New Here, my story, etc.

Chuck · Guest

Hi, I found this by searching on Yahoo... I used to post on a different board, but was kicked off because the mod just chose not to like me... couldn't understand how I can be really emotional... on a social anxiety support board. Whatever.

I am a 21-year-old guy from New Jersey in the US. I graduated high school and having been working house cleaning jobs with my mom since. It's usually hard for me to tell that to people, mainly in real life. It is not attractive, to be a 21-year-old male who does not work full time or go to school in a country with such a rabid work ethic and that has a massive working class that is overworked, stressed out, alcoholic, bitter, depressed and much more. So, I usually exagerate how much I work, saying I work two jobs (which I kind of do, but let's put it this way - I don't make much money, not nearly enough to live on my own, pay bills, etc... I am dependent on my mom, and now my dad, who now lives with us again even though my parents are divorced. no they aren't back together). My case is pretty unique, I think... let me explain.

I am probably just as shy and nervous as any of you - but I still do things. I still have "friends", aquaintances, people I hang out with. I can talk comfortably with people, sometimes. I can even make long-term eye contact. Sometimes I think I have gotten "better", but I think it goes much deeper than that. Let's see, for 3-4 years now I have had friends, all of which mainly came from my one friend Scott, who I met in high school. I am not too personal with him, but at the same time, we talk about some pretty deep things that not every pair of buddies does. People have come and gone, friends and whoever. Nowadays I find myself at some kind of turning point, but maybe it's just shifting into a long, boring and sad 10, 20, 30+ years depending on others, not knowing what I am doing. I feel like people are growing tired of me, primarily Scott. Who wants to hang out with a guy that is 21 and doesn't even have a form of ID yet (I can't go to the DMV to get one, let alone find the documents I need to even obtain one) when things are going arlight for them? He's got a girlfriend now, new bandmates, and even a possible career. Me, on the other hand, my whole outlook is to either stay where I am now, or find someone to tag along, depend on, or something. But I don't even know if I have the courage to even leave home and live with someone else, let alone let my parents/family and even my friends know that I have other people in my life... and I do! I have a very caring, loving, understanding woman who would love for me to move in with her and try to sort things out, or at least do something different. But I am too afraid to even take the train up to New York to go and see her... and what do I say? I'm going to see my friend who you never met and never will? ...who, not to mention, is 39...

Sometimes I feel like I am going somewhere, things are going fine, then I find myself sneaking into my mom's room to pour some Vodka into my glass, and I wonder. All I have is to take care of my plants, my pets, go for walks, smoke a cigarette, score some weed, and play my guitars... that's all I know, and that's all I have.

Thanks for hearing my thoughts. Nice to have somewhere to discuss again... hopefully I won't get kicked off.

scardecat · Guest

right now i just want to say..(as the older person on here) just dont let yourself go down with drugs or drinking..That makes me sad. I am extremely phobic,,socially, so i know how things can hurt, but drugs are yucky, and they will hurt you worse in the long run. I have no answers either, but i'll sure be thinking about stuff. hope someone else will have more to say.......

chuck · Guest

I am on and off with weed. I try to avoid alcohol. if it's the right situation, weed does a lot of good. if it's just me high playing my guitar, it's better than nothing. It's quite enjoyable. But sometimes, with my friends and what not, it's just sort of pointless - getting high just go get high.