Auto-Biography: The Suicide Memoirs

jh3art · Newbie User Joined: Mar 19, 2008 Posts: 8

There was more on this, explaining my horrible childhood but I erased it. Its still kind of long, sorry.

Upon entering high school, I tried to enter the popular crowd with my friends of 8 or so years. End result was that they made it and I didnt. I became even more closed off to normative society and learned increasing dependence through psycho-symptomatic OCD, where everything I did from bedrise to bedfall was organized by numbers, patterns, and superstition to promote good luck (EVERYTHING). This remained a constant in my life throughout high school, driving me to emotional fits of frustration as it became an enormous constraint on the most basic of activities. Latter half junior year I gave up most of them after an emotional breakdown. In their place, I found Texas Hold Em as it was the craze of the time, and forged healthy friendships through them. I also made friends with similarly deprived individuals through Halo, sports, and summer excursions to lakes and ponds. Looking back, this was my favorite time in life (I even managed to hold a job).

My transition from the working class neighborhood of my youth to the exact opposite in a liberal wishy washy upper middle class college campus was nothing short of life changing. I maintained my involvement in sports, which I believe was the only reason I hadn't gone crazy sooner. During this period, however, I was able to forge close friendships and was socially adept. However, I stopped running sophomore year and immediately started smoking weed. This marked the start of a year long addiction that I couldn't break. It also marked the building up of enormous anxiety that still manages to haunt me after 2 months of not smoking. It seems that I was able to escape my past and maintain healthy friendships until I got too deep in smoking. I don't know whats wrong with me, but at times I cannot be stopped and my brain fires on all cylinders, yet at other times I am a victim of overthinking and insurmountable anxiety that frustrates me to the point of suicidal thoughts. I fear life. I fear my own head. Where do I go when I cannot escape my own head???

lifes_to_long · Intermediate User Joined: Jun 29, 2006 Posts: 192

I didnt read it but I liked the title, very sexy.Maybe if you made a film about it, i might watch it.So your probly saying if you didn't read it why make a comment we'll the answers exactly this, I dont want to, I really don't give a damn what you've got to say or anyone for that, the truth is no one does and the beauty is that too.Work out for god sake what you have to do to stop the shit from coming out your mouth. please.Its not your fault but you are doing it, and for that I hold you responsible.oli

blonderedhead · Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 8:09 am Post subject:

First, let me say I'm sorry about your horrible childhood and whatever it was you went through the fact that you're here sharing you're story I think takes alot of courage. I too, fear life to a point where death seems like an option sometimes but it isn't. Do you see a therapist or anything? or have you ever thought of finding a support group? you seem like a very persistent and strong willed individual so I dont carry a doubt in my mind that you'll find your way through this. Good luck and dont ever give up. and dont get discouraged or your feelings hurt by lifes to long hes probably just bitter and thats just his style either that or he needs a hug.