Why I have been having bad anxiety attacts lately.

TAMPA-BAY

Well like I sad we had a new girl at work. Me and my friend who were like batman and robin me bing batman added her to our circle. I soon notice that there was more going on between the two of them. I put two and two together and realized that they were dateing.

My friend still invited me to lunch but It just felt weird. I felt like the third wheel. So I started either leaving break earlier so they could be alone or just avoiding them all together.

I then starting wondering if people at my job started getting the wrong idea that i was jelous and stuff and that that was why I was acting a little weird and avoidant. I am difinately not jelous cause ive seen all the girls he tried to date and they all turned him down so if anything I am the happest person to see him with a date.

All I keep thinking at work is that behind my back my coworkers are mistakeing my behavior for jelousy or depression cause they have never seen me with a date and I usualy turn down any atempt to hook me up. They have all figured out that I must have never had a date and I am now woried that they are feeling pitty for me which Is the last thing that i need cause it just brings more attention to me espicaly at a time when I am experienceing anxiety.

I now have reoccuring thougts about what will happen one day that I go to work. The fear that they will be like " poor whats his name he must fell so alone that his budy has got a girl and he is alone" Then they will try to play match maker. Something they have tried in the past but this time it will be harder for me to run cause they will be like "your not getting any youger and other high pressure statement." Plus I will be out numbered as alwayse. It also doesnt help that my friends will not only push harder to get me hooked up but it will be in front of his new girl friend who I am afraid will then think i am weird. When I first met her we got along ok but I fear she will think that iam a loser and that my friend should stop hanning out with me cause I am a party pooper who is holding him back.

As you can already see the anxiety is causing me to make cathrophic pridiction that so far has not even came close to comming tru. Also my friends who i only hang out with at work because of my anxiety his girl friends has been very nice to me and has issues of her own that I have been slowly noticeing.

So my solution to this problem is to stop hiding as if I have done something wrong. I didnt chose to have anxiety. Its just the cards that I have been delt. I am F***king sick of carrying around this shame like a bag of rocks. I am tired of being on the defense for something that is not my fault. I have recently bought yet another book on anxiety called "HEALING SHAME THAT BINDS YOU'by john bradshaw.

It dicusses how there is good shame and bad shame. The problem it appears is when i hold on to certain things and carry it throught my life like a bag. I am still reading the book so Ill tell you how it goes. Wish me luck in 2008