Hey don't know if this is syness or anxiety but..

Lintix

Hey this is my first post. I've been looking all round the internet for help and I just found this site today. There are a few problems I have one that I managed to fix others I feel are completely out of my capability.

I can't look at people in the eyes. I was reading a few posts on this forum about it earlier, but it's just to get a general idea of the kind of person I am. It feels strange almost like it hurts.

I CAN'T help but mumble when I talk. I even sometimes start to stutter. I've had stuttering problems a few times during my short life so far and it's just so annoying I've been thinking of going to a speech therapist. The funny thing is, I can stand up infront of crowds and talk loudly and confidently as my teacher said during my speech for english class.

Those are the two main things I want to fix. I managed to fix my posture through an ingenious method I found on the net. But if anyone has any help for those two, please share your thoughts cause right now I'm ready for anything!

Odd · Newbie User Joined: Jan 17, 2008 Posts: 3

I have this problem too. I can only look people in the eye briefly. I tried to get over it in summer. What I did was buy a pair of very dark sunglasses, so I knew no one would know if I was looking at them, then I went out and if someone spoke to me I would try to remain eye contact. It made me feel more confident, but it was still hard for me.

I just think about it too much. Let me know if you come up with any ideas... it not only makes yourself uncomfortable but it makes other people uncomfortable around you... and often people think I am being disrespectful...

random · Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 4:24 am Post subject:

Lintix and Odd,
First, lemme say that I am old. Wayyyy old. I am 47 years old. Just wanted to give you fair warning so you can 'consider the source'.
I have had that problem of not making eye contact and I do have, according to 2 clinical psychologists, social anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (from being verbally abused by family members for such an extended period of time.)
For the longest time I failed to notice that I could function 'normally' in some areas and not in others. Like, why can I go up to strangers in a foreign country and ask for directions but when I am talking with someone I work with I can barely make myself make eye contact. To me, it felt like I could never predict when this problem would happen.
I finally realized that I seem to have invisible 'rules' to my eye contact and social anxiety; when can I talk and look and when I can't. I never have been able to find out what 'rules' I have hidden in my head but I have some good guesses.
Strangers - I'll never see them again. My boss - I will see him again. Therefore I can be unguarded around strangers but can't look my boss in the eyes.
Strangers - do not know me at all so how can they reject me or hurt my heart or make me feel worthless. Sure, a stranger could insult me or be rude or tell me I am ugly, but I have nothing 'at stake' and not much to lose if I lose the respect of a stranger. My boss - well my job is literally on the line and I accidentally invested some of my self esteem in my workplace so if my boss peers into my mind and decides I am an idiot, I have alot to lose emotionally and financially.
It took me a long time to discover that, for me, eye contact felt like my mind and soul and/or self worth was being exposed. Or perhaps my feelings were being exposed. It felt like an uncomfortable level of exposure. Standing up in front of a class is less personal because a crowd is less personal. Sure it would be bad if they started criticizing you but the professor would stop that and they wouldn't be criticizing your soul - they would be criticizing the report you wrote. You have some distance.
In my family, I didn't like sharing my feelings (family members had many problems and if they found out what my feelings were - they made my feelings into big problems "What? You think that? Mom! Mom! Guess what Random thinks!" and then mom "What? How could you think that! etc) So to maintain my privacy, I didn't share many thoughts and feelings so my family started focusing on my eyes to figure out how I felt.
I don't know if any of this is true for you - I imagine there are many reasons out there for not making eye contact. I am saying that my self esteem and fear of being exposed made me avoid personal eye contact but allowed me to do certain public things, like teaching people how to use software by standing at the front of the class and talking.

Lintix · Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 5:13 am Post subject:

I understand what you mean Random, when you talk about 'the rules'. I think I have my own reasons of avoiding eye contact similar to your family (mine having been ******* teachers throughout my primary). Another thing it could have been is that I became easily influenced by figures in movies. It sounds sad but it's true. I looked up to people like Spike Spiegel (from Cowboy Bebop) and tried to copy them. But soon that became tiring as I realised anime was a rediculous thing. I fell in love with ALL Clint Eastwood movies and became more like Dirty Harry and the no named rider from the dollars trilogy. The one thing I lacked was their confidence but I gained their arrogant, anti-social behavior. Looks like I got the short end of the stick. Lately I've been trying even more desperate methods such as hypnosis tapes with little success.

I like your idea though of personal contact like one on one leads to fear of eye contact yet when it's more a crowd such as public speaking it's easier.