Why we resist solutions to Social Anxiety?

frizboy · Newbie User Joined: Jan 03, 2007 Posts: 76

Well since I know acceptance therapies are successful with some individuals, I won't discount it. What I will recommend, simply, is that we not make blanket statements about what will work for people. Since saying, "This worked for me," or "Well, that didn't work for me," isn't making a recommendation so much as it's stating a personal fact, let's agree on this point: acceptance and fighting are two valid strategies, but they will vary in their validity from person to person. Acceptance would never in a million years work for me just because I think the premises amount to a false conclusion. But that's more based on my personal circumstances than anything. You have to LEARN about your options, and look for a FEELING that something will work or not.

phoenix1 · Intermediate User Joined: Oct 27, 2006 Posts: 128

Thanks for the interesting responses.

So true about there being a lack of decent services available to SA. For such a widespread problem, you would think that there would be more options available.

I think it may ultimately be a little unhelpful to be saying that everyone with SA suffers different and have different problems to work through and because of that, the solution should be individualized. I mean it is important to realize differences, but also extremely important to look at commonality and similarities that are prevalent in the majority of cases. By doing so, you can see the core of what is SA and what is your own mental deviations and know how better to deal with it. Probably the biggest reason why there isn’t some kind of big movement to create some big service to people with SA is because they don’t know exactly how to help the majority of people, so they keep it individualized. Sure there will always be exceptions to how the majority of people with SA work, but I think its extremely important to try to find similarities among the masses.

charlieHungerford · Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 7:18 pm Post subject:

Phoenix - I think I would be fine at a party to be myself, as long as I knew someone there to not feel like an extra, but also after a couple of drinks I would be myself. I feel hugely more confident and less anxious in informal situations, I feel its light hearted and easier.

My real fears only really come about in formal situations, things such as public speaking and if I have to train someone up at work and have to be really confident speaking as well as chatting to women who I fancy but don't know all that well. But I am working on these in huge detail, I spend 2 hours every night working on SA and I have done for a while now, you may have seen my posts which are always positive and constructive. I would be surprised if you see a post I have written which is either negative or not aimed at overcoming SA. I have made huge progress from when I started, I couldn't use the phone whatsoever (now I can make phone calls when people are all around me at work when its quiet), I couldn't look at people in the eye (now that is not a problem unless its a girl I have liked for a while and then I get nervous around her), I couldn't go to hairdressers or shops in the past - hence why I went 3 years without a haircut once (now I do this all the time, get haircut every 4 weeks, I love to shop), I couldn't speak to people one on one - I simply got too nervous that I wouldn't get my words out - this is something I can do very well with the exception of some people like authority or women who I may fancy for instance (the people make me anxious hence I feel anxious when speaking)- then I may get very anxious - but I am sure a lot of people suffer this - but its something I am going to be working on in great detail. I was so self conscious over how I looked, I have overcome that now, I used to always hide my face and avoid people seeing me, I have overcome that, I accept myself and feel it doesn't matter. I still have a long way to go, but I am getting very close because I can feel I am really becoming more and more confident speaking and starting to gain a higher value on myself, less self conscious, etc. I am going to work on desensitising people and situations I'm anxious around/in.

I won't class myself as overcoming SA until I can do public speaking and that absolutely frightens the life out of me still, but I have a lot to work on with regard that, its not something I have worked on specifically yet as I rarely have to do it. I think for instance the word public speaking sends fear to me because of past terrible experiences and failures, and the anxiety just linked to that situation is what scares the life out of me and therefore speaking is so impossible. But I will aim to desensitise that and not fear public speaking. I believe I can do it.

I am sure I don't suffer SA like many people do. I don't say this to sound like I am boasting or anything, but there are 35 people in our office and I recently was speaking to my boss about maybe leaving because of a change in my job and he said to me that I would be a great loss because I am probably the most popular person in the office. I have huge confidence in myself for a lot of things, I love my personality (with the exception I wish I was totally confident), I like so much about myself in terms of intelligence and looks, but I do have insecurities still which I now understand and am working at overcoming them and its working. From my rock bottom where I was struggling so badly to my ultimate goal of overcoming SA, I believe I am over 50% of the way there. It has taken time to make this much progress, I am 100% committed to working on this as much as I can until I have overcome it. I know this is probably sad but I often taken a week off work just to work on overcoming this. I do not resist methods of overcoming SA whatsoever, if something seems right I am just so excited and cannot wait to work on it.
As for fighting the anxiety - I understand why I get anxious, when I am anxious I will not get angry or fight it, I use it as an opportunity to understand in even more detail so that I can aim to correct it. I will write down what caused me to be anxious immediately and then analyse it as soon as I get chance and keep working on it. I will analyse in my mind at the time why I am anxious and try and ease my fears. I am simply always searching for answers. I mean for sure I dislike being anxious and feel scared when I am, but I will not dwell on it or feel angry or guilt whatsoever, I look at it as a great opportunity to learn how I can beat it.

Well, that is my situation, I don't know if that is different from you or others, but I will never resist solutions to overcome SA. This will sound really stupid but I am so passionate about overcoming SA that it has probably turned into my favourite interest. I just love working on it and love the rewards I get from this - the rewards being confident and able to perform in situations I have struggled so incredibly badly with in the past. I want to overcome SA and aim to become qualified to be a therapist to help people with confidence issues. I am not sure if that will happen because financially it will be hard to go back to university. But I am going to overcome SA and when I do I am going to buy the biggest bottle of quality champagne to celebrate. I hope it will be sometime this year.

random · Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 7:19 pm Post subject:

Scottish_Player

phoenix1 · Intermediate User Joined: Oct 27, 2006 Posts: 128

Thanks Scottish_Player Smile

CharlieHungerford,

That was really interesting and insightful. I think you are well on your way to becoming who you want to be. The fact that you don’t give in to guilt or anger and just try to analyze instead is amazing in itself and I’m sure if you stick to that you will be able to overcome what you need to overcome.

Random,

I never said acceptance by itself is the key to overcoming anxiety. Acceptance of something you believe is bad, is not helpful at all. In fact, it wont do a thing at all to fix SA if you still believe that what you accept is terrible – such as giving up to the world because you cant fight it anymore. It may stabilize things temporarily (just the raw anxiety part of it) as your mind tries to readjust, but at no point would it fix it – atleast that’s my experience and my belief.

However, if you could accept that who you are is not something terrible and not feel the pain and guilt and anger everytime you go out, then that’s something that would help. Its something that is a commonality for the majority of all SA suffers.

There are plenty of similarities and commonalities between SA people, including root causes and how our minds work to try to overcome anxiety and how it originated. Perhaps not in this thread, but in the thousands of others. There’s always exceptions and the exceptions are the ones that usually make themselves known. I really think there can be a common treatment, but tailored for the individual.

Atleast we should be open to the idea of such. Can you imagine the possibilities for a common treatment, how effective it would be on a large scale for the good of everyone? Even if it wasn’t perfect for everyone? Individualized treatment is something that is so difficult for a person with SA – not to mention solely effective based on the ability of who or what is guiding you - Even for the simple fact that we have to interact with professionals and figure out what it is that we need most. Most of us are too afraid to do that to any large degree.

There are so many striking similarities for the average SA person that you just can’t ignore. Common unrealistic perceptions, common reactions, common ways of how our minds deal with social anxiety, common thought patterns. It may have started different and from a different context, but its developed into very similar patterns. I just think we need to be a little more open minded that a common solution is possible to some degree. I, for one, believe its possible.

random · Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 10:39 pm Post subject:

I am open minded - but my open mind can't quite agree with you. I accept that others have different first hand information and experience and therefore base their opinions on different information than I do - and so I can respectfully disagree.
I can indeed imagine the possibilities for a common treatment "on a large scale for the good of everyone" but my hearts desire cannot create in me the belief in me that one exists. I agree a universal cure is a wonderful thought though, I am open to the idea, and I continue to listen and learn from others and from my own experiences and reading - maybe one day I will encounter objective data that changes my opinion.
Perhaps my insurance company - which pays for 90% of my therapy -will notify me of a treatment program that works well for a significant number of people with SA (thus saving the company $$$$); I would have no qualms about participating if that happened. I am not able to comment much on the 'common treatment, but tailored for the individual' 'even if it wasn't perfect for everyone' because I think the definition has flexed past the compromise point and the implied desire for perfection is not familiar to me in this context.

JamesMorgan · Newbie User Joined: Feb 02, 2007 Posts: 84

If you understand that everyone is in their own world and what they see is true for them, you can also understand why it is so difficult to accept that things are different to how they appear. Their ideas and thoughts of themselves, their world and others are true for them but not necessarily for others.

Pride and attachment to what others think are two biggies for most people who suffer from SA/SP because it is largely based on perceived qualities of oneself and others. They see me differently why dont they share my view? They think bad of me, why are they so wrong? Whats wrong with me, why dont they see me for who i am? Our pride makes us unhelpable because we feel that others dont see us the way we see ourself and that bothers us. We care what people think of us, this is so apparent, yet we always think we are right.

The truth is of course our view cannot be correct at present because we still experience anxiety. So everyone is our teacher revealing to us in a subtle way what our truth really is, how we view our world. And that truth is that we haven't really got a clue, if we did, we wouldn't suffer as much. So we should choose to be open minded and loosen our grip on 'our own' reality.

James

ignisfatuus · Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 3:55 am Post subject:

random · Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 4:46 am Post subject:

JamesMorgan,

This description of self perception and reality are new to me...I've never heard the experience of SA described this way. I am interested to learn how others experience SA. Do you have SA or are you describing your recover from SA?