just rambling a bit.

gdg21 · Newbie User Joined: Sep 10, 2008 Posts: 2

Hello im new to the forum and decided to share my experience because quite frankly i can't seem to share this with anyone else. So to begin with, i am a very introverted individual... i have been for such a long time.

I'd have to say when i hit puberty i became a lot more introverted than most people that age were. I would find excuses not to hang out with my friends or not leave the house and this and that, but it wasn't as bad as it is now. It was a lot easier for me to hide it back then because my parents would push me to go out or my friends would just find a way to make me feel guilty, so i'd go out but i'd say it would be 3 times a month? Then i'd completely dissappear with my excuses on how im "so busy" when in fact i just wanted to be left alone... For me, it has developed a long the years and has gotten worse which lead me to write this.

My parents don't believe anything is wrong with me, and they get me to second guess myself. But when i step back and look at my life, i realize i am not ok no matter the effort i put into distracting myself from always having these fears. I recentley got my liscence and i turn 19 this year. I graduated high school and i am terrified of starting college in january. I have fears of being out in the open but i've always had that... i've also never had a serious relationship and a lot of other things. i just hide it very well and find myself just staying quiet about things because it's a hell of a lot better than being looked at differentley. I hardly ever answer my fone let alone make calls. Even driving the car is a hassle and i find myself just wanting to be home...

it's the saddest thing ever because no one other than my parents know of my behavioral patterns and they still very much so fail to recognize it. I can't tell my mother anything because she just says i am lazy and i need a job... but i've only had one job in the last four years and i quit because that one was just too stressful for me and i had to deal with a lot of rude people but initially i pushed myself to get that job... and to this day everyone makes fun of me for only being employed for a month. maybe i am lazy, but i feel worthless alot of the time. I don't know if this is agoraphobia [i havent left my house in months], but i do know that i pushed myself to go to the gym the other day all by myself to prove that i wasnt afraid... all i ended up doing was feeling ashamed that i didn't step out of that door. Just going places alone terrify me. It sounds really stupid i know, and my family would say i am being dilusional and im just going through a phase in my life... but this phase is so played out that i can't even hide it anymore, thats what lead me to just saying i have had enough of pretending...

so whats your story on realizing you had agoraphobia? I'd like to hear them =]. Im glad there is a community like this where people can express how they feel because i can't in real life.

katieluckern · Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 2:46 pm Post subject:

I'm 15. I got it about 4 months ago. I had never had a fear in my life before it. I was a really tough girl, in a punk band. Then one day I went to school and had a panic attack. I was so afraid to get another, that I caused myself anxiety and fears of going out because I don't like causing a scene in public and I didn't want anyone to see me have a panic attack. So I stayed at home, ALOT. I don't have panic attacks anymore, but I rarely go out. Almost never. I try to force myself to go on car rides with my sister or parents when they are running errands. If I feel close to alright, I might step out of the car for a little while. But if I feel like shit, I just lay there (usually faint) and cry.
My mom doesn't believe anything I say. My dad does, but not my mom. I've never really got along with my mom. We're VERY different and she is so ignorant. On top of being a young teenage girl dealing with something that no one in my town is dealing with; I just found out this morning that my mom is cheating on my dad.
I've been called lazy too. I dont think I am. I think I'm just depressed, distressed, lonely, and afraid. It makes me tired.

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Katie Luckern