Many Thoughts For Many Many Years

buckley1972 · Newbie User Joined: Sep 15, 2008 Posts: 1

Hello Everyone,
I am new here but I probably should of joined years ago. I have had OCD ever since I was about 8 years old. My OCD first started with checking and touching things in odd numbers. At around the age of 10 or so I started having Blasphemous Thoughts of a religious nature. I would imagine the most horrific images in my mind about either Christ or the Virgin Mother Mary. To relieve my symtoms I would stare at a cross or any holy picture in my home and force myself to think of them in their "Godly" duties. I guess this was a first step in compulsing, but I didn't know this, I only assumed I was possessed by the devil and I was alone. Throughout my teen years I experienced the same type of thing but in waves. Sometimes I was fine, and then sometimes I was completely enveloped by this affliction. I recall sitting in Science class and staring at a cross above the blackboard and imagining a fully erect penis coming out of Christ. As you can imagine, being a Roman Catholic and serving as an Alter Boy this disturbed me tremendously. Throughout my teenage years I sought help from the school guidance councelor who was ironically a nun, to several different shrinks. I am now 36 years of age and I am on Paxil .... 30 mlg. I was properly diagnosed with OCD about 4 years ago. I can't even begin to tell you all how many times I've wanted to place a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger or hang myself. I still have intrusive thoughts and now they seem to span from everything to murder, rape, and child molestation. I WOULD NEVER EVER do these things, but it destroys me inside to have even thought of this shit. It's gotten to the point where when I'm playing with my band, I'm a drummer and have been playing for 22 years, that I'm afraid I'll forget how to play and completely suck at something I've always loved doing. The drum phobia is relatively new and it completely sucks ass. I love playing music but I'm so worried that everytime I sit behind the kit I'm going to forget and be so caught up with my thoughts that I'll just suck and be a terrible player. If anyone can give me some insight it would be greatly appreciated. Please share your experiences ..... AM I hopeless???

Helyna · Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 7:30 pm Post subject:

No one is hopeless. You just have to figure out the way to handle your problem...

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Silverman · Newbie User Joined: Aug 10, 2008 Posts: 14

for what i have read, that is a typical OCD behavior, a mild one i guess, not too strong, not too weak. go to your shrink and let it out, face off your demons and take pills if necessary (prescripted ones)