6 reasons why 99% of people with SA will never get over it

shield · Newbie User Joined: Mar 20, 2008 Posts: 61

1) They don't stick to a plan of action- this is the number one reason why people with sp will never get better. Either they don't take any action or they take action for a while and then quit because its too painful or because they aren't making progress. Alternatively they are inconsistent with their actions working in fits and spurts. Consistency and persistence gets results.

2) They don't take baby steps- people with social anxiety push themselves too hard to do somthing that is too far beyond their comfort zone instead of building up gradually. The result is that the individual will not be consistent because they will dread repeating this activity. The solution is to start small and build up like with weight training. Over a year progress will be huge and after 2 years you will be totally over sp.

3) They think there is somthing wrong with them- people with sp have many excuses why they are different from other people and why they wont get better. I'm too ugly, I'm too stupid, I have a bad personality. The only difference between you and others is you have sp nothing else. There are plenty of people who have everything you have but who are leading great lives. Your negative views come from poor treatment by others. This may have been caused by a number of factors but not by anything that is intrinsically wrong with you.

4) They compare themselves to others- Comparing yourself to others is probably the best way to decrease your self-esteem. It is one of the worst and most damaging things you can do and it has very serious consequences on your well being. Now that you know this decide never to compare yourself to others. Just worry about your own progress and stop looking at other people.

5) They are result oriented rather than process oriented- People with SP have a tendency to focus on making friends or getting a girlfriend/boyfriend instead of working on building social skills gradually. You are unlikely to develop relationships quickly. This is a process and forming a relationship is an end goal which may take several years to accomplish. It is better to accept your current status of being single and alone and learn to like it. You can be happy with this. It is not terrible to be alone. Focus on and enjoy the process of building your social confidence and skills because you may not get results in a hurry.

6) Magic Pill- People in general look for magic pills to solve their problems. This is loser thinking. There are no magic pills or quick fixes. work in=reward out. Get that formula into your head because its the only thing that works. The harder and longer you work at this and the more sacrifices you make the better you will get.

ripewithdecay · Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 6:39 am Post subject:

Yeah I have to agree with the points here. In fact, I think anyone recovering from sp has to remind themselves every day of these things, if he/she wants to get over it. Because it's very easy to get overwhelmed and fall back into your old usual self-destructive thought processes if you don't stay on top of them. It's also easy to procrastinate after a while. I'm currently on month 2 of CBT and part of me is disappointed that I have hardly made any progress. Well.... what do I expect? That 2 months is enough to cure what has persisted for 20 years? Nuh uh. You gotta be mega-patient and just focus on the -little- piss ant progressions you make everyday - even if it's just simply talking to the clerk in a corner store, or calling someone, or going to the mall alone one day. It all adds up eventually - but you gotta keep your mind as healthy as you can or it's not gonna count.

Lea · Newbie User Joined: Mar 08, 2008 Posts: 49

Shield there is certainly much truth in what you write but do you think SP would go away if people eliminated these mistakes or thinking patterns? I know from my experience that it wouldn´t. You can change a lot, that´s true, but your shyness remains. Did you ever have SA yourself? Things are often not as plain and easy as they look.

shield · Newbie User Joined: Mar 20, 2008 Posts: 61

I had SA bad. You are wrong. Your shyness will disappear if you confront your social fears on a regular basis for a long enough period of time. I'm 100% on this. If you are still feeling shy then its probably because you have done one of the things mentioned above.

Lea · Newbie User Joined: Mar 08, 2008 Posts: 49

Hi Shield. I think I have done all things mentioned above. But to judge if you think I am shy or not, you would have to know and see me in various situations. I am not always shy, I can organize things and everything, talk to people normally etc., with everybody on almost any subject.. but I get very shy and insecure in certain situations, for example in a room with more strange people etc. It is such a feeling that I cannot take it and cannot change it by thinking. It is automatical. But I am not ashamed that I have it, it is not my fault I think. Maybe it is some disease, god knows where it comes from. People can think it is just shyness, not too bad, but it does have an influence on people´s lives because they cannot find appropriate work, partner etc.

Generical · Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 12:25 pm Post subject:

Yar the whole positive thinking, never give up stuff does work but it's easy to get knocked on your ass and it all comes back, i mean i've got over the most of it once already. Doing it again with the friendly depression on my shoulders is a whole lot harder, new wall to climb i guess.
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theman · Newbie User Joined: Feb 20, 2008 Posts: 54

Insightful post, shield.

I had SA too. In retrospect, there is only one major difference between people who appear confident and people who feel they lack confidence. People who appear confident USE their anxiety more productively than people who appear shy or not confident.

I don't think you have a disease, Lea.

Everyone has a certain 'energy' around social interaction. What you do with that energy affects your interpretation of reality and your self image.

Its like riding a rollercoaster: Some people LOVE rollercoasters - they interpret the vertigo and adrenaline they feel as positive energy and excitement. Some people HATE rollercoasters - they interpret the vertigo and adrenaline as DANGER and UNCONTROLLED RISK.

People who appear socially confident see the world as a SAFE place full of EXCITING CHALLENGE, LOVE, and OPPORTUNITY. They are, in a way, CONSPIRACY THEORISTS who believe that everyone in the world is out to HELP THEM.

People who have SA or appear socially awkward and lacking in confidence see the world as a DANGEROUS place full of PITFALLS, HATE, and potential DISASTER. They are also, in a way, conspiracy theorists who believe everyone in the world can SEE THEIR FLAWS and is out to SHAME THEM.
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Darkly13 · Newbie User Joined: Apr 25, 2006 Posts: 20

lifes_to_long · Intermediate User Joined: Jun 29, 2006 Posts: 192

I agree darkly I hae socialphobia but I'm in no means shy. Cool

shield · Newbie User Joined: Mar 20, 2008 Posts: 61

Yeah depression is a killer I suffered also from this for many years. I found that this is where medication helped. It alleviated some of the depression so that I could begin to work on overcoming sp.