not quite sure what this is

jellybean · Newbie User Joined: Dec 28, 2007 Posts: 61

hi everybody this is my first post, great to have found this place. Anyway Im not quite sure what this is but I'll give you the story as short as I can.

A few years back I had a great group of friends and was living life to the full, I had no problems being around people and was a happy go lucky kinda girl. I had a period of recreational drug taking which inturn turned into a 2 year nightmare of depression, social anxiety, self harm and isolation! I was unable to function and shut myself away in my room for 2 years. The friends I had who had been the best friends in the world up until then turned into the worst people to have around, they emotionally bullied me and kicked me when I was down. Whats worst is that they turned a lot of people against me and made my life hell! Eventually I met a guy and got myself out of that situation and lived a happy normal life for two years or so hanging out with other friends that were separate to them. The thing is is that this year I have been having an extremely stressful time of it in work and I feel Im slipping back into a completely anxious state. I feel vulnerable and afraid to go out into the world. Ive had a few bad experiences with people where I feel they have used my weaknesses against me and now Im developing a very unhealthy attitude towards people in general. Im starting to feel as though most people are happy to see other people when they are down because it will make them feel better. I feel Im very sensitive to the comments of others to the point where I feel like Im being prodded with sharp sticks all the time. I've now taken the attitude that Im not going to bother going out because every time I do I just get hurt and come home feeling worse than I would have if I had stayed in. I feel that I have nobody close to me that I can truely trust and feel comfortable around, I have seen the worst side in people and have a very bad taste in my mouth after it, im terrified I am going to be alone forever and really feel I need to find just one person who I can trust and who is kind and loving and who does not get pleasure out of other peoples hardships. Im not sure I have a social phobia but I have a fear of being hurt and of what other people will say to me. Anyone know what Im talking about ? Sad

IknowIhaveSP · Newbie User Joined: Dec 28, 2007 Posts: 49

I cant say this is exactly a social phobia. you're hurt by friends that you trust most and now can trust any other people. but you're living this at the edge. you know what I mean? I dont think you have social phobia but you're just escaping from people in order not to get hurt again and just try to find the right friends or right guy which is also difficult to catch everytime. when you think you cant find then you make yourself more depressed. I think just a normal psychlogical help can get you out of this trouble. but you know whatever people say this social phobia comes back anytime again. so I really feel desperate about it Sad

I have it and I'm just feeling miserable spending all weekends alone at home Sad

RedRibbons · Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2007 12:54 am Post subject:

Jellybean! Pretty much the exact same thing happened to me! I smoked weed for about 2 years, and then one time when I was high with my friends, my friend told me I was an idiot for laughing and I got all quiet and then had nothing to say.. I didn't know what to say at all.... Anymore.

I got to a point where I worked around and overcame it, but then this idiot guy asked me if I had a problem with my sexuality and I spiraled into the pit of social anxiety and analyzing. That's how I developed my mild ocd behaviour and social anxiety (because I began to think everyone was judging me all the time and thought bad things about me and I over-analyzed everything I thought and what other people might have though and blah blah blah). I started blushing with my anxiety as well.

So... It got really bad, but is easing up gradually, since I work now, full-time, am moving out on my own, and forcing myself to spend time with friends, even if I worry. I still have a lot of inner turmoil, anxiety, obsessive/compulsive thoughts, and blushing. But.. lol I'm kinda trying to accept it, and be happy with my craziness. Smile

You're gonna be all right. It just takes time.

jellybean · Newbie User Joined: Dec 28, 2007 Posts: 61

ye I think I need to get to grips around the fact that my opinion of myself should me more important than other peoples opinion of me but to be truthful it isn't! I know thats the route of my problem but I have been in CBT for ages and can't kick it. I am happy when other people like me and miserable when they dont, whats worse is that I am so sensitive a small remark to me is total rejection, Im in a very dangerous position because I am totally at the mercy of other peoples opinions and judgements, it goes like this

If they like me Im good

If they dont Im bad

TRAPPED Sad