood pressure and increased heart rate on school days. I had to take pills to control my blood pressure. Every single day of school was a living hell. Don't give up though, stick it out and you'l be done soon. Consider it a victory when you make it out.
I was bullied very badly in high school and had terrible acne, acne on top of acne. I looked like someone had thrown a pizza pocket into my face and it exploded. This didn't make standng up to bullies easy so I never did. I didn't want to stand out or be noticed anymore than I had to. Anyway I'm 24 now and still have acne but it is under control through some medication I use.
My advice, don't go to university unless there's something you're really going after, a specific goal you are focused on achieving, because I feel like I went and caused myself all that anxiety for nothing as a BA degree doesn't really do much for you, especially if you're a social phobic like I am.
I used to think I was just a very shy person. All through school I had close friends but I didnt talk to people outside of my circle. Year 11 began and suddenly my shyness grew within a matter of days! I was never comfortable around other students, I hated class and cringed when I heard my name called to read aloud. I would sit with my head down and try my best not to be noticed. Don't even get me started on speeches Milly! I was so scared i would convince my parents I was sick so I could stay home. I was a good student and a good kid. I never got in trouble and I had never been in detention. But suddenly I was hiding in the toilets during classes, getting panic attacks in class, hyperventilating, turning bright red and feeling like I was on fire or about to be sick! Something was definately wrong. Thats when I had what I call my 'nervous breakdown' and found out from my doctor that I had Social Phobia and Anxiety. I got so bad that I actually had to leave school. I couldn't walk into the gates without my knees trembling, bursting into tears and being violently ill! I decided my best option was distance ed, and its worked out well for me. But theres not a day that goes by that I dont regret having to leave school and miss out on all those experiences. Im in a small town and there wasnt much help available to me right away. The only advice I can give is to say: Get help now, find people who can give you the tools you need, they'll teach you how to apply them to situations. I really hope that you get through high school and make it! Im sure you will. Never give up and keep your loved ones close. GOOD LUCK MILLY MOO COW!!!!!!
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