Despising existence...

the_sorrowful · Posted: Mon Apr 12, 2004 7:59 am Post subject: Despising existence...

Have you ever felt so much negativity that you actually feel yourself suffocating? That's what i feel pretty much every day whenever i'm around the rest of the human race. For as long as i can remember they've despised me. There were and still are, however, the the few sensible people whose minds are advanced enough to see past the ignorance of the "populite" (popular person...i use this word a lot by the way:]). Regardless, they end up being taken from me by some cruel twist of fate. Basically, i've never been able to keep a friend for more than a year and have been surrounded by people pretty much ready to kill me all my life. I've just moved (once again) which means that all my friendships were severed before they even really started. I would normally have no problem with this since i rather like being alone, but i notice that the "populites" never have to deal with any of this. Their lives seem rather perfect while mine is dragged through the mud. I'm more than sure that i'm not the worst case out there and that there's someone out there saying "This guy doesn't know what real saddness and pain is". Well i'm pretty sure that i don't, considering, but i do indeed feel bad enough for self affliction to be an option that constantly arises. Hm, a friend...a consistently happy life...is that really too much to ask for. I really am starting to get tired of having to play the role of outcast all the time. Hopefully i don't take it upon myself to end it sooner than anyone would like.

Jess333 · Posted: Tue Apr 13, 2004 4:36 am Post subject:

I understand how you feel. You're not alone. Sometimes, when I let myself and my thoughts go...to a negative state/place, I all of the sudden feel like I'm the only one suffering from SA. I feel everyone I am around has negative intentions for me, I feel very low and wanting to end my existence, because who wants to suffer? My body feels tight and stressed, my muscles hurt, I dodge eye contact, if I see someone trying to be friendly with me I walk away and pretend I didn't see their attempt. And knowing that I just did that leaves me with this awful energy, nervous energy and it goes deeper and deeper until I make the choice to grab myself by my pants and put myself back on track mentally. I realize at that point that I let my thoughts go negative. And I'm caught up in my own self doubt and ego and I suffer and shake and am a prisoner by my own choice.

And then when I put myself back on track mentally, I feel great and I thank God that I feel better.

As of late in my life, I'm 28 and have been suffering from this condition since I was... well... young, a child who was afraid of people trying to be social or nice to me. I was abused physically and mentally and a lot of painful things have happened in my life and I'm sure this has something to do with the SA. Reguardless, now, I am healing myself and life is getting better. I also found God and that sounds SO weird from ME...and not in any religion either. And I swear I understand life and why I'm here on this planet, and that peace that I feel in this knowledge is so healing. I have always felt a certain way about life and why we're here and the universe and God, but no religion could ever do it for me and I've finally found someone who explains my theories, completely. And now? I feel like I've foudn the answer and I'm in tune with it and great things are happening now. It's powerful.

If interested, if religions seem to hokey for you and you have trouble believing, check out what Deepak Chopra has to say about us and why we're here and what we should do with ourselves and our lives and how we should behave and BE.

the_sorrowful · Posted: Wed Apr 14, 2004 3:40 am Post subject:

Thanks for the reply Jess333. It helped, really Smile

shep · Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2004 4:24 am Post subject:

Sorry to hear that you moved again. I guess this has happened often and it has taken its toll. Starting over in a new place with sa holding you down must be rough. Yeah, your situation is probably not the worst but that does not matter here. This is a good place to find someone to listen and offer help in any way they know how. As for your new location and school, I'm sure there is someone who would love to be your friend. My one thought at the moment is to suggest that you spend some free time hanging around the library. You may meet a classmate there, one that you would like to meet. Also, if you have a dog, walk him around the neighborhood. Dogs make friends fast and that could lead to talking with people and eventually making a friend or two. Besides, you sound like you could be a very good friend to someone. Wink

Fighter86 · Intermediate User Joined: May 28, 2005 Posts: 216

I know exactly how you feel the_sorrowfll. I have felt this way all my life (I am 19). All I wish for is a happy normal Childhood & teenagehood. But I get crap all the time, all the time man Crying or Very sad

...Many a times, I wish I have never been born...

LittleMissScareAll · Expert User Joined: Jun 15, 2005 Posts: 713 Location: Hell

I know exactly how you feel..basically everything you said, I can really relate to.