VALUES WORKSHEET (Adapted from Kelly Wilson’s Valued Living Questionnaire)
Deep down inside, what is important to you? What do you want your life to stand for? What sort of qualities do you want to cultivate as a person? How do you want to be in your relationships with others? Values are our heart's deepest desires for the way we want to interact with and relate to the world, other people, and ourselves. They are leading principles that can guide us and motivate us as we move through life.
Values are not the same as goals. Values are directions we keep moving in, whereas goals are what we want to achieve along the way. A value is like heading North; a goal is like the river or mountain or valley we aim to cross whilst traveling in that direction. Goals can be achieved or ‘crossed off’, whereas values are an ongoing process. For example, if you want to be a loving, caring, supportive partner, that is a value – an ongoing process. If you stop being loving, caring and supportive, then you are no longer a loving, caring, supportive partner; you are no longer living by that value. In contrast, if you want to get married, that’s a goal - it can be ‘crossed off’ or achieved. Once you’re married, you’re married – even if you start treating your partner very badly. If you want a better job, that’s a goal. Once you’ve got it - goal achieved. But if you want to fully apply yourself at work, that’s a value – an ongoing process.
The following are areas of life that are valued by some people. Not everyone has the same values, and this is not a test to see whether you have the "correct" values. Think about each area in terms of general life directions, rather than in terms of specific goals. There may be certain areas that you don’t value much; you may skip them if you wish. There may be areas that overlap – e.g. if you value hiking in the mountains, that may come under both physical health and recreation. It is also important that you write down what you would value if there were nothing in your way. What’s important? What do you care about? And what you would like to work towards?
1. Family relations. What sort of brother/sister, son/daughter, uncle/auntie do you want to be? What personal qualities would you like to bring to those relationships? What sort of relationships would you like to build? How would you interact with others if you were the ideal you in these relationships?
2. Marriage/couples/intimate relations. What sort of partner would you like to be in an intimate relationship? What personal qualities would you like to develop? What sort of relationship would you like to build? How would you interact with your partner if you were the ‘ideal you’ in this relationship?
3. Parenting. What sort of parent would you like to be? What sort of qualities would you like to have? What sort of relationships would you like to build with your children? How would you behave if you were the ‘ideal you’.
4. Friendships/social life. What sort of qualities would you like to bring to your friendships? If you could be the best friend possible, how would you behave towards your friends? What sort of friendships would you like to build?
5. Career/employment. What do you value in your work? What would make it more meaningful? What kind of worker would you like to be? If you were living up to your own ideal standards, what personal qualities would you like to bring to your work? What sort of work relations would you like to build?
6. Education/personal growth and development. What do you value about learning, education, training, or personal growth? What new skills would you like to learn? What knowledge would you like to gain? What further education appeals to you? What sort of student would you like to be? What personal qualities would you like to apply?
7. Recreation/fun/leisure. What sorts of hobbies, sports, or leisure activities do you enjoy? How do you relax and unwind? How do you have fun? What sorts of activities would you like to do?
8. Spirituality. Whatever spirituality means to you is fine. It may be as simple as communing with nature, or as formal as participation in an organised religious group. What is important t to you in this area of life?
9. Citizenship/ environment/ community life. How would you like to contribute to your community or environment, e.g. through volunteering, or recycling, or supporting a group/ charity/ political party? What sort of environments would you like to create at home, and at work? What environments would you like to spend more time in?
10. Health/physical well-being. What are your values related to maintaining your physical well-being? How do you want to look after your health, with regard to sleep, diet, exercise, smoking, alcohol, etc? Why is this important?
I agree for the most part. This is kind of like tibetan buddhism, where the act of mindfulness is like seeing your negative thoughts without judging them which is supposed to actually make you aware of your soul.
We can all close our eyes and "listen to" or "see" our thoughts, which is a surprise in itself. If we can "watch" our own mind without judgement, then who or what is doing the "watching?" It's not really our mind anymore, according to tibetan buddhists, but something else. A soul maybe?
But I disagree with his portrayal of positive thinking as futile.
While tibetan buddhists have stressed the acceptance of negativity in the world ("life is suffering" is a popular mantra), they have also stressed meditation on impermanence of life, that we and everything around us is constantly changing, that things aren't always bad or always good, they just are. I think this is a much more helpful way to approach "mindfulness" or "meditation" or "calm-abiding" or whatever you want to call it.
Tibetan buddhism also emphasizes positive thinking, not because the religion is designed to grasp at happiness or happy feelings, but because while negative thinking does not help the mind (in meditation, or in most other areas of life), it is counterproductive and should be replaced with positive thinking. And when I say positive thinking, I don't mean "Everything is good, everybody's happy, la la la"... but more like... "constructive thinking," if you know what I mean.
There is actually a really good book about Buddhist Psychology, I think it's called "Falling To Pieces," and it is about a psychologist who is also a buddhist and sets up meditation retreats for a lot of his patients. It's very interesting, especially when compared to treatments for mood disorders like cognitive therapy, thought records and medications. These treatments are all designed to "fix" or "build up" our egos (i.e. gain more confidence, feel good about yourself, etc.) whereas buddhist psychology (and buddhism itself) is about letting go of your ego completely.
In a way, it's like western psychology's position is that a lot of mood disorders result from a "weak" ego, whereas buddhism's position is that the ego itself is our real problem.
Joined: Dec 07, 2006 Posts: 420 Location: 44/m/miami
Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 9:38 am Post subject:
dpr wrote:
But I disagree with his portrayal of positive thinking as futile.
Positive thinking is fine. But most of us here don't have a problem with our "positive" thinking. Usually it's our "negative" emotions that become our problem.
_________________ Accept your reactions and be present
Choose a valued direction
Take action
Joined: Jun 02, 2008 Posts: 283 Location: Australia
Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 10:01 am Post subject:
sabbath92002 wrote:
dpr wrote:
But I disagree with his portrayal of positive thinking as futile.
Positive thinking is fine. But most of us here don't have a problem with our "positive" thinking. Usually it's our "negative" emotions that become our problem.
Yeah exactly
I tried the positive thinking and also being the watcher of my own thoughts
Positive thinking became a distant second
"We can all close our eyes and "listen to" or "see" our thoughts, which is a surprise in itself. If we can "watch" our own mind without judgement, then who or what is doing the "watching?"
Its ment to be our being.....Our trueself
We are not the thinker!
But I disagree with his portrayal of positive thinking as futile.
Positive thinking is fine. But most of us here don't have a problem with our "positive" thinking. Usually it's our "negative" emotions that become our problem.
Personally, I think it's the same problem. I think the lack of one creates the other. When you cease to think negatively, you begin to think positively. This is from my opinion anyway, and kind of from a buddhist standpoint. In tibetan buddhism, a lot of what they refer to as "positive thinking" is just another way of saying "not thinking negatively" or "not allowing negative thoughts to take precedence in the mind."
For instance, thinking to oneself "I can't concentrate very well," would be considered a negative thought to a buddhist, not because it necessarily will lead to low self-esteem or whatever, but because the thought does not help him/her in any way attain his or her goals. So instead, he/she would "think positively" by eliminating the thought and replacing it with a more constructive one, as in "My concentration needs work, so I will work on it."
This differs a lot I think from the pop culture psychobabblish "positive thinking" like Tony Robbins, where you feel motivated for 3 days and then go back to your old way of thinking, or the popular notion of giving yourself affirmations every five seconds, "I am a nice person," "People like me," "Life is fun," etc.
This questionnaire has been adapted from similar ones developed by Steven Hayes, Frank Bond, and others. For each pair of statements, please circle the one that most accurately fits how you feel. The answer you choose doesn’t have to be absolutely 100 percent true for you all the time; just pick the answer which seems to be more representative of your general attitude.
1a. I must have good control of my feelings in order to be successful in life.
1b. It is unnecessary for me to control my feelings in order to be successful in life.
2a. Anxiety is bad.
2b. Anxiety is neither good nor bad. It is merely an uncomfortable feeling.
3a. Negative thoughts and feelings will harm you if you don’t control or get rid
of them.
3b. Negative thoughts and feelings won’t harm you even if they feel unpleasant.
4a. I’m afraid of some of my strong feelings.
4b. I’m not afraid of any feelings, no matter how strong.
5a. In order for me to do something important, I have to get rid of all my doubts.
5b. I can do something important, even when doubts are present.
6a. When negative thoughts and feelings arise, it’s important to reduce or get rid of them as quickly as possible.
6b. Trying to reduce or get rid of negative thoughts and feelings frequently causes problems. If I simply allow them to be, then they will change as a natural part of living.
7a. The best method of managing negative thoughts and feelings is to analyze them; then utilize that knowledge to get rid of them.
7b. The best method of managing negative thoughts and feelings is to acknowledge their presence and let them be, without having to analyze or judge them.
8a. I will become “happy” and “healthy” by improving my ability to avoid, reduce, or get rid of negative thoughts and feelings.
8b. I will become “happy” and “healthy” by allowing negative thoughts and feelings to come and go of their own accord and learning to live effectively when they are present.
9a. If I can’t suppress or get rid of a negative emotional reaction, it’s a sign of personal failure or weakness.
9b. The need to control or get rid of a negative emotional reaction is a problem in itself.
10a. Having negative thoughts and feelings is an indication that I’m psychologically unhealthy or I’ve got problems.
10b. Having negative thoughts and feelings means I’m a normal human being.
11a. People who are in control of their lives can generally control how they feel.
11b. People who are in control of their lives do not need to control their feelings.
12a. It is not okay to feel anxious and I try hard to avoid it.
12b. I don’t like anxiety, but it’s okay to feel it.
13a. Negative thoughts and feelings are a sign that there is something wrong with my life.
13b. Negative thoughts and feelings are an inevitable part of life for everyone.
14a. I have to feel good before I can do something that’s important and challenging.
14b. I can do something that’s important and challenging even if I’m feeling anxious or depressed.
15a. I try to suppress thoughts and feelings that I don’t like by just not thinking about them.
15b. I don’t try to suppress thoughts and feelings that I don’t like. I just let them come and go of their own accord.
To score your test, count the number of times you selected option “a” or “b.”
You may like to repeat this test and see how your ideas have changed, after you have finished reading The Happiness Trap, or completed several sessions of ACT.
_________________ Accept your reactions and be present
Choose a valued direction
Take action
Apparently Dr. Harris used to be a stand-up comedian and a sex therapist and now he is moonlighting as a psychotherapist. From his website:
"Mindfulness is a mental state of openness, awareness and focus. There is a huge amount of scientific research showing that this is beneficial for stress, better leadership and enhancing performance. Most top athletes will develop mindfulness skills, often unconsciously. Until recently in the West, mindfulness was something you had to learn by following exotic ancient Eastern practices. It’s been known in Eastern philosophy for thousands of years, but you either had to take up something like meditation, thai chi or yoga, or you had to follow a religious path like Buddhism or Taoism. But recently in western science we’ve begun exploring this and now you can learn mindfulness skills very quickly – really in the space of a few minutes – without having to do these exotic ancient practices. This has had huge benefits in all walks of life."
my god... yeah cuz everyone knows those Buddhist monks are idiots! Why meditate to transcend your mind and unlock the powers of mindfulness... I'm Russ Harris and I can teach you in five minutes!
please.
smells like the old "psychobabble for cash" routine if you ask me
Joined: Dec 07, 2006 Posts: 420 Location: 44/m/miami
Posted: Thu Aug 28, 2008 2:41 am Post subject:
www.thehappinesstrap.com wrote:
Informal Mindfulness Exercises
We’re all busy, and many of us don’t have time (or are unwilling to make time) to formally practice mindfulness skills. However, we can practice informally throughout the day. Here are a couple of examples:
1) Mindfulness in Your Morning Routine
Pick an activity that constitutes part of your daily morning routine, such as brushing your teeth, shaving, or having a shower. When you do it, totally focus on what you are doing: the body movements, the taste, the touch, the smell, the sight, the sound etc.
For example, when you’re in the shower, notice the sounds of the water as it sprays out of the nozzle, and as it hits your body as it gurgles down the hole. Notice the temperature of the water, and the feel of it in your hair, and on your shoulders, and running down our legs. Notice the smell of the soap and shampoo, and the feel of them against your skin. Notice the sight of the water droplets on the walls or shower screen, the water dripping down your body and the steam rising upwards. Notice the movements of your arms as you wash or scrub or shampoo.
When thoughts arise, acknowledge them, let them be, and bring your attention back to the shower.
Again and again, your attention will wander. As soon as you realize this has happened, gently acknowledge it, note what distracted you, and bring your attention back to the shower.
2) Mindfulness of Domestic Chores
Pick a chore that you normally try to rush through, or distract yourself from; or one for which you just ‘grit your teeth’ and try to ‘get through it’. For example: ironing clothes, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, making the kids’ lunches. Aim to do this chore as a mindfulness practice.
E.g., when ironing clothes: notice the color and shape of the clothing, and the pattern made by the creases, and the new pattern as the creases disappear. Notice the hiss of the steam, the creak of the ironing board, the faint sound of the iron moving over the material. Notice the grip of your hand on the iron, and the movement of your arm and your shoulder.
If boredom or frustration arises, simply acknowledge it, and bring your attention back to the task at hand.
When thoughts arise, acknowledge them, let them be, and bring your attention back to what you are doing.
Again and again, your attention will wander. As soon as you realize this has happened, gently acknowledge it, note what distracted you, and bring your attention back to your current activity.
Now write down some informal mindfulness exercises for yourself:
During my morning routine, I will practice mindfulness of ………………………………….….
During my evening routine, I will practice mindfulness of ……………………………………….
During the week, I will practice mindfulness of the following chore (s) ………………………….
Now write down any other quick ’n’ easy informal mindfulness exercises you can think of – e.g. while waiting in queues or at traffic lights you could practice mindfulness of your impatience; or when eating dinner, you could aim to eat the first two mouthfuls mindfully.
At the end of each week, pull this sheet out and see how well you have followed it.
Joined: Dec 07, 2006 Posts: 297 Location: space truckin'
Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 7:46 am Post subject:
www.happinesstrap.com wrote:
What To Do In A Crisis
A crisis can present in many different forms, from the death of a loved one, to loss of a job, to collapse of a marriage, to financial disaster. When you are hit by a crisis, an emotional storm is likely to whip through your mind and body, tossing painful thoughts and feelings in all directions. Here’s what you can do to survive and thrive: S.T.O.P.
Slow your breathing
•Take a few deep breaths, and mindfully observe the breath flowing in and flowing out. This will help to anchor you in the present.
Take note
•Take note of your experience in this moment. Notice what you are thinking. Notice what you are feeling. Notice what you are doing. Notice how your thoughts and feelings are swirling around, and can easily carry you away if you allow them.
Open up
•Open up around your feelings. Breathe into them and make room for them. Open up to your thoughts too: take a step back and give them some room to move, without holding onto them or trying to push them away. See them for what they are and give them space, rather than fusing with them.
Pursue your values
•Once you’ve done the above three steps, you will be in a mental state of mindfulness. The next step is to respond to the crisis by pursuing a valued course of action. Connect with your values: ask yourself, ‘What do I want to be about, in the face of this crisis? What do I want to stand for? How would I like to act, so that I can look back years from now and feel proud of my response?’
Things to Consider
1) Do you need, or would you benefit from help/assistance/support/advice? If so, what friends, neighbors, or relatives can you contact? What professionals could you arrange to see? (If necessary, what helpline numbers could you call?)
2) Have you experienced anything similar before? If so, how did you respond that was useful and helpful in the long term? Is there anything you learned from that experience that you can usefully apply now?
3) Is there anything you can do to improve the situation in any way? Are there any TINY steps you could take immediately that could be helpful? What are the smallest, simplest, easiest, tiny steps you could take:
a) in the next few minutes
b) in the next few hours
c) in the next few days
Note: the first step might simply be to spend a few minutes practicing some mindful breathing – or to take out a pen and paper and write an action plan.
4) If there is nothing you can do to improve the situation, then are you willing to practice acceptance, using expansion and defusion skills, while engaging fully in the present moment? And given that the situation is unchangeable, how can you spend your time and energy constructively, rather than worrying or blaming or dwelling? Again, reconnect with your values: what do you want to be about in response to this situation? What are some tiny values-driven steps you can take?
5) You don’t get to choose the deck of cards you are dealt in life; you only get to choose how you play with them. So a useful question to ask is: ‘Given this is the hand I’ve been dealt, what’s the best way to play with it? What personal strengths can I develop or strengthen as I go through this ordeal? How can I learn and grow from this experience?’ Note: any painful experience is an opportunity to develop your mindfulness skills.
6) Be compassionate to yourself. Ask yourself, ‘If someone I loved was going through this experience, feeling what I am feeling – if I wanted to be kind and caring towards them, how would I treat them? How would I behave towards them? What might I say or do?’ Then try treating yourself the same way.
7) Finally, after a crisis, there is often a period of grief. Grief is a big topic. I’ve written previously, in one of my newsletters, about my own terrible grief when my son was diagnosed with autism. If you’d like to read that article, and learn how you can use ACT to deal with grief, you can download the newsletter from here: http://www.actmindfully.com.au/upimages/ACT_Mindfully_Feb_2008_Newsletter.doc
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