murderous thoughts/ how it all started

thoughts2 · Newbie User Joined: Aug 31, 2008 Posts: 11

if you u have not read my other topic this will not make any since to u so read other first plz it has the same title allmost as this one.

age 7
when i was little i was beaten alot by my dads brother he would make me feel weak and unwanted by anyone and unloved by anyone. when ever he would beat me i would try and fight back but no matter how hard i tryed or how hard i tryed to stand up for myself he would shoot me down.

age 9
i saw my first person to ever die right in front of me it was from a car crash the impact was so strong it crushed her body and poped her head open. i was so close that blood was splatered on me. i watched everyone one around me panic and cry and were so scared for what had just happend. but i was the closest to the crash and saw everything but i did not cry i was not scared. all i could think about was y everyone els was.

age 12
im in school and i was allways picked on the most was the outcast of everyone. i started to hate everyone i wanted to make them fear me somehow and couldent find a way to make them scared of me. then for sme odd reson the image of that girls twisted crushed body poped in my head from the crah i saw a few years ago. and how everyone aound it was so scared how they fear for what had happend. then it hit me people where afraid of death.

age13
all i could think about was how death made people fear u just about everynight i had a dream about death and how i hated everyone for picking on me making me feel weak and how i was beaten and could do nothing to stop it. after a whie i stoped thinking about it and moved on with my life.

age 19
i just got out of highschool and everyone was talking about what collage people are going to i had alot of friends now and was accepted by people and i was happy. no one picked on me or made me feel weak. and then one knight one of the girls i was friends with called me and we tlaked for a while she asked me yi never talk about my child hood and i said that there was nothing to it and nothing u need to warry about. after i got off the phone with her i whent to sleep and for some reson i had a dream about killing people and eating them and that i was the strongest and dreamed about my past and how my dads brother beat me.

age 19 a few months later
well you now know the rest from here thx to my last post

plz comment on what you think is there a connection in all this? am i getting anycloser to solving my problem

FreedomFighter · Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 12:26 pm Post subject:

Its all bad ocd at the end of the day friend , i can totally relate , the strongest tool you can use against it is DIVERSION , ocd trys to use your darkest thoughts and images against you to get a reaction , dont give your ocd thoughts any credibility , when they come , try to do something physical , something that focuses your attention away from them , turn it into a game , see how many thoughts you can divert , after a while of doing this , you will be able to control your ocd much better , take care , Robbie

FreedomFighter · Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 12:28 pm Post subject:

PS . dont think for one second your some kind of monster for getting these thoughts , there very common .

Misterhopefull · Newbie User Joined: Sep 22, 2008 Posts: 18 Location: Home

[whoops double post]

Misterhopefull · Newbie User Joined: Sep 22, 2008 Posts: 18 Location: Home

Listen to some Marshall Mathers and go to bed. And do like him, use your hobby to let the anger out.

and follow the above poster's advice closely.

bushica · Newbie User Joined: Sep 24, 2008 Posts: 5

i agree with the first poster, sounds exactly like ocd...you're not a monster at all..just a lot like us, you're not a criminal in the making buddy, you just need to treat your ocd, you came here and let it all out, you talked about your childhood and everything thats a VERY good first step, when you start venting and addressing your problems half of them end right there.
you keep talking to us, we're right here.
i may not be able to give the best of advice but can listen to you vent and i have read enough about ocd and suffered for long enough from it to confirm that this is ocd, you're no criminal so don't think that please.

radar · Newbie User Joined: Sep 30, 2008 Posts: 1

Hey thoughts, i know what your going through, afraid you will hurt yourself or others, i had the same thoughts and still do, but it is just OCD, i was diagnosed 3 1/2 years ago and I have a very very severe case; sometimes I used to be afraid of myself, think i was nothing or unworthy, afraid I was weak things will get better I suggest you try CBT-Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, don't give up hope your not a bad person, you are the farthest thing from a bad person, its people like you who change this world and make it a better place because when you overcome this you will be the strongest and most courageous out of anyone and others will notice, hang in there it is Hell, trust me I know