Trying to come out of my cocoon

Social_Caterpillar · Newbie User Joined: Jun 17, 2008 Posts: 2 Location: Canada

Hi. I found this site by Googling, "I don't fit in anywhere" which brought up a thread in one of the forums here. It didn't take long before I decided to sign up. I'm a 34 year old male, married, and am from Canada. I have one daughter and another child on the way.

I am not really good in social seetings (as my username suggests). Rather, I am a person who likes people, but finds himself behind the safety of his own wall. My personality type is INFJ (based on a number of online personality tests). Although a few tests have also indicated my personality type as ISFJ. Reading the descriptions of both, I feel I fit more in the INFJ type.

Dispite what these personality tests have revealed, I have also been told by some that I am extroverted. But it's usually in smaller settings where I know everyone and am quite comfortable with them. And usually in times of high energy (staff Christmas parties, for example). But as a whole, I would say I'm not extroverted.

I feel terribly conflicted most of the time, and I hope to find my place here. I am a born again Christian, but also carry around a sense of humor that many other Christians frown upon. As a married man, I find myself leaning more to "feminine" interests. These are the things which leave me feeling out of place, no matter where I go. It seems as though I have a number of qualities in which I can fit partially into a few different groups, but each group is in conflict with the other. In turn, I feel alone.

I don't really know what I hope to get out of this site. I suppose I would like more friends, and even online friends sounds good right now. In fact online friends sounds best right now, because that way, I get to stay in my private little space while still meeting new people. I've tried meeting people on different forums and websites recently, only to have quite negative experiences. As a result, I started deleting all my online accounts to hopefully start fresh. This is the first website I've signed up for since the deletion of all my other accounts.

I tend to type more than I need to to get a point across. So, to keep this from getting longer than it already is, I'll end my introduction here. There is much more complexity about me, but that comes with knowing someone over time. I hope to connect with others here! Thanks for taking the time to read this!

Coper · Newbie User Joined: May 30, 2008 Posts: 45

Hi Social_Caterpillar. Welcome to SPW. Just out of curiosity, what was so negative about your experiences with other websites and forums? I've thought about trying to use the internet to have more of a social life, but I must say, it can be a hostile-seeming place. The anonymity gives one a layer of protection, but the social dynamics of interactions on the net seem to be different than in the real world. It's a noisier, more abrasive environment, and it's easier to get lost in a crowd. Sometimes I find it scarier than the real world.

Social_Caterpillar · Newbie User Joined: Jun 17, 2008 Posts: 2 Location: Canada

Hi Coper! Thanks for your welcome and reply!

The negative experiences I was referring to occured at two places specifically in the last week. The first was a Christian website, where I was banned for my sense of humor. It actually all started over a year ago and finally ended up in me getting banned back then. I recently signed up again, and got banned again. It made me feel as though I do not get along with other Christians as well as I thought. I was mostly misinterpreted, but that misinterpretation was what got me feeling out of place.

The second place was a free dating site (probably not the best choice to look for friends, looking in hind sight). I was there, ligitimately looking for friends, when I was accused by quite a few single people, both male and female, that I was most likely looking for an affair. In my defense, the website offered accounts for married people looking for friends. I was only on that site for about two weeks when I finally had enough. Again, it left me feeling as though I have no chance of finding friends...even platonic ones (since I do have more feminine interests) because I'm married.

I'm starting to lose hope, and wonder if I'm better off alone and not getting hurt, than taking a chance on finding a truely fulfilling friendship.

Coper · Newbie User Joined: May 30, 2008 Posts: 45

It sounds like the people on those sites were being pretty judgmental. I guess people are like that in real life too. I haven't found people judging me harshly to be too big of a problem, but then, I deliberately avoid social situations so as to avoid being judged. I also work hard to please people, but lately I've been struggling a bit in school, despite my best efforts, and I feel so ashamed when I talk to my professors about it. Embarassed

I don't think it's the right thing to give up because of these setbacks, though. Rather, we need to toughen ourselves so that we can withstand them, and not care so much what other people think. I might not succeed in grad school, but if so, I want it to be because I lose my passion for it, not because I'm too embarrassed to show my face around campus.