the person behind the mask mkII

polljk · Newbie User Joined: Apr 06, 2008 Posts: 13

i posted the following under the same heading...
it may be more info than you'd like to know..
but fuck it.. i'm me
these are my faults... they've burned my soul for way too long.
i've had enough of hiding, trying to portray an image that doens't attract attention.. being ashamed of what my faults are enough to run myself so low i think i'll never look up again..
i ask for the right to be left alone in my safe area, socialise with the people i trust and feel safe with and to not be forced into being something i'm not by those around me... having to lie to others so they won't know im different, that i dont want what they want and rather having people think i'm some useless idoit than admitting it.

i smoke marijauna too.. it's the other good thing left in my life other than my wifes company.
any doubts about the safety of smoking it are blown away here
http://www.ccguide.org.uk/potent.php
more than a handfull of qoutes of cannabis not causing any ill effects apart from social problems from prohibition from (at memory) 1874. 1968, 1984, 1993, 1997... and a really good one by albert einstein on alcohol prohibition (i'm guessing) on the phycosis page.

the swirling thoughts running around your head and cutting your mind to shreads... are gone when talked about in an accepting enviroment.
the internet is one big group thearpy opertunity.. fucking take it.

i hope to be back again to find out who you all really are.
judgement free.. like i wished i had since i can remmeber.

here i go sgsin

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i am pissed off.. i dont know why.
it might be because of mental health professionals greed that if you can't pay, you dont get. i suggest right here and now.. public domain mental health information thats not just a teaser and that at one point everyone on the planet will know the ins and outs of their own minds. no more maladjustment, no more holding back information, just well adjusted healthy happy people with a greater understanding and respect for other peoples problems by knowing completely what they're going through.

i here am going to "cut-me-own-throat" with the truth.
may society have mercy on those that mock me.

since i can remmember i've been a bedwetter
privalidged to every morning waking up and feeling like... worst thing you can imagine. then having my bio dad punish me for it. my mum left him and after a while in comes step-dad. equally "i'm annoyed because your supposed to be normal and your making to much work for me" as my dad.
so a panic attack with a side of "holy shit im gonna piss myself in public" sounds a bit selfexplanatory.

but then with the addition of a fear that people will find out and humiliate/reject me, we have grass-roots anxiety. that builds into a fear of situations where the memories of being afraid of being found out excisted, which is basically everytime i was interacting with people, so now being near people sets off panic attacks caused by my fear of rejection. this in hand with basic "i dont want to suffer" generated a defence mechanism of being antisocial and negatively charged to push people away to avoid the situations which is avoidance personality disorder, basically choosing a nice dark corner and near coma like status to doing anything that could lead to a repeat performance...

and since its a social/outdoors fear.. hey i can't seek help.
seeing as im 22 now and thinking back to episodes starting around 11 maybe older or younger. so that said i deffinatly wasn't smoking green, though i was self medicating with cherry shnaps during school hours about that time, so its not brought on by maryj, if anything its a great excuse to be antisocial.

so here i am.. fucked off that its taken so long for me to find out what was wrong using the internet and reading up on cognitive therapies as i only sought help after i knew there was a problem to justify leaving my safe area because i deffinatly knew it would help, weird but i think it's down to choice... leave my safe area or go to docs possibly with no progress gained but pushed deeper with another episode.
before i just thought i was fucked up/broken/wrong/weak.
only after possibly 2-3 years of thinking about it, researching and digging deep inside to find the root (cognitive) do i feel i am worth helping and that i can be helped. no one talked to me about my problem and my parents probably knew less than i did anyway not that i would have admitted anything. so i never come to terms with it.. i ran. insteasd of fight, i flew.

no more though.. i refuse to suffer in scilence... i refuse to be told im worthless and that i should have a job when every second i spend outside my safe area is like having a drill going slowly through my skull.

this is slipknots message.

fuck it all, fuck this world
fuck everything that you stand for
dont belong, dont excist, dont give a shit
dont ever judge me

this is my coping mechanism and my feelings.
the more i withdraw, be defencive and reject the further people will be from me and wont be able to hurt me in any way or form.

i am the bullied bedwetter that climbs the clock tower... or strips naked on the street for all to see before i start screaming and killing the fuckers that caused me so much pain.
today i am the angry man who blames others... with your help
tomorrow i could be the disturbed serial killer that nobody understood and allways kept to himself.

i hope that this gives others the strength to say NO and do what makes them safe and happy rather than what their peers want to see to avoid dissapointment and admitting your different. society, i wish to be understood and accepted.

classic behavior is to withdraw completly at the first sign of rejection, so be nice to your trolls. they care more than you'll ever know.

if i wanted it to stop more than i did... i would've been dead a long time ago.

(sorry for the format.. but what's how i write. i take my thoughts/frame of mind and transfer it through the keyboard.)

this has been hard to admit.. and i hope you appriceate it.
to my brothers and sisters i say, you are not alone.

3,2,1.......... submit new thread

sabbath92002 · Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 11:24 pm Post subject:

Hi polljk, welcome to SPW!

_________________
Accept your reactions and be present
Choose a valued direction
Take action

http://www.contextualpsychology.com/act

haze · Newbie User Joined: Sep 14, 2006 Posts: 82

im to tired to give you a good response but wow great post.

Leki · Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 2:47 am Post subject:

You write really well. At first i was like too long!.. but i'm glad i read it all i identify with a lot of what you have written, you just express it so much better than i would be able to.

polljk · Newbie User Joined: Apr 06, 2008 Posts: 13