New here, here's my story

Red_Devil · Posted: Thu Jul 08, 2004 4:26 am Post subject: New here, here's my story

Greetings from a new guy,

Until yesterday, I had never heard of Social Phobia. I was in Brisbane on business & picked up a magazine while waiting in a clients reception area. In this magazine was an article on Social Phobia & as I was reading it, I thought, “this has been written about me”! I also cast my mind back to the previous evening when, I sat in my hotel room really wanting to go to the gym, but not managing to pluck up the courage, in case people looked & laughed at me! (I usually go to the gym at home, but rarely on my own & of course, I know my own gym, so I am more comfortable)

When I got home last night, I got straight on the net & started to research this new phenomenon I had discovered & the more I read, the more I thought I had seen so much of this before in myself.

FYI, I am a 46 year old male & fairly successful in my business life & am well liked personally, but in certain social situations, I struggle. I travel a lot on business both locally & internationally & in doing so, I get the opportunity to meet lots of interesting people. But yet I can sit on a plane for 12 hours & not make conversation with the person sitting next to me. Every time, I say I’m going to do it, but I don’t & then I beat myself up afterwards for not doing it. I hate parties & social situations where I don’t know many people. I always think, who am I going to talk to. I have a function to go to this weekend with 80 people & I will know 3 of them. I have been dreading it since I found out about it. I will make myself go, but I am not looking forward to it. I have to confess that a drink or two helps, but I know that’s not the answer.

I read a post on this forum before talking about “why are you so quiet tonight” I HATE THAT – if I had a dollar for every time I had heard that, I’d be a rich man!

I could go on, but I guess you have heard it all before. If I felt I could start a conversation comfortably, I’d feel a lot better. If I could walk into a crowded room alone without the feeling of being watched & judged, I’d feel a lot better.

I must be very good at hiding the way I feel, because if I ever say to anyone that I am shy, no one believes me. I might come across as a confident person, but no one knows how I feel inside in those situations I’ve mentioned.

I always blamed my upbringing for my “shyness”. I was always told that “little children should be seen & not heard” & was always made to believe that my comments & opinions were not important enough to be heard in “adult conversation”. Try as I might to leave these limiting beliefs behind me, I find it very hard.

Hope I haven’t bored you & if you did get to the end of this, I would appreciate any comments.

_________________
Ability is what you are capable of doing;
Motivation determines what you do;
Attitude determines how well you do it.

Collin · Posted: Fri Jul 09, 2004 3:35 am Post subject:

Yeah I feel the same way when I'm at a party. It sounds like you have it together somewhat though. It sounds like you can function reasonably well, it's just hard dealing with the uneasiness. I know what you mean.

Guest · Posted: Fri Jul 09, 2004 10:07 pm Post subject:

Check out www.socialanxietysupport.com
you'll be amazed

Regal70 · Posted: Sat Jul 10, 2004 4:55 pm Post subject:

You remind me alot of myself. I am almost 34 years old and have just begun to realize in the last few months that I have SP. I have had it for so long that I wasn't even able to recognize that it was fear that was holding me back in social situations. Kind of strange, but when you have lived with something for so long it becomes a natural part of you. I too at this point can function pretty well in work situations, it is in the personal relationship area that SP makes me really struggle (although I feel I may have missed some work opportunities in the past due to SP). I do hope to continue to make progress in overcoming this. I consider it progress because at one time I could not even pick up a phone to call a lady without getting deathly nervous (to the point where they notice the distress). Now, they still think I'm "too quiet" , which is still causes problems, but it is progress compared to where I have come from. I am trying to stay positive. If I do something I could not do yesterday or do it with less anxiety it is progress.

I've also found that people can misinterpret my shyness, like you. You said everyone thinks you are confident, but I have often been mis-read by people as being aloof, cold, or snobbish, etc.

greta · Posted: Sat Jul 10, 2004 9:32 pm Post subject:

Hi all,
I just joined this forum

I can't believe there are so many people like myself. (Where were you all when I was a kid lol.) I'm in my 40,s now, and struggled most of my life with what I now understand to be Social Phobia.

I always saw myself as "WRONG" I never seemed to act like the other kids, I remember watching other girls talk so freely, and loud and expressively, and I wished I could act and be "cool" like them.

I didn't come from an abusive family, a large family yes, but loving. I never liked being in groups, I hate parities where I don't know many people. (and my husband is a social butterfly, always dragged me to strange parties all our dating and married life) I never could give a reason for not wanting to go. So I always ended up going and counting the hours until I could say i was tried and we could leave.

I could do almost anything alone or with a sister, or a best friend, but basically I enjoy doing things alone.

I always hated when a teacher would make me read or speak in front of the class and he/she always said, "I can't hear you" or "You have to talk louder." One teacher made me read the same passage 4 times, I to this day have no clue what I read, I just said the words. I swear, I never pursued my dreams so to speak, in fear of not knowing what people would expect of me.

I won't write everyones ear off, I was just so surprised to find this site. and saw myself in what so many of you had said.

And RED_Devil, the same here, most people don't believe I'm shy either. ? But I am.... Embarassed

Red_Devil · Posted: Sun Jul 11, 2004 4:45 am Post subject:

Thanks all for your responses!

Greta, we have a lot in common, I'm also married to a social butterfly! That, as I am sure you are familiar with, agrovates the situation. Everyone expects you both to be the same, so it just highlights your own quietness.

We went to the party I was not looking forward to last night. Promised myself I would make the effort (& I did), but as the night wore on things got worse. Everyone was getting more & more drunk & louder & louder, but I was driving, so was one of the few sober ones there in the end, so I couldn't even 'hide in the bottle' Mad

.

That's all for now. I'll be back - I'm gonna beat this thing!!

_________________
Ability is what you are capable of doing;
Motivation determines what you do;
Attitude determines how well you do it.

greta · Posted: Sun Jul 11, 2004 8:08 pm Post subject:

scardecat · Guest

Im seeing some of the more "mature" "aged" or what ever ya want to call it here in this thread. Im one of them myself Smile

It was the weardest thing when i read about sa (it's just been about 10 mo ago) because i just thought i was painfully shy growing up. I too did well in my job for 20 years and have just found myself unable to function in certain environments. I dont understand why i've been able to hang in there for so long and now i just absolutly cant. I just feel i have the right to retire from the struggle. Im doing better not being in the job situation, and feel like so long as i do things that make me happy ie..play with my dogs, shop on my own time, and stuff, im fine. So long as i can pull myself out of an uncomfortable situation, i dont go into full on panic attack. I know that with youngens, you have to learn to do things differently, and work harder at overcoming these problems, but do you find that as an older adult,just knowing our problem, and working "with" it helps? Im not running away from problems, just adjusting myself when needed. I only wish that when I was a child, someone would have known or understood so it wouldnt have grown in me. And, yep, lots of people, actually strangers mostly, dont think im shy. Im real chatty with strangers,,,and then off on my merry way. It's being around people i've met before that i just hate to be around... sorry so long, guess i needed to let it out.

neddy · Posted: Mon Jul 12, 2004 9:15 am Post subject:

I also wish I had found out about this a long time ago. I never knew I had a social phobia. Most of my life I have been shy, withdrawn and introverted and avoiding situations where there are alot of people especially ones I don't know very well.

Some people who don't know me very well have often asked me why I am so quiet, why don't I talk more and often say that I am very ignorant. How can they say that when they don't know that every day is a struggle for me.

Good to see you went to the party. At least you are able to do that. I can't at the moment but I really want to beat this thing. I have just recently bought myself a home gym as I can no longer bring myself to go to a gym as I feel too uncomfortable so I know how you feel there.

Guest · Posted: Mon Jul 12, 2004 12:41 pm Post subject:

No matter what "Other" people think about you, you still have rights on this earth. We all have a right to be a part of this world, we have to live too. (That's what I tell myself... )

I'm a fighter now. lol. And in the last 4 years I had to fight for a lot of my rights, I didn't know how strong I was. I am extremely sensitive, because of SP which I realize now, and unfortunately I allowed it to control me, which blinded me to a lot of truths. Because I've been told that I'm "Very defensive" by more than a few people, I started to listen to other people just a little better than I was.

Thats how I realized that I just might have a problem. I learned from other people that I come off as arrogant, I'm not. The best thing is that since I began "Fighting" for what I feel is "MY Rights" I've learned so much about myself.

I also try to listen better to others, before I make conclusions in my head. I realize that I take what people are saying in the wrong way sometimes now I'll ask "DO you mean this..." . I've learned that many times other people mean something completely opposite of what I thought they meant. lol.

Maybe because I'm older and had more years to live with this than some of you younger people, it's easer for me to talk. I don't know it all and, I don't mean to sound as if I take it lightly, because I don't, I still suffer the illness everyday.

I have much sympathy for you who feel helpless, your not! If you can't afford a therapist, talk to your MD during your regular physical and ask about medication. ( a regular MD can prescribe a drug that might help & Clinics are cheaper per DR visit.)

I hope I helped some.