Blushing, aggressive-defence, miserable, this isn't a life.

IcarusUnderWater2 · Intermediate User Joined: Mar 15, 2008 Posts: 198

*Warning: VENTING FOLLOWS. So don't make a thread moaning about my moaning. Thanks.*

So i go to buy some groceries.

I nearly walk in to some woman in the store... i turn in to a tomato.

I go and pay for some groceries... cashier starts talking... i turn in to a tomato.

I go to another supermarket and buy some more groceries... i head to the checkout... chick at the till starts talking and being friendly... but... i turn in to a tomato.

Everyone feels so awkward because i go bright red. I then can't bare to open my mouth and talk because of the humiliation. It never gets any better.

ffs. I can't keep telling myself i will grow out of it. I am crippled by my anxiety.

EVERYTIME someone talks to me i turn red and make them feel awkward. It is basic communication and i can't handle it.

I usually snap at people so they don't initiate conversation. I never look at them in the eyes either. i snatch the receipt out of their hands. I feel burning eyes from the people in the queue behind me. i feel like i am always in the way.

I come across as a moody grumpy bastard. I am in the outside world.

Everything i do outside of my house is stressful. So much so i barely go out. I never go out on my own. I can't face meeting up with friends... people that used to be my friends anyway.

I am years behind my peers.

I am totally overwhelmed by the thoughts that i should have done X,Y and Z by now seeming as everyone else has been there, seen it, done it.

I am in a bubble of denial and avoidance.

I have no idea how to be spontanious.

WTF is spontanious?

My counsellor challenged me to be spontanious during our session this week. I had no freaking idea what to do. So i re-arranged some things in the room and that was it. HOW DO U BE SPONTANIOUS WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN AN ANXIOUS COWARD AND PARANOID FOR YEARS?

i am so angry and bitter. Why don't i believe in myself? Why can't i talk to the opposite sex?

why do i bend over backwards to keep everyone happy?

I am getting walked over by everyone... but the person who walks over me the most is myself.

I know the cure to my problems but i am unable to apply them.

Am i manifesting my own destiny or is there an escape? Save me.

dottie · Intermediate User Joined: Sep 06, 2007 Posts: 277

you are just like me. exactly.

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“Winners do the things that losers won't do.” -Unknown

Kien · Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 12:47 am Post subject:

Blushing sounds very bad. Sad

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I wish we could see into the future of peoples lives when they are born. Then we could kill all babies who's going to be bad people. Robbers, bullying kids, murderers etc. Just put a gun at the baby's head.

Sacrament · Advanced User Joined: Aug 15, 2006 Posts: 422

My blushing isn't that bad. While it is true that I go red easily (as in, just by being in the sun for a bit or having an attractive girl talk to me or laughing etc), I can go shopping, answer the phone or do other things that don't require a lot of interaction just fine. Sometimes I think that it's not really SA, but really bad self-esteem and so forth.

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Alas! Our dried voices, when we whisper together, are quiet and meaningless as wind in dry grass or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar.