MY STORY

Mickey · Posted: Wed Feb 18, 2004 12:09 pm Post subject:

thanks so much jess for sharing ur story. You are right, it is true. I have extremely low self esteem, i really cant stand myself at all. I always have this paranoid feeling that other people dont like me and that they are talking bad about me, it may or may not be true but i need to stop thinking like that. Im going to therepy for this SA and my therepist is teaching me how to controll my thoughts like you said. Thanks for all the advice! it gives me more convidence that i really can get through this. Very Happy

love mickey

Jimmy · Posted: Fri Feb 20, 2004 3:24 am Post subject:

I do have low self esteem. I ordered "The Feeling Good Handbook" and "Choose the Happiness Habit" from amazon. I will try to overcome my anxiety without medication and therapy. If you are doing it, so can I. Thanks

Jess333 · Posted: Sat Feb 21, 2004 5:11 am Post subject:

GOOD MAN! SERIOUS , you just took some huge steps in your recovery. Nice.

This was my week in terms of SP: Monday was AWESOME, i was laughing with co-workers and I felt happy, i kept happy thoughts in my head all day, it was great.

tuesday: i went into my new job training that day feeling fine and we had to do this outloud script with a partner and all the sudden I felt discouraged because I got confused, and then i felt embarrassed because I got confused, and then i got embarrassed because my partner was trying to help me but I was too freaked out and embarrassed and i couldn't concentrate and thereby getting more nervous and anxious because my thoughts were DIGGING a hole for me! my negative thoughts got out of control and as a result I had an anxiety attack.

wednesday - i was still alittle freaked out because of the day before. I was nervous, wondering if anyone saw me get nervous besides the trainer and my partner. those thoughts made me want to just not show up there again. because I want to retain some of my dignity and face.

but! with low self-esteem and SP you can have an attack at any time (if you CHOOSE TO with your thoughts), and I just spent allll that time searching for a job and i need this one, so no matter what I'm sticking with this one.

I changed my focus..and tried like hell to think positive.

it worked

wednesday turned out fine..i was still a little nervous, but able to chat with people (still feeling nervous inside) but chatting never the less, and answering questions

thursday (yesterday) rocked!...no anxiety attacks...kept my thoughts positive, i answered a whole bunch of questions right. My trainer DID see me get nervous and I could tell that he seemed a little unsure of me after that, but after wednesday and yesterday, with me answering his questions left and right, he was and is really impressed with me.

Today I got so many answers right. Instead of letting my mind wander over to negative thoughts, I focused my thoughts on the positive, and i made sure I PAID attention to what was being said. And I took notes.

I still felt nervous here and there, what happened was I let the focus go...and allowed the self-doubting thoughts roll in and WHEN THAT HAPPENS, it's hard to TURN IT OFF. ITS HARD...and you may have to stay nervous...but if you keep AT IT, and keep focusing those thoughts on only positive things, the anxiety WILL LIFT...and you will find yourself at peace...feeling peaceful inside...and! with no medication. just yourself and your self-control.

it's going to take SOME TIME..for me to over come this. it's going to take PRACTICE. I'm so used to thinking low of myself and concentrating on how much my life sucks and how much I'm a victim that when it comes down to me actually only concentrating on the good qualities i have and appreciating all the things I have in my life, and focusing on only the positive or "bright side" to everything, that it becomes WORK for me to forcefully try to change my thinking patterns!!

Just like Pam says in "Choose the happiness habit" sometimes trying to focus your thoughts on the positive is like wrestling a bear! IT SURE FEELS LIKE THAT SOMETIMES. but it almost feels like after you wrestle that bear, you get relief...

at the end of my class, I READ THAT STUPID script with my partner and i did a great job and my voice didn't studder and I felt comfortable enough to pay attention and catch mistakes.

My point? We can get over this. But it's hard mental work. I don't know... i've read some posts on here and it seems some people can just put themselves in a different environment and they get better., but for me, it will take more than putting myself in a different environment or getting a lover...or whatever

For me, it's going to take JUST WHAT I'm doing.

I have a lover and their support and love helps, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't FIX the problem at all. In fact, I found that when I first got into my relationship, I didn't know how to offer myself or commit myself on an emotional level. It's hard to explain. I was very surface level I think because I wasn't sure how I felt inside, I didn't know how i felt about myself, let alone my lover.

I didn't love myself, so how could I love another?

But her eI am 3 1/2 years later with the same person, who has been PATIENT with me...she realizes that I've been through a lot , but I"M working on bettering myself.

If I just sat there complaining about how much life sucks and that I was a victim and did nothing about it, I'm sure she wouldn't be around.

But I truly thought I was a victim...I thought because of my past there was nothing I could do...i thoguht I had no control over it. And i truly BELIEVED MY THOUGHTS...i truly thought everything sucked and I was doomed. Boy...........was I wrong.

Now that I know and have learned what I know now...how I feel now. . That whole perspective has changed and I feel better because of it!!!!

BUT! i SURELY don't think i'm going to get rid of this SP in ONE NIGHT. ...i'm having quick results, but i HAVE to allow it if it comes and do my best to stomp it out when it comes in order to feel better and get back on track

For instance, i felt SP even around my sister. She just got back from Australia from a trip tonight and I was able to listen calmly and interact with her with ease and I had FUN, I FELT FUN in the conversation and I made her laugh. When before she would see that I was nervous and twitchy and she would lose interest in the conversation and go do something else.

But she was laughing with me and having a normal conversation with me. Talking to me like an EQUAL. It's things like that that lets me know that I'm making progress.

Alright..passing out here.

Take care all. Very Happy

Jimmy, IM me anytime here on this website or msn if you need someone to talk to or support. my messenger is s_j_fernandes@hotmail.com

Good job on getting those two resources. like i said, read Dr. Burns first, then let it sink in , then go to Pam Goldens.

Very Happy

Frozen_In_Time · Posted: Sun Feb 22, 2004 9:42 pm Post subject:

Hi Jess333,

I'm sorry I took ages to reply, I just had to find time to read it all. Thanks for the advice. I will try to get hold of some of the books you recommended. I'm glad you're taking positive steps, you go girl! Wink

Take care.

Frozen_In_Time

neddy · Posted: Wed Mar 03, 2004 3:45 pm Post subject:

I agree with alot of the things in here. It does have alot too do with low self esteem and all the negative thinking, I'm an expert at that. The last couple of days have been really bad for me, there is a lady at work (I very rarely see her maybe 5 mins a day) and I have got a big problem with her. She makes me feel very paranoid, like she says one thing to your face and when she thinks you are out of earshot she says something bad about you, I caught her out one day, haven't liked her since. The last 2 days I have blown my shift at work, just couldn't be bothered going in because she put me down in front of everyone just because I had a problem with the computer in the taxi ,she said I didn't know how to use it like she thinks she is an expert and she has never driven a taxi, how was I too know there is a fuse under the bonnet, HELLO. Went and saw my boss today, she was there and I ignored her and told him I didn't liked been mucked around by her and to change my shifts, I am now working night shifts again Sad

. I had decided that I wasn't going to go back and was going to walk out on my job as I am classed as being self employed and pay my boss (owner of taxi) each day. I decided I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction. Have been stewing on it for the last 2 days like an idiot. Thats her problem not mine. She is very narrow minded and two faced and people like her aren't worth getting upset over. Sorry bad attitude. Being positive is very hard work but worth the effort, saves beating yourself up all the time. I'm all fired up to kick this social phobia in the butt.

Orlando · Posted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 7:47 pm Post subject:

Jessica,

Wow, What a story! Hang in there. I had social phobia since I was a child. However, You have done a lot more than I have. I'm really good at studying and playing videogames but when it comes to living life I got a few issues with taking chances. Sometimes, I have long stretches where I would do nothing but watch tv and eat. Not good for weight, not very fun.
I wish you well on your journey. We are all on the same path. I hope there is some happiness at the end of it.

_________________
-Orl