the "whatever" journal

CK23 · Intermediate User Joined: Jul 21, 2008 Posts: 118

I can't see why people dont understand what i'm going through... If i had told them what a gr8 day i'd had with my friend they'd say hurtful things to send me into panic mode again... I'm frozen, going round and round in circles....nothing ever changes... clearly days like the one i spent on Monday August 25th... those days come once in a blue moon.... What can i do anyways... when i approach someone studying with me they give me the cold shoulder... they only come to me when they want my help in studying... when i approach my cousins and really show my empathy and care...they take me for granted and never give back the love i give them... I cant bear to open up to them again... i cant risk getting hurt even more... She hasnt shown up for work today, my workplace friend i was talking about... i cant call her for that would smash me into pieces... it would just be the colossal fear of loss... I wouldnt even get to the point where i risk losing her... i'll probably be knocked out even before she says hello... goodness knows what kind of hello that would be ' a harsh one' or a gentle one... i wouldnt even know... i'm waiting till tomorrow, praying that when i do meet her i get to say something and not freak out like i usually do... She's one of the few good things that have happened to me in my past life...

wingcharm · Intermediate User Joined: Jan 05, 2008 Posts: 192

Just a thought:

Before, I find disagreements in this room amusing because it gave the forum some kind of a twist. It's like, I was so used reading depressing threads and then suddenly there comes a fight! Twisted Evil

But now, the fight is becoming more frequent that the "support forum" is gradually lacking sense.
So why am I writing this? because I want to voice my opinion but I'm not the type of person who wanna butt in to those kind of threads and tell them to stop.
From what I've observed, these are the real cause of their fight:

1. Some are oversensitive and pessismistic.
They interpret a thread in a very negative way even if the real purpose of the thread is to help us. I've read those kind of "help threads" and I can see that they really meant well so I find it SURPRISING when someone replies negatively.
C'mon, this is a support forum, so why don't we try to accept those people who want to help us? Why treat them rudely? or are you reacting that way because you don't really believe that you can be helped? or you're just jealous because that person was able to overcome SA? Can't we even give some credit to those people who bothered to write encouraging words for us?

2. Some are too aggressive, narrow-minded and judgemental
They are the ones who meant to help but they're choice of words are SO INNAPROPRIATE, SARCASTIC AND RUDE that even I, sometimes, doubt if that person's real intention is to help and not to mock. Let's just keep in our mind that a bad choice of word may hurt a person's feeling especially that this not just any forum but an SA forum.

3. Some are just REALLY RUDE
I don't know if they just love getting themselves into trouble, or they just want the attention, or they hate the world, or they don't know how to control their anger, or they make this forum as a scapegoat?!

Disagreement is not bad. But if we want to voice our ideas and opinions, why don't we try to reply in a more civilized manner. Let's focus on the topic and not personally attack the one we are debating with. Wink

krs2snow · Advanced User Joined: Jan 25, 2008 Posts: 322

xxxEditxxx

Argamemnon · Expert User Joined: Jan 15, 2008 Posts: 740

CK23 · Intermediate User Joined: Jul 21, 2008 Posts: 118

So i screwed things up again... I thought i'd learnt from the past, and i thought i was actually getting better... but there it was again... The SA crap totally kicking my ass... I only have 1 work place friend, which may be an exaggeration... I was having trouble with the project i'm doing and needed some help... i like her and respect her a lot... i dont know it's just this Elder sister - Little brother thing... i've always had this desire to have a big sister to look up to... I was so afraid of calling her, cos i am delusional... i just had the most magnificent day with her a few days back and then i just blew things up... first i hesitate 12 times before i write down any msgs on Msn asking her for help... and then when she arrives i lose it completely... my voice gets corky, and my facial expression goes haywire... i thought she was annoyed with me... maybe she'll dump me for good this time... i just dont deserve any friends.... i'm just meant to be alone... Just have this plea to God that i cant do it alone... I do trust Him but in this world i cant live alone without a friend so please dont take this away from me... i cant go on like i used to... i cant take the pain...I'm sorry if i annoyed anyone writing this post, it's not easy reading someone else's posts who is the way i am...

CK23 · Intermediate User Joined: Jul 21, 2008 Posts: 118

And for the record my mind's beating the crap out of me after i read the msg i just wrote... I am simply pathetic!

wingcharm · Intermediate User Joined: Jan 05, 2008 Posts: 192

CK23 · Intermediate User Joined: Jul 21, 2008 Posts: 118

Wingcharm i am most grateful to you... Right now i'm thinking i want to add you on my Msn but still feeling you might not want to talk to me... Cos right now i'm walking in your shoes and thinking 'maybe this guy's a fraud, sadistic kind of guy looking for attention'... and thats why i dont communicate... when someone likes me i go head over heels and they get scared of me... i cant help doing that cos of the loneliness, even though i dont open up too much and i'm very careful of what i say so that i dont drive the other person away i'm still thinking the person is annoyed with me... i'm not outspoken, i dont kid around... Why the hell am i so respectful?.... I hope to know your name and i want to add you on Msn... and i want to be your friend... if you dont feel like talking to me after a while then i'll understand and thanks again... i really appreciate your response...

CK23 · Intermediate User Joined: Jul 21, 2008 Posts: 118

I feel horrible cos of the fact that i have been in this SA problem for years and i couldnt afford to marry anyone in my situation...And my parents they wanted me to marry a relative whom they liked... i had no option but to give in and even though i feel like beating myself up for saying this, i feel really upset that she has little confidence and she cant string two words together... I think to myself i'll take care of her, i'll use every fibre of my body to make things okay... then there's this part of me that says 'Will it ever be okay'? How am i gonna go to visit her relatives and make conversation... She basically doesnt like me cos of the fact that i am alone... she wants me to start driving something i'm terrified about... in our country the traffic is haywire and people are really mean... i fear that i might lose control and self destruct after being insulted... I feel upset when i have to talk to her on the phone... we've had a prolonged engagement cos as things stand i'm a cub in the work place and i cant even earn enough to support myself... The work place friendship i have makes me feel guilty cos i like talking to that friend cos she's got all the stuff i dont and i get attracted by that and i get to look up to her cos of that...I feel that i cant handle this anymore... i hate the fact that the girl i got engaged to doesnt talk and is afraid of escalators and cats... I just settled in cos my mom was taking meds cos of her depression... my dad doesnt know how to drive either and he doesnt know how to stand up to things and lives in a world of his own... I dont know if people want to mock me, insult me or do anything mean to me i'll take it... but i wont back off from loving and caring for someone who saw me when i was invisible... Only my work place friend fits that description.... in the end i just wish i could break down and escape all this madness... I hate the way things are going.... I wish i could have another day like the one i enjoyed.... i really wish!

wingcharm · Intermediate User Joined: Jan 05, 2008 Posts: 192

To CK23:

Wow! Thanks, i really appreciate it!
Too bad I don't have an MSN account Sad

and I didn't create one because it will just be useless coz' I'm not always online. I mainly surf just to check this site.
But we can still talk here or you can PM me if you like Smile

Honestly CK23, I was kind'a scared when you said that you accept my friendship. But don't get me wrong Embarassed

It's not because of you, but because now I'm worried that I will not pass to your expectation and it might cause you dissapointment. Embarassed

Oh, well! I may not be able to cure your loneliness, but I do wish that all these messages that I'm writing and I'll be writing can atleast give "even just a little" comfort to you.